Incest

I had depression for 4 days. It started in therapy because we were talking about trauma. I still feel shame about it. I still remember the threat he said to me if I told. I cried myself to sleep that night. I got 3 hours of sleep that night. My depression continued but I still went to the museum with my mom but I was on the verge of tears because my mom is older and I am afraid of losing her. I decided to enjoy the glimmers in my apartment. The beautiful candles I put on, a hot shower and my hot chocolate. I just cozy up with my blanket. I even reached out I’m shocked I did that. Friday same depression but glimmers and self care helped me get through. Saturday was bad I had paranoid and delusional thoughts about someone in my group was trying to have me replaced as an admin and it wasn’t true. Sunday was less of depression but I didn’t sleep at all so my mood is elevated. I just focus on self care, gratitude and self compassion to help me through

We have a ranch house with 2 bedrooms on the main floor. Whenever I have virtual therapy I tend to look at one of the bedrooms and I see a flashback of my abuser in the bedroom. It’s part of my psychotic features. I was crying in therapy cause he saw me #Hallucinations . I decided to close the bedroom door now I’m having #Flashbacks of him behind the door where I can see his shoes. This happened when my mom took me in her bedroom and asked if he was doing anything to me. I know he isn’t there but 8 yr old me says he is. The abuse never took place in this house. Welcome to #PTSD

On Tuesday it dawned on me that I didn’t remember the ages 9-11 years old. I know I was abused by my brother at 8. A huge gap is blocked. My therapist said I dissociated during that time. I don’t even remember fall or winter. I know the abuse started at 8 and it was in spring and summer. The rest I can’t remember. Trauma therapy and exposure therapy can open your eyes to make you think. I started to cry a little bit then stop. My therapist said its ok to cry. I said crying isn’t safe (trauma response). I know it needs to come out but its gonna take time. He wants our therapy to be in person which is fine with me there is a Starbucks across the street. He said we do it either way

Is incest considered sexual abuse? At 4/5 my slightly older sister started an incestual relationship with me (male). She was being molested by a baby sitter.in that time i was both a victim and then an initiator. It didnt happen after that time frame. But it opened doors too early and a sick sexual existance proceeded out of that and the sexually perverse house i grew uo in there.
#Incest

When the woman’s self defense ended it’s 12 wk course. I was asked to take karate classes. I had 2 private lessons from a amazing instructor. I sparred with him punches, kicks and take down. We did grappling( jujitsu) showed me moves that I didn’t know I was capable of doing. I’m now a brown belt. My #PTSD flashbacks appeared while sparring and I stormed off and hid in the locker room. He was trying to coax me out of there. I eventually came out and told him about my #SexualAbuse #Incest that my brother did to me . He hugged me so tight. But that didn’t stop me from taking karate. This all took place 30 yrs ago. I still remember what I was taught but I pray I will never have to use it #Selfcare #MajorDepressiveDisorder #PTSD #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder

So, had hard day. So much negativity towards me from my mom. I got up and took a walk with my sons girlfriend. I don’t need fucking negativity in my life. I don’t even watch the news because of it. I’m thinking about my childhood I don’t remember ever finding joy or having enthusiasm. I remember stuttering whenever my dad would raise his voice or yell. Later to find out that’s part of #AnxietyAttack . I remember to laying in bed at 5 afraid to go to sleep because I was afraid of dying or afraid my parents were going to die again #Anxiety . My whole life was abuse from 8-12 #SexualAbuse /#Incest . Later on met my X husband #EmotionalAbuse . I’m done venting #MajorDepressiveDisorder #PTSD #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorde