Perfectly Hidden Depressed Person

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Perfectly Hidden Depressed Person
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    Life blows, when you’re not having fun..

    I’m just very sad; I’m on a cruise to the Mexican Rivera and I’m feeling lost and out of place. I’m with 6 other people, including my husband and my younger daughter and her boyfriend. I’m glad to meet him for the first time. We all agreed that it’s better to meet now than at my older daughter’s future passing. She (my oldest daughter,) has metastatic stage 4 breast cancer. She continues to act as though us, her parents are dead. For reasons known to us, she’s walled us off and out of her life.
    Last night my younger daughter said she didn’t know if we’d ever meet in Columbus OH, where both our daughters now live. I simply said, “If I want to go to Columbus to see you, and him, I will!” She didn’t understand how that would be possible for me, knowing that my older child also resides in that city. She said that she imagined that would be really painful, like having ones heart ripped out not to be able/free to see my oldest child. What damn difference does it make? The older one won’t communicate with us now, anyway. I had a shitty nights sleep thinking about how nasty and spiteful that the older one is playing this game..She’s holding people hostage by her illness! My older sister is also enjoying torturing us, by being in either buddy,buddy league, or substitute Mom status, with my older daughter. -Never mind that they hadn’t spoken or communicated for at least 15 or 16 years! Now she’s my daughter’s favorite aunt! What the hell did I do to deserve such outright disrespect and lousy treatment, from those I Love and care about? It’s just all really nasty and crappy..My husband doesn’t feel this way. He thinks it’s ok that our daughter has shunned us, since she’s always been difficult and problematic. He thinks my sister, who I see as opportunistic and definitely having narcissistic tendencies, might be helping our cause? My thought is that with my sister’s recent post card from Columbus, that she visited my daughter there, is outright mean. The post card didn’t say this, but it felt like this: I’m in Columbus because your daughter flew me here to see her! I have your daughter’s Love and affection and you don’t!
    I’m thinking I should write my sister a postcard from a destination where my sister and I had talked about going to. I should write..”Having a lovely time, glad you’re not with us!” I know it’s petty, but she’s beyond annoying to me.
    I’m just writing all this while we’re at sea. Trying to rid myself of some of emotions and thoughts I can’t outwardly express. Life sucks. #depressed #PerfectlyHiddenDepressedPerson #PTSD #feelings #painful #Emotion #Cancer #Family #heartstab over and over again..I’m in counseling to help process some of my feelings. But the hurt runs deep.

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    #PerfectlyHiddenDepressedPerson
    So yesterday I found out my daughters dads girlfriend is posting that my daughter Ashley was her daughter and it bothers me since he wasnt even on the birth certificate it doesn't make sense to me how he could have had her both of them took her from me when she was 3 weeks old I haven't been the same since then her dad refused to let me see her unless I signed paperwork I said I wont sign it and I never saw her again until one day the children's hospital in Seattle Washington called telling me she was dying by the time I was able to get there I knew she was gone and I nearly fell to my knees because I already knew and in my gut I knew her dad and his girlfriend were responsibilitresponsible for her death and not only is she saying she was her mom but shes also tried to change her name im pissed I want to say something but is it worth it Ikr im her mom so what does it matter why does it matter why doni care about a silly little thing like that i feel like I wasnt her mom I feel like inwas just a surrogate.....

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    the dreariness of it all

    The feeling of ennui, lethargy that overcomes you following repeated assaults on your sense of well being, dignity and outlook served by cruel and unforgiving fate! A painful and shameful separation, sabotaged repeatedly at work by rotten systems and work ethics being two of the many such setbacks that cruel fate dealt on me.

    This has one totally capitulated and prostrate. A dreary and overpowering sense of wretchedness overcomes you from the moment you wake up... complete indifference, fear and loathing. A stigma too latches on to your persona and the few people you count on also ignore you... who wants to associate with a jinx, loser and a failure? and such unpleasant folks tantrums? and even if perceived charitably what do we tell such a person? I don’t have a family and i don’t work..., guess between the two much of modern life gets accounted for. And ergo folks look so askance when i encounter few. You become a ‘specimen’ and with such history and baggage a stigmatized ‘other’.

    It’s been weeks since i have met anyone, or even had a conversation or chat whose purpose was anything other than transactional... Recall the time how one used to engage in certain banter and (seemingly) meaningful chats and meet up few folks. But then today when one thinks deeper we realise the sucker that one was in initiating such fraternizing and prop the vanity of many just to keep myself animated. So wish some would give me the same benefit of doubt today. It’s just my counselor(s) now...

    So now that you have ceased taking such initiation, you are alone. And further on such recognitions, one becomes very diffident. You then recourse to other pursuits or distractions ... attempting to write a book, you read a bit... then some yoga... have a routine as well of scheduled cooking, gardening and listening to some music and netflix through the day... but nothing makes meaning or sense. Grieving alone and yet reaching to your depths to keep life and matters nominally functional is exhausting and deeply hurting...😢 How long will i be chastised by fate, circumstances and people...?? how long do i put up with such loss, shame and weariness? #SuicidalThoughts #Loss #Stigma #FailureToThrive #Shame #Loneliness #DysthymicDisorder #PerfectlyHiddenDepressedPerson

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    Alone again

    Realizing you have hyper independence is hard because you’re aware of the fact it’s near impossible for you to let people help you but even when you try.. even when you fully open up to someone about the things hurting you and tearing you apart the people you thought would help you fall silent and do nothing proving that no one will ever be there for me and I don’t know why I always let myself open up to people when I know what will happen I will be shut down again and told to shut up again or just simply not get a reaction again... well I found my blades so guess I’m going back to that again.. cuz I’m alone again... realize it early kids ain’t no one got you. #alone #PerfectlyHiddenDepressedPerson #Alonewithnosupport

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    Alone again

    Realizing you have hyper independence is hard because you’re aware of the fact it’s near impossible for you to let people help you but even when you try.. even when you fully open up to someone about the things hurting you and tearing you apart the people you thought would help you fall silent and do nothing proving that no one will ever be there for me and I don’t know why I always let myself open up to people when I know what will happen I will be shut down again and told to shut up again or just simply not get a reaction again... well I found my blades so guess I’m going back to that again.. cuz I’m alone again... realize it early kids ain’t no one got you. #alone #PerfectlyHiddenDepressedPerson #Alonewithnosupport

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    Seriously!!! #Depression

    So someone that has been the best friend has blindsided me. She pushed and pushed and kept asking me if I was ok, told me I can trust her, talk to her, wants to help me. This was 10mths ago. So back then I finally decided to be brave and say I wasn’t ok. I opened my life to her told her my deepest secrets and thoughts. She became so concerned for me she felt she needed to tell my husband (he knew nothing I hid it). I begged her not too but she felt he should know. The last 10mths my life has spiraled out of control as I have faced so much from the past etc. she has been there as she said she would be. Told me she will walk with me through this etc. and then Today she called and what would you know, she said it feels like she is back in high school and doesnt know what I want from her. Um seriously 😒 want to crawl back into my hole where I once was and nobody knew nothing. I don’t care if people sense I wasn’t ok i wish I never opened up and let myself be vulnerable. #drepession #alone #hurt #sad #angry #depressed #PerfectlyHiddenDepressedPerson

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    No hope, I’m just existing

    I feel like a failure in everything. I can’t do phone calls because my #Anxiety is always up the roof. I can’t go out because I’m broke. I can’t lose weight fast even though I diet and work out. I can’t talk to a crush because I’m awkward so I’m always left on read. I have had to work my ass off thrice as hard as anyone and barely get results. Some people have it easy and it’s never fair.
    I am tired of trying to be normal because I’m not. I stay away from people because when they mean something to me, they tend to walk out of my life. I’m tired of pretending I enjoy things that normal people like. I barely find anything exciting these days. I’m tired that I’ve painted a ton of paintings and barely sold any. I’m tired that my family doesn’t appreciate art like I do. Tired of being tired. I wish my life ended the day I was born. I wish I wouldn’t be alive because reality is sucking me dry. Right now I just want to sleep and forget. Sad I have to wake up in the morning. #PerfectlyHiddenDepressedPerson #CheckInWithMe #lonely #depressed

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    Positive thoughts

    I confinded in my grandma and attempted to open up to her. I told her that I’ve been depressed and I don’t feel motivated. She preceded to basically tell me i’m not trying hard enough. I wonder am I not trying hard enough? Is that why I constantly feel this way. If I “thought positive thoughts” would it make that much of a difference. Can I try harder? She made it sound like everything is so simple. If it’s so simple then why can’t I do it. Why can’t I ever get out of this dark hole. #PerfectlyHiddenDepressedPerson #depressed #Depression

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    I FOUND YOU! #InterstitialCystitis

    I’ve been on this site for awhile, but I couldn’t locate my #ic friends. Please introduce yourself and tell me what you’d LOVE ❤️ to do this week if you had unlimited spoons! #InterstitialCystitis #CPTSD #Anxiety #PerfectlyHiddenDepressedPerson #ChronicMigraines #Spoonies #WEARAMASKYOUIDIOT #DomesticAbuseSurvivors #Early Childhood Trauma

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