This was my first post from a little while back (it’s sort of long): Hi, my name is 1Annabelle. I'm here because my adult (24 yo) daughter has recently been Dx with Borderline personality disorder. I have always been very consistent with her, reassuring, encouraging, and tell her self-esteem building things all the time. She and her bf very recently broke up after just shy of 3 years living together. She also (right before they split, I mean the day of or day after) asked me if she could move back home. Last time she lived at home was right before COVID. She lost her job, and was a complete slob. Stained my white bathrooms (plural), would not pick up (you couldn’t see the floor in her room), kept trash and moldy, to the point it was fuzzy, food and half drunk glasses of wine and empty vodka and wine bottles buried under stuff on the floor. She needed to come home, and I told her yes, and then told her that her lack of cleanliness is quite the deterrent. It literally took 6 CLOCK HOURS to clean just the 2 bathrooms she used. She then blamed me for her mess along with lots of other false accusations. Her father and I divorced when she was 10, and that was hard on her. He is a narcissist, I am not. She has idolized him (trauma bond?) since she was born. His and my parenting is polar opposite. He is of the ‘let her raise herself’, and I’m ‘she has boundaries and expectations’. He has always bad-mouthed me to her with false allegations, outright blatant lies, blame shifting, and being/playing the victim. She called me crying 4 days ago, and I absolutely exploded at her. I said that she could come back, but if the false accusations happened that she would be out. My tone was COMPLETELY uncalled for, and TOTALLY INAPPROPRIATE. I then hung up on her. She moved into my brother & SIL downstairs apartment this weekend. I feel very very very guilty for yelling at her like I did. I meant the words, but the tone was awful. Knowing the words and tone are 2 separate things, I know she is feeling very betrayed and completely rejected and lost. I need to write her a letter, but have zero clue as to how to apologize effectively. PLEASE SOMEONE TELL ME HOW TO APOLOGIZE AND REGAIN MY DAUGHTER’S TRUST. HELP! I know she’s in excruciating emotional pain from the break-up and feeling as though her mother rejected her. PLEASE HELP ME.
Please know that her father ALWAYS criticized and ridiculed her from literally the minute she was born. He never took much interest in her. He also bad-mouths me to her (from her birth to present). It took me 17 years to finally have the strength to leave. She was 10. She has always idolized him, even though I was always her safe place. I feel as though I have betrayed and destroyed my child. Please know that I’m also dealing with a physical disability (Spinocerebellar Ataxia) that several neurologists and the Mayo Clinic deems idiopathic. It’s degenerative and getting worse. It manifested over 20 years ago. I can’t walk anymore. I just carry on anyway, and choose not to be around people who choose to judge. #Daughter