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I thought I was passed this
I was diagnosed with BPD at 14. My symptoms were extremely severe for a long time, but I’ve been in remission for years. I am 37. I also have CPTSD, OCD, generalized anxiety disorder and panic attacks, Major depressive disorder, Dysthymic disorder, ADHD, Fibromyalgia, Degenerative disc disease, Arthritis, Spinal stenosis, And other chronic illnesses that involve immense pain and other challenges. I’ve done a lot of work to reach a place of stability and I’ve been doing pretty OK. I got sick last year and I haven’t gotten better. It might be long Covid. I used to live an extremely active life, and now I can’t the body that I was in and the person that I was is no more I am grieving the life. I thought I would have and I am grieving who I used to be. I feel lost and alone, but I have been managing. My husband‘s brother is in the Coast Guard stationed in Alaska. We live in south east United States Tuesday. My husband left to go to Alaska for eight days to visit his brother. He won’t be back till next Tuesday. It’s only been a couple of days And I am really struggling. My thoughts are dark and my BPD is making an appearance. A lot of what I am feeling is valid and there’s a lot of unresolved pain that he has caused through our relationship. I thought I had dealt with that is surfacing. I don’t feel like I can trust him anymore. I also caught him in a small lie. Which reaffirms that I cannot trust him. I thought we had a good relationship, but I think I was fooling myself. He is not a bad husband and he’s not a bad Person. But he’s also, not Ben the husband that I need. I realize I have been really really lonely pretty much our whole relationship there’s certain things I ask him to do and he says he will do and then he doesn’t do them. Or things that I tell him are important to me and he says he hears me and then there’s no follow-through.. He knows my story. He knows what I’ve been through and he knows what I struggle with. I told him he should go on this trip because I wanted to be a good supportive wife, but now I regret saying that he didn’t take the time to have conversations and check in with me to see how I was processing the coming up trip and to see what he could do to make sure I would be OK and have a safety plan in place. I really just want him to come home. I need him to come home but he won’t. If the situation was reversed, I would try and get an earlier flight back. And he’s choosing not to. On one side I get it because this trip is important to himand spending time with his brother is important to him but also what about me? What about our family, he keeps saying how he wishes we were there with him, and he keeps experiencing stuff and seeing stuff that he wishes he could share. and that this is hard for him too. But in all the videos and pictures he sent he looks like he’s having a great time and I’m here broken into 1 million pieces with no one to help hold me together. I feel alone betrayed abandoned and left out. Things that I have felt throughout our marriage as a byproduct of his choices he asked me to give him Grace, but I have nothing left to give. I don’t know where this leaves us I think he expects to come home and everything’s just gonna be fine and that’s not the case. I don’t know what to do. I feel so defeated and letdown by the one person that’s supposed to have my back and the one person that supposed to be there for me for better or worse. And he’s not.
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