Defeated

Hi everyone! I hope you all are hanging in there. Recently I have been having an issue with my parents. They were supportive and understanding of me for fibromyalgia but lately they have been using it against me. I am not able to do a lot of the things I used to, and I tell them that I don’t use having fibromyalgia as an excuse. I would LOVE and WISH I could do some of the things I used to. They have started to make it about them, and my feelings are flat out hurt.
#FibromyalgiaDiagnosis #Fibromyalgia #frusturated #ididntaskforthis #Defeated #sad

Its been awhile since I posted on here. I moved away from an abusive ex to a new start in Pennsylvania. Rocky start but life is way better now. I have a wonderful dr but as of today, they have really pissed me off. I have been having a fibromyalgia flare up for about 4 weeks now. I've never had one last this long and so I called them. They prescribed me prednisone for infammtion. Great cause that typically helps. Well this time it hasn't. I've already missed some work hours. I'm behind on bills because eof other things that had come up so im stressing out over that as well. This just through me over the top. I asked the receptionist if the nurse could order me something else for pain as I'm having to take one of my nightly muscle relaxers during the day to cope through work. They said they can't do anything until they see me and the earliest I can see someone would be Friday. She then had the nerve to tell me I can take over the counter pain medication. I'm sorry are you fucking kidding me?! If fibromyalgia could be helped eith ibuprofen my life wouldn't be so hard. But it doesn't do shit and the fact that they told me this made me so angry. I feel alone. I feel like no one cares. I'd like them to step in my shoes and have someone tell them you can take some ibuprofen for the severe pain you are in. I havent felt this way in a while and I feel completely defeated. I called a pain specialist in the area and they are able to squeeze me in tomorrow so at least there is some light at the end of the tunnel. However, I'm still worried they aren't going to do anything for me. I've seen pain specialists before and nothing has worked so far and i dont know what else i can do. Ive been using over the counter meds, my medical marijuana, hot showers, heating pads, pain cream. You name it ive done it and my pain still at a 7. #Fibromyalgia #ChronicPain #Defeated #stressed #Anxiety #keepgoing

I worked for this company for 8 years and was somewhat expected to be promoted, but I felt there was bias during the interview as not all of the panels were in during this other person's interview. I had tougher questions coz all of the panel were there and they were expecting I would be promoted. Some questions to this other person was about this meeting he attended, which I do not know of. This other person got promoted. I felt demoted.

Also, we've been trying to conceive for a year now and still I'm not pregnant.

My husband does not have a stable job. I mostly see him playing games when I go home from work. I do the house chores while he just relaxes.

I just want something happy in my life for a change.

#Anxiety #Depression #Defeated

I seek help for my chronic mental health only to be stigmatized by my own psychiatrist... Makes me not want the help and feeds into my negative thought process... and society wonders why the suicide rate is so high smh #Anxiety #Depression #PTSD #Defeated

My relationship with the father of my three daughters ended in February after 16 years. During those 16 years, there was a lot of toxicity. He is an alcoholic and was/is physically, emotionally & verbally abusive. Primarily towards me but the girls have witnessed it. We are over for good now & because of his substance abuse issues, I have restricted his contact with our children. Here recently, he (& his girlfriend) have threatened to take ‘drastic measures’ if I don’t give him full access to our children at his discretion. Monday, I filed a domestic violence civil protection order for my children and I. Today, I was granted the ex parte order & will have to go back to court in two weeks in which he will be present to fight against me. When I signed those papers today, I sobbed. I couldn’t stop crying. This is not how my life was supposed to turn out. Never in a million years did I think I would have to take these drastic steps. I have failed to make my family work despite my trying tirelessly for over a decade to keep things together.

I feel so defeated and I don’t have any fight left in me.
#SuicidalThoughts #DomesticViolence #Depression

I had my first appointment with a rheumatologist yesterday. I knew what to expect. Best case scenario: blood tests and imaging and a follow-up appointment. Worst case scenario: "there's nothing wrong with you, go home." I wasn't surprised that the doctor said there was nothing wrong with me, but I was surprised how much it hurt me. I waited for months and hoped that he would be the one to finally tell me that I'm not crazy and that there's a reason that I can't do normal 20-year-old things. He didn't' even offer testing. I am so defeated and so disappointed. I don't expect someone to fix me, but I'd like someone to take me seriously and believe me when I say that I KNOW something is wrong. It sucks. #DoctorsSuck #Defeated #wheretogonow

So here’s a little background:
My 6 year old daughter has been screened for and has SPD. I know this is not a diagnosis, but she has been tested, meets criteria, and 18 months of weekly therapy was recommended around the beginning of March 2020. We were waiting on insurance approval and landed in the middle of this pandemic. She did not begin therapy as planned. I’m a nurse and had to take leave due to fallout of COVID. My husband travels for work and is home only 6-7 days a month, he’s the primary bread winner so I gave my career up to stay at home. WHEW! BY FAR THE HARDEST “JOB” IVE EVER TAKEN ON!!!Our summer had a few trying days but ultimately we were able to push through with minimal breakdowns, I’m guessing because she was at home with her family everyday.
Fast forward to now-We opted for a 2/3 school week. 2 days in class and 3 distance learning. The other option is 5 days distance learning. I felt my children needed social interaction with peers as they had just spent the last 6 months under quarantine. So starts the distance learning...WHAT A MESS!!!
I’ve am so overwhelmed, irritated, and feel like pulling my hair out over this! I start to become anxious Monday morning when the next assignments are posted. There is no teacher instruction for the distance learning portion. If I have a question for the teacher I can email her and she has 24 hours to respond. We are given a packet with several pages of worksheets, a couple of videos to go over, and in addition students are required to log 15 mins of reading and math practice through the schools website daily. My daughter fights me front start to finish. I am in tears and at times feel like I’m going to have a panic attack. Sophia is extremely smart, but the meltdowns prevent her from excelling.
Even if I could get her to cooperate, I am not a teacher, I do not know how to teach her. I can read the directions for worksheets, of course, but to know how to help her retain the info , NO.
If I were to ask an educator to start an IV or put an NG tube in chances are there would be a learning curve on their end as well.
Did I mention she is in Kindergarten? Probably one of the most important learning times for a child. They are building the basic foundation for the rest of her elementary school years. But most importantly are learning to read.
She is falling behind on site words, her teacher pointed this out to her in front of her peers, she came to my bedside multiple times in the middle of the night obsessing over the word “the,” so worried she will forget it tomorrow and will be embarrassed again tomorrow. I see a meltdown in my very near future, like when her alarm goes off at 7.
We are on a schedule for school days& distance learning days with a couple of slight differences. We are awaiting approval from insurance company to get her therapy started.

#overwhelmed
#Anxiety #SensoryOverload
#COVID19
#Depression
#Defeated

Today out of no where I burst into tears. I was alone with my thoughts and I felt so empty and lost. I knew I had things to do and take care of yet my body felt so drained. I couldn't find my way to accomplish what I needed to. Then of course, like old times, comes the self depreciating negative thoughts. "I am not where I should be in my life, that I am a lazy loser and I have nothing and no one in this world". I don't want that pendulum and I try to fight it but then I look at the clock and while I am fighting myself, I am also fighting time. I have tried gratitude journal and self affirmations. But i cant get myself there if I don't believe them. It is like i am lying to myself and i am grateful for so many things but it also shines a light on my greatest failures. I am pushing myself to keep going but all I see is all the plates I keep dropping and all the people I am disappointing everyday. It physical hurts to hide my pain and sadness to put on a mask just to get through my day bc no one wants to be around me bc I am such a bummer to be around when I am feeling low. I feel like I could scream. My whole life has been flipped on its head and I feel like skin is the only thing keeping me together. People don't have to say they are disappointed, bc I feel it and I hear it in their voices and in their body language. It is not enough I can barely give myself enough breath of energy to get out of bed but to be kicked down and torn to pieces along the way sure has a way of taking the Depression to another level. I feel like I am suffocating in my sorrow and I don't have a life raft anywhere. I just keep sinking and I don't know where to start to get my life back on track. #Sinking #Selfdeprecation #Suffocating #Skindeep