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Do you have trouble sleeping due to flashbacks?

* trigger warning*
As a child I was molested by my best friend’s brother while he thought I was sleeping, it happened serveral nights. I laid there, frozen, not knowing what else to do. To this day I’m still unable to sleep unless my lower body is covered and against a wall and even then I toss and turn all night, scared, on high alert. I even have nightmares frequently where he takes it further. #PTSD #Flashbacks #Molested #Abuse #ChildAbuse #SexualAbuse

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Why was I born - am I loved.

As a 51 year old man and veteran, who has a plethora of memories of abuse, I daily wonder why was I born. My past is a chaos of memories, sisters making out with me when I was just a kid and they were in highschool, to a much older male cousin touching my privates, to an old friend who as me if I wanted to rape his niece. This created hate for offenders, and a pure love for children that I fear the outside world wants to corrupt. I have spent 8 years without a womans touch and have felt rejected and this is while taking care of an 89 year old mom and attending a church. I don't know now that I trust anymore if that church is guiltless of pedophilia. One day a young girl in walmart stood up in her cart and in my peripheral vision I saw that she stripped her pants down. This made me feel like children sensed my concern that I was beautiful to them but that the world was changing. I am in AA now because of feeling suicidal over my private thoughts that are not always pure like they used to be. When I ride my motorcycle and travel and stay somewhere at night, I feel there is dark world of men who want to hurt me for caring because they feel they are in danger from a vigilante. I know from what I have seen out there, dangerous men are box truck and tinted vehicle men, not riders. Not all riders are on the same page though. I rode from NY to Phoenix with burns on me from self infliciton and the burns made me feel stronger. Where is Jesus I asked? 30,000 miles on 3 bikes in a year twice from NY to Phoenix in storms and I have to believe I am alive because God cares.#rejected #onlywantedlove #notthedevil #whohasbeenhere #whywasIborn #whomessedupamerica #Molested


Looking for advice/#familysecrets

I had an extremely hard life. From being homeless as a child to being #Molested as child and #raped at 15. My father molested me as a child for many years and then there were at least 3 #inappropriate situations that happened with my #brother that remember vividly. I did not come to find out that my father had molested my 3 brothers and a cousin until a few years ago. The situation that I am having now is I have been struggling with #Flashbacks and trying to make peace with it all if possible. At the time of the situations with my brother I was elementary school age and he is 15 years older than me. When the molestation came out my sister had gone to my mom regarding my father. My #mom basically threatened my fathers life and kicked him out. Thing is I do not recall when I told her about my brother but I know I was older. My mom made excuses for him and how I look at it gave him a pass. I am not mad at my mom for this even thou I’m guessing I should be a little. My mom is very close with my brother they talk every single day more than once. I love my mom more than anything. We have been through a lot together. Recently my brother had a stroke and I feel terrible about it but for some crazy reason I’ve come to some sort of fight within myself. I have talked to my brother over the years as normally as I could. Since he had the stroke we have not talked. Other than text. My mom keeps telling me to call him. I don’t know why but I just don’t want to call. I also don’t want to get into anything with my mom she’s 87 and there’s no point at her age to cause her to get upset or bring her any more #Stress . My sister passed this year then my brother had a stroke. Sorry this is so long. Anyways do I just call to make my mom happy ? Thing is my brother will l talk and talk keeping me on the phone when I really don’t want to talk to him. I truly am only nice to him because of my mom. Any #Advice on how to approch this situation ?



Does anyone else who has been a victim of SA from a parent think they’ll never recover? Some days I wish I could just have amnesia. #Incestsurvior #Molested #Pain

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chris' Series Part 2

** Trigger Warning **

This part of the artwork follows the time-line, here is the original post which i will elaborate on

"Today was a reminder. No-one should ever B forced 2 do anything against their will ... Grade 1 & 2 was awful 4 me being forced 2 do things no little boy should ever do. i landed living in hell 4 over a year because of a peer

#tryingtoshare "

i heard disturbing news about a kid i knew who was abused. Talk about a trigger point. my only wish i have is that he doesn't fall off the bus as much as i have. i also wish that he gets the help he needs earlier, as he is going to need because he is coming of age where he is about to realize what actually happened to him **This is just part of what a trigger does to me when i hear about someone else who has no idea yet that his innocence is about to be stripped from him.

Back to my series again ... While in an all-boys school, between the ages of 7 & 8, i was repeatedly molested by a classmate during break times & after school in one of the school bathrooms. Still to this day i don't know what the power was he had over me more than likely, oh yeah uncle plays this game so this is normal. 20 odd years later i walked into those bathrooms which are still there & flashbacks, wow. It was a flood as i soon discovered how much my memory locked out while i was walking through out the school & just being flooded with more memories. i think i did a recording of this, but haven't been able to watch it. This kid really fucked us up (sorry about my language, i tend to have a potty mouth) i learnt there were more of us that he had do things to & for himself.

i also recall having my teacher tape me down to a chair, around my wrists, body & over my mouth on several occasions, this was her way of controlling my behavior which would actually be:
• my call for help
• & what i learnt was called acting out
Not even the need to go to the toilet would stop her actions to me which would lead to other name calling & the beginning of the bullying i was subject to at that school. i didn't enjoy any aspect of that school

These school grounds were a pedophiles wet dream with everything going on as flashbacks kept coming back, i remember what a bunch of us did here, & there & everywhere - again acting out. But the teachers, were not looking out for the warning signs that something seriously wrong was happening in the school. So much so that i asked myself, am i a monster too someone else? That is when i learnt about acting out, this allowed me to sleep A BIT easier again. However the teachers would get me onto Ritalin (slow releasing cocaine) my parents has no idea apart from medical diagnosis of ADHD & ADD, & me being a menace for her. Turns out the main suspect's father was abusing him & several others, & this was his way of acting out. Poor dude, poor all of us - all because of one person

✌🏼❤ ... see you on the next episode

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chris' Series Part 1

** Trigger Warning **

i did a social media reveal of my tattoos thanks to a #LightsForChester campaign which was running at the time were Chester Bennington, also a young man who survived molestation who was my hero died by suicide at the pinnacle of his career. But this was just me venting and taking a change expecting torment and i got support instead which i didn't expect - so it started as a small little post and evolved into something larger, as it progressed. i do apologize for the foul language but this is a copy paste and i will then start the true unraveling of what i was going through at the time:

"ARGH!!! It feels like i'm losing my mind - 2 hours ago i was the happiest person & now my mind is out of control ... i feel dirty & just want 2 B alone. FUCK U 4 doing this to me, 4 ruining my world & 4 taking my happiness

#TryingToShare "

So here is a deeper dive into that post:

It always starts with a flashback of many years after the damage was done. There were no warning signs by the monster who was trusted by my family, after all family is family - right? Well turns out generally the people who commit these types of offenses are trusted people, people in authority or leaders in the community. The drive to control is a dangerous path and needs to be managed to not become a monster, one of the coping mechanisms of for a young innocent man is to control everything in his life when he is older so that he can protect everyone and everything which he holds dear.

There is a triggering song, but one i like by Dido, Take my hand. But that is where the flashback starts by my step-uncle taking my hand. i was standing by my clothing cupboard, i recall as the sticker on the door i stuck im that very spot when i was 3 - and i was so proud on putting the sticker on the door, but the hand is extended towards me and i take hold of it. i'm lead towards my bed and the rest of this act i will not releave as it will trigger, if not already. What my step-uncle did, had me do, tell me to do and watch me do is sick to the core, and i will never reveal all the details even to the most trained and experienced therapist.

All i know is that that i started getting damaged, my innocence stripped from me, my happiness robbed by this evil monster everytime he was in town which qas between the tender and learning stages of life. It all happened to me between ages 5 and 11 that we can now trace him being in town - a painful process all by itself. my parents are beyond themselves with guilt that they shouldn't have to carry, and i try reminding them that despite everything which happened to me they gave me a brilliant childhood filled with everything a little kids could ask for

Part 2 coming out soon, can part 2 be worse than the Monster Step-Uncle, time will tell ... Till then - Take Care and be Safe out there, and as always sending peace and love✌❤


These past few days I've been thinking a lot my bad experience when I was young...I was around maybe 8-10y/o? Really not sure.. anyway so this how it goes...

When I was that age I usually go out and go to my cousins house to play..we usually watched Tom & Jerry on their living room.. all I can remember from this is that one or maybe 4 or 5 (really can't remember how many times)...their father would call me to sit on his lap..ofc I am just a child so I would go to sit since I know he is my uncle..then I remembered how he will put one of my hand inside his blue checkered boxer shorts (I have memories of some things, we all do as a child right) and he will hold me and guide me on how I should touch it...then he will put his hands inside mine and will play on it (Ofc I already know what it was all called now I am 23y/o) Since I'm very young that time I really don't have any idea what he's doing on me, if it's right or wrong #Pleasedontjudgeme I really forgot how many times it happens but as I grew up and I am finally getting into my senses and knowing already what's right or wrong then there's the last time where he did that to me and I when I got home as I'm taking a bath, I want to cry and thinking what have I done, I am afraid of how my aunt will react to what his husband did to me and she's a PWD that I am concern also. So I didn't tell anybody..I didn't tell my parents because I'm afraid of any trouble or whatever between our families... I just never go back to their house and play with my cousins anymore..

As time goes by, ofc I am forgetting it even just for awhile... but everytime I'm seeing him I always begin to think if he remembered what he did to me..Thinking if I should tell my mom..but I just always try to disregard it... then these past few days we usually sit outside their house with other cousins to talk and you know just a bonding time..I know that he's not there cuz of work so it'll be okay with me but there's a time I can see him there so it affects me again..especially now that I know what he did to me was wrong and he abuse my innocent mind. But I still don't know if I should open up to my mom, still I don't want to cause any trouble or any problem between our families especially I know that he has 2 daughters now and I feel pity on my aunt that's PWD.. :(((( #SexualAbuse #Molested #ChildAbuse

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It did.

It didn’t happen,
It couldn’t have.

It didn’t happen,
littles Don’t know what they talk about

It couldn’t happen,
because you said not my Kid!
So you took the chance, gambling my innocence

But it did happen,
From your own fucking brother.

But, He promised you.

Poison sweet toxic and lies, You took his truth
over a little girls lies.

it didn’t happen,
She doesn’t know what she’s talking about.

Silence, Hushhh now..
This is a family secret, don’t tell the world.

A Mighty Clan, A mighty Pack.

Until, it’s a little girls lies.

Praise the Matriarch they say.
Matriarchs who breed monster’s

Spread the poison, because it’s the family thing to do.
Stick together, Just like Glue.
because why wouldn’t you.

family black sheep, little wall flower- never saying a peep.
In her mind, Demons creep, waiting for a dark escape.

Never fear, little flower.
I grew In the dark too - I was hushed and silenced.
Nevermore, like the Raven I Cry.

I Wont drink the Lies, and I won’t praise a monster of blood and family Lines.
Your safe with me little flower, in a garden of light.
#Molested #uglyinside #Motherissues #fuckher #Fuckfeelings #hurtandangry #WritingThroughIt


Bad dreams about abuse

I was sexually abused by my Dad, and I finally accepted it recently. I discovered sexual photos of a girl he tutors on his phone. I had to report him and he is no longer a part of my life. It has traumatized me so bad, and I constantly have nightmares of my Dad. I can’t stop thinking of him touching me. The thoughts just come and the anger grows. I think about cutting myself sometimes. I don’t know how I can have a normal and happy life. It doesn’t seem possible for me.
I’m trying very hard. Some days are better then others. I feel like damaged goods sometimes too, and that no man would ever date me. People wonder why I’m still a Virgin and that’s why. I even have a hard time kissing men too. Sorry if this is dark, I needed to express how I feel.
#SexualAbuse #Depression #Trauma #Molested
#Flashbacks #PTSD