Cheer Me On

The form of gratitude... How do you do it... In what way... Well, I myself don’t quite know the answer to this question...
If you ask me, I will just say I am confused...

Now, coming to my perspectives, gratitude is never limited to a “thank you” or gifts.... Or silently expressing gratitude with a smile....

For me, my gratitude has been very much expressive, just like me.... I have never been the silent one... I was always the loud and vocal one... And, I am still so....

But, here's a point... This is not any ordinary gratitude... Nope, this gratitude is for those whom I can never thank enough... Not with gifts and all...

And, that's what that makes the difference here.. The people I am talking about here are those who accepted me, who loved me, who cared for me just the way I was... They just didn’t get scared of my broken, vulnerable face.. Something so despised that it became hard for people even to look at... I scared them... My ugly, broken face scared them...

And, I have heard it a million times probably... I wasn’t visually appealing enough to look at or talk to... I wasn’t useful enough for any benefits... I wasn’t enough to make anyone proud... I had nothing to give... That made me uglier.....

And, I am not lying... I felt so too.. I looked scary.. I didn’t use to sleep the entire night.... I would think about suicide... I also gave up on myself like everyone else did... I also convinced myself that I wasn’t worthy enough for anyone to love me... I hated myself...

And, then these angels came into my life... I refer to them as angels because I myself couldn’t really comprehend why they would even choose someone like me... This question kept lingering in my mind...

Even I also felt that if I were them, I would have never gotten closer to someone like me...

That’s why at first, I just couldn’t trust... Because my trust was already broken in such a horrifying way I would rather speak about.... For me, they would eventually leave like everyone else did.... Because I had already lost everything.... And,I had nothing to lose at that point....

But, they just didn’t... They didn’t let go of my hand.. They loved me... They wanted me to be happy... They loved me for me... They claimed that they loved me because it was me... They loved me because for them, I felt so dear to love... That I had such an affectionate face that it was almost impossible not to love it even when I had nothing to offer....

In my world, where I always believed love is give and take... But, they changed the entire concept... If you love, you do.... And, nothing matters.... Nothing.... They just raised the bar so high....

And, did I trust them... Well,back then,it took me time... But, if you ask me now, I would say loudly with clarity that I always believed in them... Yeah, they made me so secure to believe and being able to flaunt it so proudly....

They just did all the magics here ... Exactly that's why, the definition of love has become such a significant thing to talk about....

And, the gratitude, I eventually found myself crying... Not out of pain but out of the greatest form of gratitude I could ever offer....

The purest one.... Whenever I met them, I just couldn’t stop crying... I cried like I always did before.... But, this time with the heartiest form of my gratitude...... And, that's the thing.... #Depression #MentalHealth #Anxiety #CheckInWithMe #MightyTogether #CheerMeOn #Gratitude

Yesterday, my school friend sent an old video of mine... It’s from that time when I was myself... As I said, I lost myself and that's what always pained me... In that video, I was laughing and doing everything that defined me... It always did... If I had opened it even 3 months ago, I would have gone into the pain that I lost myself... And, the regret would probably be so heartbreaking....

But, when I am watching this video now, I can literally point out that I am now doing everything that defined me and it always would.... It’s almost like I am getting my life back.... Back to everything that always felt like me... Yeah...

And, I am finding myself replaying it again and again... Not just out of pain or feeling guilty for myself, but it’s a divine peace....
Peace that is reassuring my heart, and I am feeling at home.........

What should I name it.... Probably, the hidden beauty of depression 🥀.... #Depression #MentalHealth #Anxiety #CheckInWithMe #MightyTogether #CheerMeOn

A tale of self-acceptance in my journey here 😅:

It's just too hard... I mean, the world is cruel. Everyone is just so practical that expressing your genuine emotions is something so hated... Why would you do that... Why would you say so... Be practical and all.... If you show your emotions, you are weak... It’s almost like living a robotic life... You wake up and do your stuff and all.... It’s like you are just fulfilling your duties.... Or I would say, you are obligated to do so... And, the reasons... For your parents, for a secure future... That’s the purpose...

But, when the question shifts from why you are doing this.... You just simply don’t have a proper answer... Are you doing it for yourself.......

This is the vital question... Not gonna lie, before my depression journey began, I was exactly like that... Yeah, that's my own story...
I wasn’t living for myself... I was just pretending to be picture-perfect... Oh, I can't disappoint my parents, teachers, and everyone else....

The ideal robotic version.... I was pretending... I wasn’t like that... From my very childhood, I have been someone who was behind every mess... The menace... Yeah... Loud and vocal, who would laugh hysterically.... The loud one... Someone who always hated perfection... For me, perfection is just too much... If everyone becomes the same, what's the point... Someone has to be the odd one... That was my ideology of life.... A person with her own liberty.......

And then, everything went wrong.... I stopped being myself... I became what everyone wanted.... The pressure was so scary that even missing a one-mark question would make me cry for hours... Feeling guilty and calling my mother.... Well, I would share a story to explain how scary it was...
The toxic parenting.... Now, I can point it out: I was severely sick, so I missed three exams... Even in that condition, I sat for my physics exam and I scored 96 out of 100....
And, when I told my father, he said you need to get more.........

I was pleasing everyone except myself... I lost myself..... I wasn’t like that..... And, that's how the depression just went on.......
But, now, if you ask me, I would say I am doing it for myself... Just for myself... My interests... Something that would attract me......

So, I chose the subject I loved... I didn’t listen to anyone.... I prioritized myself... And, now I can say I am doing it all for myself...
And, I am not pretending... It’s just me... Who laughs randomly, who listens to her heart.... And, doing random things... I shake hands to understand things... I try to be physically present... I use the methods I prefer and I just really don’t care how it looks to others...
Well, at the same time, I know I can't bother anyone....

So, for me, as long as I am not bothering anyone, I just don't really care....
It’s not easy to say that... But, I am trying....
Because the judgments are brutal and I do struggle..... Well, I would still say, I will always choose myself........ Yeah...

And, that's how I realized that it’s actually me....... Authentically....
Someone who is odd but exceptional.........
And, I am proud to be the odd one... It’s like finding myself once again....

And, I am trying and I am really optimistic about it... Being able to share this here is like a blessing.... This is the place that gave me the liberty to be myself..... And, I am doing so....
And, I am just beyond grateful for everyone here ❤️......
#Depression #MentalHealth #Anxiety #CheckInWithMe #MightyTogether #self
acceptance #CheerMeOn