I developed BPD because my parents were intentionally trying to hurt me is a limiting belief that I have which is hold me back and causing me suffering.
I am learning to let go of the rage, anger and hate that I have towards my parents because it is making suffer more than it is causing them any pain.
I don’t see them as my parents anymore because to me they were never my parents and that’s okay. Not in an abondonment sense just that they aren’t my parents, period.
They were just the people who raised me. I can now be a parent for myself. I have the rest of my life to teach myself that I am loveable, I am enough, I am smart, I am worthy, I am beautiful, and I am valid.
No matter how much I try to make the people who raised me understand that the beatings, the yelling, the scaring, the guilting, the screaming, the threatening, the ignoring, the emotionally neglect and the shaming is not the right way to be parents. They do not validate me or apologize. The people that raised me say, “We never did that and we tried our best to raise you. That’s how are parents raised us. We gave you shelter. We did nothing wrong”.
When I hear them say this I feel hopeless. It makes me feel rage, anger, and hate but holding onto these emotions only hurts me and makes me feel grief.
I think I feel hopeless and rage because I’m still looking for parents in people who to this day are unable to give me what I need. They are unable to love me in a kind way. The way that I want. I will learn to parent and love myself.
I know now it’s okay to feel emotions.
I remind my emotions as they come up (even the negative emotions) that I love them and that I can hear them. I am here for them.
I have radically accepted that the people that raised me just don’t have to ability to understand that how they treated me continuous to make me suffer today at twenty-six years old.
All I know is that I am here for myself now. I won’t give up on myself. I will give myself a good life.
I am beautiful, I am worthy, I am smart, I am loveable, I am enough and I am valid.
Thank you ✨,
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#BPDDiagnosis