I just want to a normal human being is that too much to ask? #Constantpain #ME #ME #MyalgicEncephalomyelitis #Endometriosis
Everyday I find myself pushing myself to get up, go to work, to be a normal healthy person when reality is I’m not. I’ve been ill for nearly 18 years now, and each time I’ve had operation I’ve got worse or they diagnose something else. I now live with ME/CFS, depression, anxiety, endometriosis, bladder issues and appear to be the only person in the world that is allergic to fibre, plus so many other illness. Yet everyday I get up feel like I put a metaphorical mask on and hide behind it and push myself to go to work. Why do I do this you ask but the truth is I don’t know the answer myself. I know it causes more health issues and when I’m not working I literally don’t move from my bed as I can’t function, yet still I continue the same cycle week after week. Is it because I have this deep desire to prove that I am strong and can fight it all when in fact inside my body is screaming at me to stop. Or is that I have this feeling inside that for one day I want to be pain free and be seen for me not for the woman that has all these excuses why she can’t go out, she can’t does this or that, the woman that’s always at the surgery or hospital or the woman that takes so many medications she surely keeps the pharmacy is business. Why do I try to hide that I’m in pain 24/7 and that I’m so fatigued it takes all my effort just concentrate on the task. Why do I do this to myself and torture myself when I know eventually I’ll crash and I’m slowly killing my body off. Why why why?? The only answer I can give is I love my job (I work in mental health) and if I can help one person feel better than I do then surely it makes all my suffering worthwhile or is that I have this illusion that I’m good at pretending I’m normal? What even is normal?