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Slowly Realizing I'm not OK

I was raped by my half brother when I was very young (4 to 5 years old). My parents say that they sent him away and that he served time in juvenile detention in FL. But did they actually do that? Or did they just send him to live with his Mom? I don't know. was something my family didn't really talk about. I have vague memories of it and for the longest time thought I had just been molested. I figured out I was raped when I tried using a tampon at 15. I wasn't in therapy when I was younger because my mom didn't like the therapist (that's what she told me). After college, my parents received a letter from my rapist and asked me if I wanted to read it. They respected my "no", but I wish they hadn't told me he reached out. I feel betrayed because they and my siblings read the letter. I'm so angry at them, but have bottled it all up and directed it inward. This is all complicated by the fact that my mom died 3 years ago, so I can't confront her. I'm not comfortable talking to my Dad about it because that's not the kind of relationship we have. #Undiagnosed #Rape #imnotok


Black Clouds

I've dealt with storms on the horizon before. I've learned to see and predict when they are coming better. But lately, they don't seem to go away. They've stopped. Right above my head. Pouring a cold rain on me that only I can feel. Other days it's lightning and thunderclaps that only I can hear. It's a tornado ready touch down, that only I can see.

I want to cry out for help, to warn others of the dangerous path they've placed themselves in, merely by being near me. But instead all that I can do is shrug, and try to smile, at the few who bother to ask if I'm ok, and say 'I'm fine, just tired. Don't have much to say. Really.'

And I watch over their shoulder as the tornado recedes, for that moment. The lightning bolt barely misses their body, the rain diverts around them. Because if I were to tell them what storm was truly happening in my head, my heart, my body, they too would be in its path. And I can't do that to anyone. #Depression

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Welcome to my everyday life #PTSD #Depression #PanicAttack #psuedoseizure #SeizureDisorder #notalone #Hope

I just had a seizure the yesterday in a Walmart parking lot beside my car with my three year old and three month old in the alone. Here what’s been happening lately...
Sometimes when I’m here physically I’m really not mentally or spiritually here...
sometimes reality and time seem nonexistent...
sometimes the thought of time and reality scare me when I’m in the state I am in...
this was the best way I could express how it feels like being me most of the time...
I don’t like it. I hate it. I hate that I become so numb to everything, thoughts, feelings, emotions, touching, talking... it all seems like to much to handle. I want to sit in a room with nothing but a notebook and a pencil and never stop drawing the things I think about, the things I feel.
The thought of even doing that makes me feel like the world is watching me...
I just want it all to stop. I want to be normal... but I guess this is as normal as I will ever be... and I just have to live and be ok with...
For now... I’ll keep my hope in brighter days to come... ⛅️🌟❤️ #CPTSD #PsychogenicNonepilepticSeizures #imnotok

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The Thoughts Never End

I don't know how to get out of it... I'm not planning on taking my life, but the thoughts are always there. It's been 6 years since I was hospitalized for trying to take my own life, and yet I still think about it. I'm not proud of what I've done, the pain I caused for everyone who loves me.

Every day I hear this voice inside telling me that it's ok to just let go. It frightens me to think that I might make the same mistake again, but that I would succeed this time. My meds do help but not 100%. I guess it will never be all ok. I've learnt to deal with it but some days are just too much.

I can't speak to my close friends or family about how I feel as they will immediately assume the worst and I don't have the energy to deal with it right now.

I apologise for this negative post but I really need to speak to someone about it.



Change in the Winds

I think it's time that I go with the inner shift in my mindset and do something different. Unfortunately, all I want to do now is to kill off my heart, destroy my feelings, and to not allow myself to feel again. I feel like doing everyone a favour and leave without a trace. I no longer want to feel love. I don't know how I could ever help anyone in this world. I don't know why they would need me in the first place. I feel so worthless... I try to endure it all, but I implode every time. My mind seems to be winning every battle thus far. I don't stand a chance against those who seem to be winning the game of life. I seem to fall harder and faster as everyone moves upward. I don't know what I'm doing anymore, I'm feeling everything so much... just let me die. #MentalHealth #Depression #cryforhelp #imnotok #NotOK #idontwantodothisanymore #Crying #Screaming #Screaminginside #letmedie

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Hard to Stay Happy

Happiness for me doesn’t last for very long. I have this burst of happy that feels amazing, and then it’s gone, I feel empty all over again. I have been a little anxious for the last couple of days as well. My mom has been making it her mission to make sure I’m ok and I appreciate her for that. I find that sometimes I want to scream to the world:”HEY! I’M NOT OK!! MY MENTAL HEALTH SUCKS! I’M ON MEDS! I SMILE WHEN I’M WITH YOU ALL, BUT I’LL BE CRYING MY EYES OUT WHEN I’M ALONE! LATELY, I’VE BEEN HAVING IDEATIONS EVERY FEW DAYS!”, among other things. I know that’s a lot for many people and can even be deemed too intense, but it’s true. I’m tired of keeping this to myself. I’m not ashamed of my declining mental health nor do I think of it as my “dirty secret “. I know that not everyone will be understanding of the facts. I’m just over the monotony at this point. #MentalHealth #Depression #Sadness #Emptiness #imnotok #Anxiety #Lifesucks


Check in with me!!! #imnotok

I received a call this morning from my sister. She never calls me. She called me to tell me her retired support dog drowned in our parents pool this morning. I immediately burts into tears. And was completely beside myself that I had to leave work. All I can think about right now is Athena and how she suffered such a tragic death and that she didn’t deserve to die that way. My parents 100% blame themselves and we don’t exactly know what happened as to why she fell into the pool and drowned. She was almost about 16 years old and was going blind and developing dementia. Anyways, I’m devastated and having a hard time coping and processing. #imnotok #dogsarefamily

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It’s 3:11 #imnotok

I’m just so depressed it physically hurts, I try to get out of bed and it takes everything in me i don’t wanna be around people I don’t wanna see people and i don’t even know if I wanna talk to anyone


New kid on the Block

Hey everyone. I’m new here . I’ve had diagnosed anxiety for about 13 years. I’ve been having trouble the last few months. My medication that I was on for about 8 years stopped working so we’re trying to find a new one and the right dose. It’s been a serious challenge. I thankfully have a very good support system, but sometimes that’s not enough. With all that’s been going on in the world, how are you all handling it? I was doing fine, but suddenly all the news and fear has become too much for me. I don’t know what to do.
#Anxiety #imnew #imnotok

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IT SUCKS #Loneliness #Depression #Anxiety

Im done with everything. Im not ok with anything. Im depressed 24 7. If someone asks reason I dont know. Thoughts are racing in my mind. #imnotok