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Pain is hitting bad again today, a long winded rant, I apologize. TW: mention of suicide in relation to a toxic parent and mention of sexual abuse

One other thing: there is swearing in this. If that's not for you, please move on.

I wanna scream it hurts so bad right now. I wanna just fade away. Psychiatrist/counseling office says they support me but last week my counselor outright ignored a trigger so I told him I can no longer work with him. He also said he only does 12 sessions but gave me more. Excuse my language but how the fuck can anyone work through anything in 12 sessions? Especially when someone doesn't trust counselors? Dude outright said it's surprising I even opened up to him and then pulls this shit. Today I'm in extreme pain and mental health is declining and last week the my psychiatrists MA said they can't support me all the time, use the crisis line. Well news flash the crisis line has made me worse and has hurt me, I've called back once before a call back sobbing and the lady asks "Why did you call back early?" As I was sobbing. So yeah call a line that only gives a fuck if you're actively suicidal and willing to go to the hospital. Which I've explained to them.
Oh and hospitals? If you want to hear extreme trauma, I'll inform you of my psych ward stay last year which my providers know about. My mom also knows and threatened to send me back to the same place. Well news flash mother you don't have power of attorney, all you can get is cops to do a wellness check who frankly won't do anything unless there's a danger, and I can get my psychiatrist to vouch I'm fine with your so called "threat" you think I did. Well guess what? That wasn't a threat at all or some stupid shit like that. I've asked people and they're confused. And I've never been a daughter to you? Well guess what you've never been a mom because I lost my mom when grandma died too because you've never been one.
Oh and saying shit when I ask for support like "oh what do you want me to say go...." I'm not going to say the rest before I bet people can guess.
Then you text to me say goodnight nightly like nothing is wrong. Like you did nothing. You even said you have no responsibility for anything. You even said you're confused as to how you're responsible. Remember the 6yrs of lawsuits you put me through when I begged crying not to do them against the man who molested and ****** me? Well that caused 6 additional years of trauma. And you said I had to do it for you and dad because you were hurt too. Well what about me? The one who lived through that shit? The one was relentlessly attacked by attorneys? The one who blames themselves still because you put blame on me by saying I gave you PTSD? When I wouldn't even wish this shit on him. Why am I the only one at fault here? WHY? Because you can't understand how a 15-16yo can be manipulated and groomed by a 50yo to hate their parents? Because you can't understand how it was traumatic? Well guess what I said no a couple times and learned fast it wouldn't go my way. I did say yes to a lot of things and blame myself to this day. 13yrs later.
Then to add the cherry on top, my brother had a fucked childhood cause of me. He told me he witnessed all the arguments and had to see that. My mom told me some lady yelled at them in a store due to what happened with that man or something I said and he was there. He went to his school counselor crying why his sister was always mad at the family. And worse. Yeah I know I fucked his childhood thanks for the reminder.

If anyone read all this, thanks and I apologize if it was triggering. I tried my best to warn people. I am struggling but trying my best and that's all I got right now. There is more to what my parents have said and done. I don't know how to handle it anymore or handle people defending them. This also doesn't cover the stuff I've been through with doctors the past few weeks or a lot of other stuff that has happened. It's been hell. My counselor seriously didn't think there'd be an emergency last Monday, and over a week later hell has just gotten a lot warmer, between the pain getting extremely worse, my parents and other things. I think I better just settle in and accept it by now. As a song from Bring Me The Horizon says: Even hell can get comfy once you've settled in.

#CPTSD #ChronicIllness #ChronicPain #MajorDepressiveDisorder #Anxiety #Autism #Autistic #PanicDisorder #toxicparents #SexualAbuse #SuicidalThoughts #Fibromyalgia #CFS #MyalgicEncephalomyelitis #ChronicFatigue #EmotionalAbuse #Advice #help #Arthritis #MedicalTrauma #counselors #SexualTrauma #ChidlhoodTrauma

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I was wondering. why should I forgive my parents when they hurt me. like they literally hit me until I bleed but they can shove my ass out of their house when I fucked up. #toxicparents #Family #Parents #ChronicDepression


Toxic Narcissists In Families

someone explain to me why this family member of mine who is a TOXIC ass narcissist..
I’m talking like gypsy rose blanchard’s mother (the mom from “mommy dead and dearest”) type of toxic.. has invented that she has cancer because no one wants to accept her apology.
MIND YOU, her apology is saying she’s sorry for how she reacted after everyone deceived her and betrayed her. then she says we should forgive her because she’s DYING??? and how she wants to leave us with her stuff and daughter to take care of. she provided fake lab results that prompted my family to look further into.. SHE’S LYING!
so since she was called out for lying, she’s actually doubled down on her claims and says she’s got 2 months left to live lol.
she repeatedly calls her parents, who are in their 90s, to harass them, insult them, and humiliate them out of anger that others won’t forgive her or believe the lies. she abuses her parents, hangs up, then calls back just to curse at them again. she makes them suffer and cry all the time only pushing people further away. but guess what?
she just pushes abuse on top of lies on top of harassment.

#narcissit #toxicparents #toxicfamilies #manchausenbyproxy #Abuse #lies

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The gift that kept on hurting

I had a really nice car for my first car. Bc it was so nice and I wasn’t paying for it I was suppose to ignore the abusive/narasitic behavior of my parents. A guilt gift if you may call it.

I was ashamed every time The burden of having it got too much. Like I begged for something like this. That was way out of their price range and that I know we could barely afford.

The crazy part was I wanted a second hand car that was barely a 3rd of the cost for this car. He bought it on a whim to make me happy. Like he’s been doing my whole life...

I still feel guilty for feeling the way that I did. I tried giving the car back on numberous occasions. Currently I no longer have the car and I am still trying to heal from all of that... 3 years of being treated like I was ungrateful for a burden I was thrown into, for asking for help when knowing they was paying for my car they gave to me, and having to deal that working and earning my degree. I was sooo burned out I don’t think I have recovered yet.

I seen this In my memories from this month 3 years ago. I thought I was happy but I really was just ignoring how I was really feeling. #narasiticabuse #Depression #toxicparents


#DisfunctionalFamily #toxicparents #SuicidalThoughts #s #SuicideAttempt

last summer I had an attempt which unfortunately was not successful; but the horrible thing besides all the nightmares that I had gone through is finding out that my parents were fighting over my attempt to makes it look as if I had done it in their favour!!!! and the most disgusting thing is that they suggest each other to pretend that it matters to them!! to pretend that I matter to them!!!!!

The Hell itself spat me out and that's a very wrong doing of it. I could stand the psychiatric ward, the attack at the hospital, the betrayal of my psychologist, amnesia and the rest... bit this!!! this is to much. just too much...


I live with my trigger

So my family has lived with my father in law for 7.5 years. He is the most toxic individual i know. He refuses to take responsibility for his actions and always plays the victim. He constantly gaslights me and my son, and teases my son to the point that my son would rather spend all day in his room.
I'm trying to recover from a really bad bipolar depression episode and have been on disability for a month. I was finally getting somewhere when my father in law had one of his tantrums. And I'm so sick of it that I just don't take it anymore. I know I shouldn't argue with him because it accomplishes nothing, but I'm so tired of feeling silenced.
I wish I could get out of the situation, but unfortunately we don't yet have the money to move out. And because of covid I can't even go anywhere for a short break. I just wish I knew how not to let him get to me. #Depression #Anxiety #BipolarDepression #toxicparents


Toxic Family, What should i do with my weak body and mental?

I'm pretty sure now, if my parents are toxic people. I thought my mom full of drama (always want to be right, don't wanna know about her fault/don't wanna criticise, she was very ashamed if my father wanna angry at public/fight at the public but i remembered when i was child, she let my father beat me but when i told her again about that, she was angry and then said "you must know, every parents wanna give the best for their child and that is good for you". I gave her a lot of criticise even the religious words when i was religious person but she many many times refused. My father was abusive physical and verbal person. But i was trying to understand cause he has diabetes.)
And me, i was trying to get into university &institute this year but 3 test failed. But then my third test for get into institute succeed but as a Reserve participants and i didn't read that massage from another my phone almost 1 month, but my third test is indepent way to get into that one instotute, i choosed this institute again when the first test done. The second test forced by my mom. The first test we must write two kind of university&institute or just different major. My mom was angry because the first choice was far from my hometown.
Actually, i have chronic illness, my last doctor said i'm not spondyloarthropathy but SLE. And i thought i have mental illness too but still didn't reach the psychiatrist. But my parents agreed and wanna bring me there after a long time i discused about this.
But if i get into college this year i'm still skeptical. Although i got diagnosed Autoimmune, i'm still flare and i thought i didn't match with the doctor. And my mental issue still mystery cause i still didn't come to the expert. But what if i go to the mental expert, and then they can't fix like my rheumatologist?
#toxicfamily #toxicparents #ToxicPeople


i think i need a therapist....

i have so much crap that i need to deal with.... but idk. therapy is expensive af and basically my friends left me.... i pretty much have one i can rely on. toxic mom...
at least i’m eating but not enough, that’s for sure. i lose my appetite when i’m in a depressive mood. big time.
i’m all over the board.
haven’t told anyone this yet but thanks for the bloddy nose last night mom.
#ADHD #toxicparents #deptession



So I’m working on being more comfortable being myself now that I moved home. I’ve heard that my family members thinks that being off at school has changed me... little do they know this is the person who I wanted to be all along. I spent so much time trying to be the person they wanted me to be for far too long. Now they treat me like a stranger. I am still me just me being who I want to be. Being back in a toxic environment makes it hard for me to heal from it bc it’s always something that comes back to remind me I’m still hurting. It’s a struggle and I’m constantly trying to escape. I don’t want to just escape. I just want to move on. #Depression #healingisnotlinear #toxicparents #FamilyDoesntGetIt

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