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The Day God Said No Part 2 #Suicide #miracle #redemption #Hope #god #MentalHealth

I was so excited to be able to see him again.   Seeing everyone who had passed before me thrilled me more than I can explain. And finally, I went to sleep, the a/c on high, and blowing right into my face, and a light cotton blanket across my body to keep the chill away.
I slept fitfully, and got up two more times in the night to relive myself, but jumped right back in. Otherwise, I never left that car, even to smoke a cigarette.  I smoked inside my car with the windows up. I never smoked in my car before. It was gross.  Eventually I fell into a deep sleep, and knew I wouldn’t wake up from it.
12 hours later, I woke up to the sound of what could only be a bird on my roof.  I could hear it pecking at my roof as if to say “Hey, God said it’s time to get up now, your little stunt didn’t work!”.  I sat up stunned and gazed at my clock. It was now 7pm the next day, and I quickly checked my gauges to make sure I was reading them correctly. I had burned a half tank of gas and been in this car of over 12 hours. More like 15 hours, and yet, here I was, still obviously alive.  What the actual fuck, I screamed out loud! How could I still be here? I looked and listened to make sure my car, which was still running, which of course it was. It was humming its tune to me, the engine and a/c still blowing, as if to say, “Yep, we are still doing our job.    Completely in shock, I stepped out of the car and into the parking garage and looked around, dazed and confused.  How could I possibly still be alive??? It shouldn’t be. Scientifically speaking, I should be dead, and I knew it!
Flabbergasted, I walked around and checked the pipe, swaying a little as I was extremely lightheaded and weak, but apparently fine other than that.  The socks were still intact. No exhaust was coming out of the pipe.  Shaking my head and cursing under my breath in disbelief, I went around to the driver’s side and got into the front seat. I had used a half tank of gas but was still here! HOW??  I screamed to myself!!!  Schock and anger took over. Angrily, I asked myself, now what?  And I heard Gods voice again, plain as day.  “Go home and write the book. I told you that you were divinely protected, but you wouldn’t listen. You can try again, but I assure you that you are simply wasting your time, “He said, firmly inside my head.  “Go get some fresh air, and something to eat. You’ll feel better after that. “, He urged me gently.
I knew then without a doubt that I had witnessed a miracle, plain and simple. God had saved me, in spite of myself.
I didn’t wake up with a revelation. I didn’t suddenly feel whole, hopeful or healed. I woke up because God refused to let me die.
Fifteen hours. Three socks in the exhaust pipe. My engine still running. And me – still alive.
No one found me. No one rescued me, except Him.
When I stepped out of that car, I didn’t know what came next, but I knew this:
God had said no. And now He was saying GO. I don’t have all of the answers. But I do know one thing with terrifying, beautiful clarity: I’m still here.  And if you are reading this, so are you.  Maybe that’s the miracle we both needed.

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The Day God Said No- And Gave Me My Purpose Part 1 #MentalHealth #clarity #Suicide #god #Miracle #Spirituallity #Hope

After suffering years of narcissistic abuse at the hands of my now ex-husband and his psycho girlfriend, I couldn’t take it anymore. I decided to end my life.  I wanted to see the ocean one last time, so I drove to Galveston.
It was everything I had hoped it would be. I watched the sunrise as I sat on the beach, and I marveled at God’s creation. The sunrise was magnificent, with dark pinks and oranges mixed with light blues and grays streaked across the sky. I cried when I saw the big orange and red orb of the sun peek over the horizon, as if mocking me with its brilliance. It was truly majestic. The water was green and crystal clear that morning and I could see so far out. I sat with my toes curled into the tawny, wet sand, the warm breeze blowing my hair across my face, and I cried. I cried for the stupidity of the whole thing. The needlessness. It didn’t have to be this way.  He didn’t have to treat me like he did, I lamented to myself.  Why is he so cruel? Why is she so broken that she helped him, I wondered. But here I was.  Homeless and alone, truly alone for the first time in a very long time.  I couldn’t hear God’s voice like I normally could. Only the sounds of the waves lapping at the beach and the distant sound of children’s laughter could be heard.  The silence was deafening, as if God too, was angry with me.  Sad, resigned and defeated, I made my plans.
This was it. Today will be my last day on earth, I thought to myself, as I gazed at the sunrise.  The weather couldn’t have been better for it, especially for an August in Texas. It was still early, and the temps were only around 78 degrees. It was a good day to die, I thought sardonically.   Still determined, I made my plans.
I went to the store and bought a utility knife with razor blades, a green utility rope, like the kind you would use to tie down things and a 12 pack of Corona (must keep hydrated, I wryly thought to myself) as I brought the items back to my room and spread them out onto the bed.
As I surveyed them, I cracked open the first beer, and it tingled on my tongue and tasted so good as it went down.  Crisp and cold, just the way good beer should be on a hot summer day in Galveston.   As I drank the beer, I perused the items I had purchased and thought about each one analytically.  I had to think things through and not go into this half-baked, or I knew it wouldn’t work.  I could be very impulsive, and this had to work on the first try, I   thought.
I first started with the green rope.  I googled how to tie a noose and quickly ignored the messages that popped up from the suicide prevention places.  Tying the noose was easy, it turns out.  I could hang myself, but where, I wondered as I looked around the room.  No good, I deduced. The doors wouldn’t hold rope and the closet rod and shower head seemed too flimsy, and I figured it would only break and cause damage to the room, so I checked it off of the list.
Next, I eyed the utility knife warily.  Nope, I quickly shot this idea down, as I don’t do pain (I had had enough pain in my life lately, and this was not the way, I firmly told myself) as I nixed this idea altogether. Too messy anyways. I would be terrible, and this had to work.  I couldn’t handle the idea of the mess I would be leaving for the poor maid, either.  Also, what if I missed the veins altogether? This stopped me in my tracks. So I checked this idea off my ever-growing shorter list.  What can I do that doesn’t hurt, I wondered, as I cracked open the third beer and feeling slightly buzzed by now.
I decided to drive around and think things through, so I packed everything into my car and drove aimlessly up and down the Seawall, looking out into the water,  beginning to fill up with the families out playing with their children in the surf, enjoying the fine weather, and having a happy vacation.   I wish I had taken more vacations, I thought, as I watched them play.
Finally, I had an idea that I knew would work, and didn’t hurt at all.  I would put socks in my exhaust pipe and give myself carbon monoxide poisoning. The exhaust would back up into my car. It was perfect, and painless, and I knew just the place.
I turned my red Honda CRV into the hotels front entryway, and made a sharp right and went down into their parking garage. It was small, and very quiet down here. Apparently, some people used this for cruise parking, so there wasn’t a lot of in and out traffic down here. I knew this was the place.   Somewhat excited now, at the thought of going home to heaven (I hoped anyways) I hopped out and grabbed everything I would need: three socks, composition notebook, pens, my phone and charger.   Looking around nervously to make sure it was clear, I used a pen and jammed three socks into the tailpipe, stuffing them in tightly then started the car.  I ran back to the exhaust pipe and tested it to see if any exhaust came out of it. It did not, so I knew it would back up into my car and kill me rather quickly.
I hopped back in, this time into the back seat. Comfort was a must, you know.  I grabbed my water and kicked back in the seat, my head on the pillows I had brought from home and began to watch movies on my phone.  I could smell the exhaust filling my car, but it wasn’t terrible like they show in the movies. In fact, I really couldn’t tell much difference other than the slight exhaust smell, like when you ride motorcycles. It was perfect, and I knew it.
The only concern I had at all, was that even with my lights on “off”, they still came on in the dimness of the garage and I feared I would be spotted. Then, I thought about it some more.   People are so busy with their own lives that they wouldn’t even notice me, I had said  to myself. I was correct about this assumption.   Only two cars came in or out of the garage that night and no one looked my way twice.   No one even gave me a second glance.
I cried a little at the unfairness of the world, felt incredibly sorry for myself, and attempted suicide notes. In the end, I decided to forego written notes altogether.   I made a few drafts of suicide notes for my family in my TikTok drafts folder.  There were no words anyways.
The one constant in my mind was Cami and Amee and Colton.   This was going to be so hard for Cami, and I knew it. Guilt would wrack my body each time I thought of her, yet my determination never wavered. I figured my two other kids would be relieved I was gone.  They both had me in their phones contact list as Batshit Crazy at one point, so I figured I was doing them a favor by ending it.
This was it, and soon I would be free. I was really doing this.   The car was quite comfortable, with the air blowing high. The silence from God was deafening, however,  so I assumed He agreed with me.   It’s time to come home, I thought, as I settled down to watch Marley and Me.   Resolved in my mission, I kept on going.
By the time the movie was over, I could tell the carbon monoxide was working.  I hopped out quickly, but only pee beside my car.  Hopping back in quickly, my limbs begging to feel oddly light, like Jello and I didn’t seem to have much control over them, so I laid down to fall asleep. This was it, I thought. Goodbye, cruel world.  Then, as I drifted off to sleep, I heard God speak to me.  He said, “You’re divinely protected,” as if a tired parent would say to a child who was doing something that the parent knew wouldn’t work.  My eyes snapped open, and I retorted hotly back out loud to Him, “I’m doing it anyways, and I will see you soon! Tell Steven to pick me up!” Steven was my little brother, two years younger than me, who had taken his life in 2004 when he was 32, and I was 34. I was so excited to be able to see him again.

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The Journey Home

There are experiences in our life that will not be needed during our journey into our Spiritual Man. We can enjoy them when they come, but we should be willing to let them go when the proper time comes. Some experiences will continue on and we will take them with us, because they will be useful and are a part of us.

My Spirit Man is lighter than my natural man. While my natural man sets his mind and desires on what is common to him, my Spirit Man longs for God and to walk in the fullness thereof.

I love both men; both the nature of Adam, though he has passed away, and the nature of Christ. #god #spirit

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The Examination of My Heart

Over the past few months, I have been experiencing teaching that shares how you can become an observer of your own life. The teaching has helped me in many areas of my life and from it, I am learning how to become an observer of my own heart.

It can be said that our lives are the product of what is within our hearts, so to go from observing my life to observing my heart is only a small and natural step.

I have taken this step because I am concerned with what I have been observing in my thoughts and my words. The content of a person’s heart always comes out through the words they speak, because out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.

While we observe, we should not become offended by our words or our hearts when we witness inconsistencies between God and His nature, as I have. Rather, we should be thankful that a place of observation led us to a true revelation of our hearts.

Whatever inconsistencies that appear in our hearts come as a result of being human, and, in some ways, forgetting our original identity in Christ. Thankfully, it is from our original identity that we can observe the issues of our human hearts with compassion.

Even though I am in a difficult place, by observing my heart with compassion I can hope to understand why I operate the way I do, and from that hope, I can identify some of the negative beliefs and behaviors that I participate in and turn them around for the good. #heart #issues #god

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Looking for Love

I have heard it said before that deep within each of us lies a space only God can fill, and that many of us travel this life trying to fill that space.

During my journey, I have witnessed that creation itself, as wondrous and as beautiful as it may be, was never designed to take God’s place in our life. In this created life we have been allowed to experience other people, patterns, and moments, but none of them can truly compare to the greatness of who God is.

When we focus on what has been created for us instead of our Creator, we end up loving and worshipping an illusion rather than the essence of who God is. But not all illusions are bad, and most were designed to bring us back to the truth of who we are, Sons and Daughters of God.

Loving the truth and turning away from the illusions can be difficult, but it is a journey we must all make, one that will lead us to the truest form of love.

God is after our hearts, first and foremost, and above all else. Once He knows He has your heart, He can lead you to your divine purpose in this created life. #god #Love

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My Scars are My Tattoos

I do not have any body art, or what most people call tattoos. Several of my friends and family members do. I think their cool and would get one…if it didn’t hurt!

I do have other tattoos that go deeper than the skin. I have scars tattooed on my heart from my past. Before I was diagnosed with bipolar, my life was completely out-of-control. I have done things and said things that I am very ashamed of doing and saying.

The story doesn’t end there. I know someone who has tattooed my name on the palm of His hands. Jesus. It doesn’t matter what I have done or said, He took it to the cross and there it stayed. The scars on my heart are still there, but they are covered with His blood.

Your scars, whatever they may be, are covered with His blood, too. Just accept Him as God’s one and only Son.

#Bipolar #mentalhealthmatters #god #Jesus #savior #cross

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Mental Wellness Minute - Shame

Today on Mental Wellness Minute, we will discuss briefly how shame can affect your mental health. The purpose of Mental Wellness Minute is to give short bites of information on mental health and mental illness that you can listen to and watch in about a minute. youtube.com/live/lFL-0xZfArM

#mentalhealthmatters #god #Jesus #savior #Forgiveness #Shame

Mental Wellness Minute - Shame

Today on Mental Wellness Minute, we will discuss briefly how shame can affect your mental health. Amy, the Life Conquering Advocate, can come alongside you ...
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God Sings Over You

God will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing. Zephaniah 3:17

Did you know that God sings? Did you know that He sings over you? Yes! No matter what you are going through yesterday, today, and tomorrow God is singing over you.

The Bible doesn’t tell us exactly what God sings over us, just that He does. If I were to guess what He is singing over me right now, it would be for me to be at peace. He is singing a lullaby that calms my anxiety and lifts my mood.

What is God singing over you today?

#mentalhealthmatters #Anxiety #god #Jesus #Singing

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The Unexpected Gifts from God

Every good and perfect gift is from God. James 1:17

God made this morning’s sunrise for us to enjoy. The laughter of children is a sound that brings parents adoration. The male cardinal eating at your birdfeeder displays the wonderment of God’s creation for us to appreciate.

All we need to do is recognize that all that is around us is a good and perfect gift from God for us to experience. Take time to look around you and relish the beauty of all the gifts that God created for you to relish.

Sometimes when I am feeling depressed, one of God’s gifts will come to my attention. I will see one of my sweet babies peacefully asleep and feel the love I have for them well up in my heart. I maybe outside with my three pup-dogs and I am laughing out loud at their playfulness. The other day I saw a blue jay soar through my backyard and I was amazed at his beauty.

When I stop to notice God’s gifts, the symptoms of my mental illness seem to shrink away for the time being. Thank you Lord for loving me enough to give me such precious gifts.

#Depression #mentalhealthmatters #Jesus #god #Love #giftsfromgod

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My Life of Cycling

Boy has this week been a humdinger! Fits of rage, the highs of mania, and the pit of depression and back again. Actually, this is my norm but it just felt more intense than usual.

I had an appointment with my psychologist yesterday. I told her that at the beginning of my mental health journey, the highs and lows would seem to come out of nowhere and I was pissed off. It took me several years to come to terms with the fact that the rollercoaster is always going. There is no off-season. It never shuts down.

She and I talked about how to sort of go with the flow. Know that it is going to happen and be okay with it. I told her that I ride the high as long as I can and take advantage of it.

She suggested that I have some ideas of what to do to when I fall into the pit of despair.

The one thing I know to be true that no matter what, Jesus is with me. Whether I am high as a kite or as low as I can go, He is there walking beside me.

The funny thing is that the ultra-rapid cycling is almost a blessing. I know that sounds crazy, but hear me out. I have more highs than I do lows. One of my dearest friends has severe major depression. She is in bed more than she is out of bed. When she has a good day, she hangs onto it with dear life because she knows it is fleeting.

I say my ultra-rapid cycling is a blessing because I could be on the flip side where the depression is more frequent and lasts longer than the hypomania or mania.

What about you? Do you experience more mania than depression or is it the other way around? What do you do to cope with cycling?

#bipolarcycling #Bipolar #Depression #Mania #Hypomania #mentalhealthawarenss #Jesus #god

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