Molested

As a 51 year old man and veteran, who has a plethora of memories of abuse, I daily wonder why was I born. My past is a chaos of memories, sisters making out with me when I was just a kid and they were in highschool, to a much older male cousin touching my privates, to an old friend who as me if I wanted to rape his niece. This created hate for offenders, and a pure love for children that I fear the outside world wants to corrupt. I have spent 8 years without a womans touch and have felt rejected and this is while taking care of an 89 year old mom and attending a church. I don't know now that I trust anymore if that church is guiltless of pedophilia. One day a young girl in walmart stood up in her cart and in my peripheral vision I saw that she stripped her pants down. This made me feel like children sensed my concern that I was beautiful to them but that the world was changing. I am in AA now because of feeling suicidal over my private thoughts that are not always pure like they used to be. When I ride my motorcycle and travel and stay somewhere at night, I feel there is dark world of men who want to hurt me for caring because they feel they are in danger from a vigilante. I know from what I have seen out there, dangerous men are box truck and tinted vehicle men, not riders. Not all riders are on the same page though. I rode from NY to Phoenix with burns on me from self infliciton and the burns made me feel stronger. Where is Jesus I asked? 30,000 miles on 3 bikes in a year twice from NY to Phoenix in storms and I have to believe I am alive because God cares.#rejected #onlywantedlove #notthedevil #whohasbeenhere #whywasIborn #whomessedupamerica #Molested

** Trigger Warning **
#Childhoodtrauma
#Molested
#actingout

This part of the artwork follows the time-line, here is the original post which i will elaborate on

"Today was a reminder. No-one should ever B forced 2 do anything against their will ... Grade 1 & 2 was awful 4 me being forced 2 do things no little boy should ever do. i landed living in hell 4 over a year because of a peer

#thisisrealdepression
#fuckdepression
#tryingtoshare "

i heard disturbing news about a kid i knew who was abused. Talk about a trigger point. my only wish i have is that he doesn't fall off the bus as much as i have. i also wish that he gets the help he needs earlier, as he is going to need because he is coming of age where he is about to realize what actually happened to him **This is just part of what a trigger does to me when i hear about someone else who has no idea yet that his innocence is about to be stripped from him.

Back to my series again ... While in an all-boys school, between the ages of 7 & 8, i was repeatedly molested by a classmate during break times & after school in one of the school bathrooms. Still to this day i don't know what the power was he had over me more than likely, oh yeah uncle plays this game so this is normal. 20 odd years later i walked into those bathrooms which are still there & flashbacks, wow. It was a flood as i soon discovered how much my memory locked out while i was walking through out the school & just being flooded with more memories. i think i did a recording of this, but haven't been able to watch it. This kid really fucked us up (sorry about my language, i tend to have a potty mouth) i learnt there were more of us that he had do things to & for himself.

i also recall having my teacher tape me down to a chair, around my wrists, body & over my mouth on several occasions, this was her way of controlling my behavior which would actually be:
• my call for help
• & what i learnt was called acting out
Not even the need to go to the toilet would stop her actions to me which would lead to other name calling & the beginning of the bullying i was subject to at that school. i didn't enjoy any aspect of that school

These school grounds were a pedophiles wet dream with everything going on as flashbacks kept coming back, i remember what a bunch of us did here, & there & everywhere - again acting out. But the teachers, were not looking out for the warning signs that something seriously wrong was happening in the school. So much so that i asked myself, am i a monster too someone else? That is when i learnt about acting out, this allowed me to sleep A BIT easier again. However the teachers would get me onto Ritalin (slow releasing cocaine) my parents has no idea apart from medical diagnosis of ADHD & ADD, & me being a menace for her. Turns out the main suspect's father was abusing him & several others, & this was his way of acting out. Poor dude, poor all of us - all because of one person

✌🏼❤ ... see you on the next episode

** Trigger Warning **
#Childhoodtrauma
#Molested
#DetailedTriggerWarning

i did a social media reveal of my tattoos thanks to a #LightsForChester campaign which was running at the time were Chester Bennington, also a young man who survived molestation who was my hero died by suicide at the pinnacle of his career. But this was just me venting and taking a change expecting torment and i got support instead which i didn't expect - so it started as a small little post and evolved into something larger, as it progressed. i do apologize for the foul language but this is a copy paste and i will then start the true unraveling of what i was going through at the time:

"ARGH!!! It feels like i'm losing my mind - 2 hours ago i was the happiest person & now my mind is out of control ... i feel dirty & just want 2 B alone. FUCK U 4 doing this to me, 4 ruining my world & 4 taking my happiness

#ThisIsRealDepression
#fuckdepression
#TryingToShare "

So here is a deeper dive into that post:

It always starts with a flashback of many years after the damage was done. There were no warning signs by the monster who was trusted by my family, after all family is family - right? Well turns out generally the people who commit these types of offenses are trusted people, people in authority or leaders in the community. The drive to control is a dangerous path and needs to be managed to not become a monster, one of the coping mechanisms of for a young innocent man is to control everything in his life when he is older so that he can protect everyone and everything which he holds dear.

There is a triggering song, but one i like by Dido, Take my hand. But that is where the flashback starts by my step-uncle taking my hand. i was standing by my clothing cupboard, i recall as the sticker on the door i stuck im that very spot when i was 3 - and i was so proud on putting the sticker on the door, but the hand is extended towards me and i take hold of it. i'm lead towards my bed and the rest of this act i will not releave as it will trigger, if not already. What my step-uncle did, had me do, tell me to do and watch me do is sick to the core, and i will never reveal all the details even to the most trained and experienced therapist.

All i know is that that i started getting damaged, my innocence stripped from me, my happiness robbed by this evil monster everytime he was in town which qas between the tender and learning stages of life. It all happened to me between ages 5 and 11 that we can now trace him being in town - a painful process all by itself. my parents are beyond themselves with guilt that they shouldn't have to carry, and i try reminding them that despite everything which happened to me they gave me a brilliant childhood filled with everything a little kids could ask for

Part 2 coming out soon, can part 2 be worse than the Monster Step-Uncle, time will tell ... Till then - Take Care and be Safe out there, and as always sending peace and love✌❤

It didn’t happen,
It couldn’t have.

It didn’t happen,
littles Don’t know what they talk about

It couldn’t happen,
because you said not my Kid!
So you took the chance, gambling my innocence

But it did happen,
From your own fucking brother.

IT SHOULDN’T HAVE HAPPENED
But, He promised you.

Poison sweet toxic and lies, You took his truth
over a little girls lies.

it didn’t happen,
She doesn’t know what she’s talking about.

Silence, Hushhh now..
This is a family secret, don’t tell the world.

A Mighty Clan, A mighty Pack.
Lions of pride, BAND TOGETHER THEY CRY

Until, it’s a little girls lies.

Praise the Matriarch they say.
Matriarchs who breed monster’s

Spread the poison, because it’s the family thing to do.
Stick together, Just like Glue.
because why wouldn’t you.

family black sheep, little wall flower- never saying a peep.
In her mind, Demons creep, waiting for a dark escape.

Never fear, little flower.
I grew In the dark too - I was hushed and silenced.
Nevermore, like the Raven I Cry.

I Wont drink the Lies, and I won’t praise a monster of blood and family Lines.
Your safe with me little flower, in a garden of light.
#Molested #uglyinside #Motherissues #fuckher #Fuckfeelings #hurtandangry #WritingThroughIt