hurtandangry

I've replaced my roommates names and left mine and my friend who was involved.

"I’m saying this here because we don’t want any kind of adverse reaction, and because we’re hoping that being with Pierce will help keep you calm if any of this upsets you.

Look, we aren’t trying to constantly rag on you for stuff. But when you say you’re going to do stuff, we just ask that you try a little harder. Today, for example- you said you’d do a little cleaning and then hang out with Pierce. He came over around 3pm; you could have asked him to help for 20 minutes so confrontations don’t occur.
The simplest way to put (roomate 1) and I’s recent feelings toward you is this: we miss the old Chelsey. The Chelsey I asked to be my bridesmaid. The fun and goofy Chelsey that would randomly start cleaning something while singing and dancing. We get that you have mental health issues; but, and I’m going to be honest, I have never met anyone who relies on their issues as much as you do as (what really feels like) an excuse to not do stuff.
(Roomate1) and I have mental health issues too. He has anger control problems, PTSD, emotional dissociation, social claustrophobia/anxiety, in addition to all his physical problems like Crohn’s, high blood pressure, etc
I have generalized anxiety and major depressive disorder, PTSD, major trust issues and abandonment issues, as well as suicidal ideations. But do you see us ever really say that we can’t do something that NEEDS to be done because of any of that stuff? No. We do what we have to do. We don’t rely on any of our mental health issues to put us down or make us incapable of doing something because that’s a surefire way to fail.
Life is a bitch, Chelsey. You can’t always expect stuff to be handed to you on a silver platter, because (again, honesty) that’s exactly how you act most days.
We still like you, we still want you to live with us, and we still want you in the wedding. But we want the old Chelsey back, because we feel like we can’t help you grow or improve yourself with the way things have been recently. We want you to succeed in life."

This was sent after I had spent most of the day on the couch and then playing scrabble with pierce. I have had multiple panic attacks in the last week and between my #ChronicFatigue and #Anxiety once I sat down and rested I came to the conclusion that that is what my body and mind needed. I had mentioned to roomate 2 when she asked that my plan for the day was maybe a little cleaning, cleaning the litter boxes, and then playing scrabble. I did not get any cleaning done, nor clean the litter boxes.

#advicewanted #FamilyAndFriends #ImposterSyndrome #hurtandangry #Depression

#hurtandangry How can zi control over sensitivity and hurt feelings.

#hurtandangry How can zi control over sensitivity and hurt feelings.

This morning, I’ve seemed to be full of ‘why’ questions. Many of which I feel don’t have answers. I feel totally frustrated, angry, hopeless, among other things. Why should I hold on to anything if nothing really stays? Why should my life be looked at as valuable if all I feel is invisible in a world full of people? Why do I hold such hope and compassion for people who only care about what they can get out of life for themselves? Why do I create space for people whom I feel don’t care for me as much as I care for them? Why should I keep showing up for people who only care when I’ve stopped coming around? Just... Why? And I keep putting myself through hell every time. Maybe it would be better to close myself off from the world... I’ve become soured by life. I’ve given up looking for signs of good because my heart has been broken enough times while looking for the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow and always finding fool’s gold. My life, among other things, don’t seem to have the importance it once had, and all I want is to vanish into thin air. #Depression #MentalHealth #whybother #why #hurtandangry #frustrated #alienated #questions #angry #Lostmyjoy #hopelessness #isolated #aloneinlife #givingup #Lossofcontrol #ivehadenough

I originally wrote this at 9am today. “So right before i got off work my boss pulled me into the conference room, not a good thing. People evidently been telling her that i’ve got a bad attitude and what not. Not going to lie, last few months i’ve not been in a good place and it is clear that i’m annoyed or frustrated at work. I love my job but at same time i really hate it and basically go to collect a check. This is not a good thing because when i start getting this feeling i start looking for a new job and there is no place that can pay me what i make now. Part of my frustration is today first time i’ve had a real conversation with her in 3 or 4 months. Between death of her father in law, her wedding that was 4 days before her brother in law died she has not been in more than she has to. Add to that the other grave shifter has been out for 2 months for a medical issue so we are down another person so means most days whoever is working grave ends up working half solo. So what do i get in the end? No longer IT person (no big loss) and 6 months to get myself together”. #CheckInWithMe #frustrated #hurtandangry

Went to a Christmas party tonight and I kept having people bump into me-literally. It hurt so much and the loudness and just the feeling of being in a room with so many people started to chip away at my previously good attitude. Soon I was counting down the seconds to go home. Standing in line to get my food and suddenly this old man-whom I do not know-came over to me and hugged me REALLY tight to him and said some rubbish about "Why aren't you smiling?"
With a tight smile I told him "Thanks but I don't like to be hugged" and tried to move away. He pulled me closer and laughed saying "There you go! There is a smile!"
Out of sheer desperation I shoved him away from me. He let go but then he turned to someone beside him and commented on how there were so many people here who weren't friendly.

I was shaking so badly and as soon as he had touched me my Fibromyalgia took over and started to consume me all over. Immediately I took action and left for home.
It took me ALL DAY to prepare myself to go to that party tonight so my family and I could enjoy time together. I was exhausted from getting ready and had tried my best to look much more put together than normal. And then that man ruined it. I am so mad, and hurt, and in even more pain than I should be.

Starting to think I REALLY need to invest in a shirt that says something like "I do NOT do hugs" Or something like 'Don't touch me." But then another part of me fears people will do it even more. Why can't people be more considerate? Just because I look healthy and 'cute' does NOT mean you have the right to touch me and hug me. Trust me, it will NOT be welcomed at all.

#hurtandangry #Fibromyalgia #Arthritis #EhlersDanlosSyndrome #InconsideratePeople #CheckInWithMe #lookbutdonttouch !