Financialabuse

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    This Bed, Incontinence, and Fat Me

    This motel bed is worn out from my fat body and the limited space I have on it. I sit up on the bed, and my abdomen sits over my legs, and it causes my right thigh a lot of discomfort. I can't find a position that works except leaning back and to the left, but then I have my phone too close to my eyes (and most positions I sit in, I fall into leaning forward, so the phone's too close to my eyes even then. Leaning back doesn't always help, either.

    The bed I'd sunk in, and the times I've wet the bed (yes, I use bed pads, but when I've emptied my full bladder, it's not enough, plus my boyfriend only gets the cheapest bed pads and underwear, and they don't even carry my size in any brand in the stores.

    Yes, I *am* trying to lose weight, but I'm limited as to what I can eat, and when I stay at the motel instead of going out, like I did today (because I'm sick), I have to rely on what my boyfriend's willing to get me. I only eat one meal a day, and a bag of chocolates as a snack. It's terrible, I know, but it's hard to find healthy snacks you don't have to refrigerate, especially if you crave sweets.

    I'm getting drowsy again, so I'm going to stop here.

    #Anxiety
    #ocd
    #obsessivecompulsivedisorder
    #Depression
    #panicdisorder
    #hoarder
    #hoarding
    #ptsd
    #cptsd
    #disability
    #abuse
    #emotionalabuse
    #mentalabuse
    #Financialabuse
    #Obesity
    #BladderIncontinence
    #Incontinence
    #UrinaryIncontinence
    #urge incontinence
    #bedwetting
    #overactive bladder

    Post

    No Stings Attached

    When you have survived a toxic relationship you come out of it feeling many different ways. In #Abuse , we form a very unhealthy bond to the abuser. They make you feel like you cannot survive without them. But you CAN!

    When I think back to the beginning of my relationship 16 years ago I fully understand what kept me there. I compare that bond to invisible "strings" that appear, a few are healthy at the beginning and then the strings that form after that are unhealthy. They are boundaries that are pushed that you tried to set in place. Add a string for every lie, every disappointment. Every name calling event or gas lighting. These strings attach us to the abuser as a day to day reminder that this is what we " deserve". Huge LIE. Narcissists love to use and abuse. It feels like the life is being sucked out of you! Then add children and other aspects in the relationship ... It makes you feel like you are child too!! Add another string.

    As your relationship continues, there are so many strings that they knock you "off balance" all the time. Every time you try to cut a string, a new one appears. You are so unhealthy in this attachment that you feel like gravity is pushing you down... But it's the strings. And like a puppeteer your Narcissist will pull a string, or adjust a string just enough to hurt emotionally. How do you get out of such a complex relationship?

    Emotional Detachment plays a huge role in this. Yes these strings are hard to even manage but this is where being vulnerable comes in. Reach out for help when you feel like it will never even. Every time you take a step away from the abuser you cut a string! You are formulating your plan to leave? Cut a string! You get serious about it. There are many many services to navigate and the closer you get to being "done" the strings start freeing you!!! The weight lessens. And then...

    You are free! And the last of those strings are blocking them, tellimg them to get a lawyer for custody and access and division of property. When you are absolutely DONE and won't look back. The unhealthy strings are GONE. And your abuser will perform and act like a child. But you will have support and people to keep you moving forward! The difference? There are no strings attached. 💕 #nostringsattached #EmotionalAbuse #DomesticViolence #Financialabuse #physicalabuse #startingover

    1 comment
    Post

    Just Pretend I'm Screaming #OCD #PanicAttacks #abused #Health #MentalHealth #EmotionalAbuse #Financialabuse #Anxiety #Depression

    I'm tired and don't have time to say everything I want to. I have to get to sleep soon. We're supposed to get up to 11" of snow and I don't need it! I need to get out. I don't have a coat. My boyfriend snapped at me last night when I rushed in, asking him to get my nightgown while I got undressed, because I came really close to peeing myself (I have urge incontinence), and he took his time, and I begged him to hurry, and he said he didn't need it but I told him three times, plus I sent two or three text messages as I was driving to the motel that I had an emergency. He snapped at me, "Jesus Christ!" If I'd peed my pants, he'd be ad because I'd need new pants, because I only have one pair of pants, and I only have a hoodie, too. No coat. I want to say so much more, and I want to SCREAM, but I just wanted to get a little off my mind. Thank you. I'm tired and don't have time to say everything I want to. I have to get to sleep soon. We're supposed to get up to 11" of snow and I don't need it! I need to get out. I don't have a coat. My boyfriend snapped at me last night when I rushed in, asking him to get my nightgown while I got undressed, because I came really close to peeing myself (I have urge incontinence), and he took his time, and I begged him to hurry, and he said he didn't need it but I told him three times, plus I sent two or three text messages as I was driving to the motel that I had an emergency. He snapped at me, "Jesus Christ!" If I'd peed my pants, he'd be ad because I'd need new pants, because I only have one pair of pants, and I only have a hoodie, too. No coat. I want to say so much more, and I want to SCREAM, but I just wanted to get a little off my mind. Thank you.

    11 comments
    Post

    No More Adrenaline Dump


    He’s gone.

    No more checking all the rooms before I talk.

    No more locking my bedroom door behind me.

    No more double checking to see if it’s locked.

    No more heart jumping into my throat when I hear the sound of the front door opening.

    No more waiting for you to finish today’s threat standing by my door.

    No more biting my tongue to stop myself from answering.

    No more turning on the video camera whenever I see you.

    No more sudden adrenaline dump.

    No more cleaning up the mess you left in the kitchen.

    No more wondering if you are clean anymore.

    No more explaining to people what do you do with your time all day.

    No more asking you if you looked for a job today.

    No more cash loans that you won’t bother trying to repay.

    No more listening to fabrications and excuses.

    No more bothering to test your urine.

    No more locking up my cash and valuables.

    No more wondering where you are.

    No more wondering where you spent the night.

    No more wondering if you’ve been hit on the road.

    No more calling hospitals asking if you’ve been admitted.

    Just No More.

    #domesticabuse #Gaslighting #NarcissisticAbuse #CPTSD #PTSD #EmotionalAbuse #PsychologicalAbuse #Financialabuse

    6 comments
    Post

    Poety for Survivors

    The Woman That Loved You

    The woman that loved you
    Grieves hard for the death of this love.

    Grieves for the lost dream
    For the rude death of the illusion
    Of a genuine reciprocal love

    But I won’t let you hurt me anymore
    Won’t let you walk on me anymore
    Won’t let you make me bleed
    Anymore

    No more.

    #DomesticViolence #Gaslighting #EmotionalAbuse #Financialabuse #PsychologicalAbuse #Survivor