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Family wounds cut deep

It’s amazing how quickly tears well in my eyes when others share stories of what a great relationship they have with their moms or dads or both. Or even their family.

I didn’t want to bring someone down so I’m posting here instead. The wound from a broken family unit will always be there - but it’s not my place to talk about my stuff when others are sharing theirs.

I grieve this type of thing especially as I parent my own children. My oldest was talking about different places he might want to live. He’s only just barely 14 so he’s got a while but I had to hold back tears. And I reassured him that if the time comes for him to move away I will support him. I can’t make him feel like he has to stay near because of me.


#Parenting #families #CPTSD #Brokenfamily

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Schizophrenia VS Narcissism

For years I have battled with my Mother who has suffered long term effects trialling medication for bipolar schizophrenia that in large has proven negative effects specifically the incapability of thinking for oneself, incognizance of self, deluded reality, and the causal factors associated with mental illness itself. Here I struggle as an adult in my 30’s slowly concluding my own personal ideas and beliefs of psychological and emotional abuse. What has been tremendous effort trying to maintain some level of understanding and building a relationship with my mother I am yet disappointed by her crusade in creating divide between me and my half siblings, two older brothers and one sister to her first husband. In the past something as simple as a phone call to her, the conversation soon turns into her complaining then directs the focus to me “oh, your brother called me the other day, he was gossiping about you, so I told him to shut up, oh, I hope I did not upset you, did I? I am sorry darling you know you are my favourite; I want you to know that when I die you get everything in my house and assets, ok, the others will get nothing. I’m sorry darling but they don’t like you they told me”. Later when confronted of what she said she denies ever saying any of it. It dawned on me some years ago the persistent cruel intentions were heavy on the agenda, instinctively I have known some of the fact to be true as I am treated differently categorized as the ‘black sheep’ of the family and in this case have now completely rid of any means of contact. This of course results reaction and further manipulation demanding my attention via social media blackmail, emotional blackmail, endless voicemails and the list goes on. I do not particularly voice my thoughts aloud as in the past I have immediately been shut down so i write- a lot. My support system relies solely on therapists and close friends. Moving forward unscathed is utterly impossible.
#narcissism #Blacksheep #scapegoat #Brokenfamily

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Holidays hit different this year

I’m a product of a broken family unit.

In all my years of just surviving - the emotional neglect, the instability, etc ... I coped by disassociating.

I’m 34 this year. The pain from having virtually no relationships with anyone in my family has started to emerge and I feel like I’m grieving that loss for the first time. It feels silly when I think about my age and that I’m adult with a husband and children. But the sadness is so real.

None of it is my fault. Although I have intentionally not spoken to my mother in over a year after some horrible things. I cannot trust her and she is no longer a safe person for me. Really she never was. But that particular situation solidified it.

I’m so thankful for my little family and my wonderful in-laws. But that thankfulness stings as a reminder and even brings me to tears writing this.

There’s a hole where there should have been a ‘good enough’ family/childhood.

It helps motivate me to be all of the things my inner child needed and more to my own children.

Acknowledge your feelings.
Feel them.
Process them and give them the space that’s due.

I’m really trying to do all of that and live in the present - it’s quite the challenge.

#holidaydepression #Brokenfamily #innerchild #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #CPTSD


Just Now

Just now, I cried so hard. I was praying to God and speaking to my abusers. I asked God for healing, grace, and mercy. I told my abusers, my mother, my older brother, and the girl from foster cares, that I forgave them, for me not them. I told them how the destroyed me. I told them how they betrayed me. I told them how the ruined my childhood. I told them that from time to time, I have a strong hate feeling towards them. I told them that I am taking my power back. I told them I will no longer fear them. I told them I will no longer being the one caring the shame from my abuse. I told them that I wish them nothing but th best. I told them I hope and pray they find healing and peace within themselves. I told them I know they only reason they abused me was because they were abused themselves and they were hurting. I told them however, that did not give them the right to hurt me. I told them, they took my childhood, but they will not take my adulthood. They don’t win. They no longer get to take up space in my heart. I am tired of suffering. I am tired of being unhappy and ashame of me and my unfortunate past/childhood. I am not my abusers. I am not my mother. I am not my shame. I am not my abuse. I am taking my power and life back. With the grace and mercy of God I will heal. I will love myself. I will forgive myself and others. I will find true and real love. I will be opening to it. I will continue to fight for myself and my mental health. I will make a difference and an impact on children’s lives through teaching. I will change the world big or small. I matter. I am important, I am loved. I deserve peace, healing, and good things. #PTSDSupportAndRecovery #PTSD #Anxiety #AbuseSurvivors #Brokenfamily #Love ❤️🙏🏽



I know that distancing myself from certain family members is the best decision for me as of right now. But, I do struggle with thoughts if it’s the right thing to do. I don’t feel loved or respected by my family. they just tease me and it just feel like the take me as a joke. they just don’t care enough about me. I don’t have anything against them at least anymore, but they bring me more pain than happiness. I really am just trying to be the best version of myself. I can’t be the best version of myself around them. They have narratives about me that just isn’t true. They don’t know the real me. They don’t know who I truly am. because they have choosen not to get to know me. They have came up with their opinions of me and the way I live me life, like they are true. The sad part about all of this is, I have allowed their narratives of me to become my identity. I question everything about me, because of them. I don’t think they have anything nice or kind to say about me. So I have start to believe I am a shitty person and there is something wrong with me because of their narratives. as much as I know they are not true. I have made them into my identity. it just really sucks and I’m tired of trying to prove myself to them. I’m tired of trying to fit in their little boxes. I am tired of living life for them. I am tired of trying to become someone the like and accept. I am just tired of trying to gain their love, respect, and attention. I am tired of being someone I am not just to fit their narratives of me. I am sick and tired. If they can’t love and respect me for who I am then I don’t want it. if it doesn’t come freely and naturally and wholeheartedly I don’t want it. I’m tired of begging people to love me and respect me. it is a choice and they are using not to. so I am using letting go and moving forward with my life with out with out them. I am not longer mad and hurt, I am now done. I pray for them and will always love them. but I will not longer try to fit in their boxes just so they will love and respect me. I’m done. I’m tired. I’m tired. #PTSD #Brokenfamily #Anxiety #Depression #Healing


Sad. Exhausted.

I only had 4 hours sleep. I’m headed to a job, I no longer want to be at. I’m sitting on the bus and a lady keeps brushing against my arm. I do not like being touched, in anyway. So it’s triggering me. I did my 5min meditation this morning. Before I went to bed last night I made a post, I deleted it too many typos. I want to make something of myself and my life. I want to give myself a better life/adulthood than my childhood. I try I hard to create happiness. I try so hard to find my happiness. As long as I can remember, I’ve all ways felt empty. I feel like there’s a hole in my heart. Abdoment, neglect, abuse, and trauma especially as a child, is no joke healing from. But, I’m trying best. I’m not afraid to fail, I’m afraid to succeed. Somehow, my success so far as turn into being thinking I’m better than my family. they call me stuck, they call me bugie. That is not the case I am just trying to give my self a better life. I am trying to heal from my childhood. I want peace. I want happiness. I want to be ok. I want to learn how to mange my anxiety, PTSD, and depression more. I don’t want to be what people were to us growing up. mean. cruel. abusive. Why is it so hard for them to see that?. I honestly believe it’s because of our mother. They have choose to have a relationship with her even thought she is a narcissistic alcoholic. I have choosen to keep my distance. She’s not kind to me. She’s such a trigger to my well being. she put me through hell. She did drugs when she was pregnant with me and left me for the streets. We never had a chance to bond or have a secure attachment. To this day she feels like a stranger to me. I believe they are upset I have choosen to not be around her. I understand why they would be upset, however I wish they would respect my wishes. it’s not like, they don’t who she is. I’m just tired of keeping my standards low because they have opinions about everything I do. everything I say. they always have something to say to me. so I keep my self stuck or mediocre because I’m afraid to piss them off. I don’t want to mad. but I’m done keeping myself small so they can feel better about themselves. I’m done. I’m miserable. I’m unhappy, because of all this crap. I’m done trying to fit in their box they want me in. I’m tired of taking on their narratives as my identity. their narratives about me aren’t true. they hold no truth. I am not trying to be better than anyone or anything on this Earth. I just want to do as much as I can while I’m on this Earth to make the world a better place that’s it. I am going to pass my content test. I am going to become a license teacher. I am going to be happy. I am going to heal. with or with out them. No hard feelings I’m just choosing to love myself. I’m choosing to put myself first. just like you all have done. #PTSD #Anxiety #Brokenfamily


Hard Day

:( I've been having a really shitty day if i'm being honest. My family situation is so messed up and my father pays no attention to me and i just feel so lost. I haven't seen my mom since my birthday in july and I really really miss her but not gonna lie she's kind of a crazy bitch.

god I just wish I could have a whole and functioning family... I feel so LOST and I feel absolutely unheard and school is pushing down on me 24/7 and I really just want to drop out even though yes i know i know that's a stupid idea on my part. But I can hardly handle it anymore. I'm too afraid to even check my grades at this point and I feel like I have no future :(

My adhd is making it a real fucking challenge to get any work done and i can feel the disappointment from my teachers... I have three advanced placement classes and I'm thinking of dropping all but one because I seriously can't take this anymore but if I don't take them then i have no clue how i'm gonna get a scholarship and without a scholarship I'll never get to do any of the jobs i'm interested in.

My dad is so low on money that he can't ever afford to buy us groceries so i just starve and he's always off drunk with his girlfriend who literally has 4 kids to take care of (just like my dad). I wish he would pay attention to me or my needs... i wish it was all over... but I could never do that because my family would be so upset and it would just cause more fucking problems. I wish i could disappear into thin air i feel like such a burden. I am not a productive member of society i am just an absolute waste of space. god damn.
#ADHD #Familyproblems #Brokenfamily #Anxiety



Nobody in my family is on speaking terms with my mom. She showed up at my house asking for money and violated me (not sexually) and shoved my grandmother, and had to be escorted out of my house by my stepdad.
My stepdad was admitted to the nearest psych facility on Monday, and my mom refuses to talk to him because he “abandoned” her. I had to tell her to get over herself, that his hospitalization is about helping him, not about pitying her. She hasn’t called me since, and I haven’t called her, but she’s been ignoring my stepdad’s calls or hanging up on him as soon as she knows it’s him. I made her listen to him long enough to get his code, because she and I are the only family he has, and he needs someone on his side.
My grandparents keep telling me to not let it affect me, but it’s my birth mother and the only man in her life that I like. He’s my stepdad, he’s in the hospital, and my mom is trying to make me her personal therapist.
I’m tired of parenting my mom even though she was absent for my entire childhood. #Brokenfamily #Drained

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I feel so empty but so heavy at the same time???? I want to go from the den to my bedroom but I can’t. I don’t have the energy. I can’t even call my girlfriend. I just want to sleep until things get better #BipolarDisorder #Brokenfamily