Incest

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My walk #MajorDepressiveDisorder #PTSD #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #Incest

I’m still having #Anxiety and PTSD from the bedroom door. I let my therapist know about it and we are having a virtual session tomorrow. I went walking and got my Starbucks. On my way home my son and I were texting so that was a good distraction.

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The closed door #Incest #MajorDepressiveDisorder #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #PTSD / #dissociations #psyctoticfeatures

We have a ranch house with 2 bedrooms on the main floor. Whenever I have virtual therapy I tend to look at one of the bedrooms and I see a flashback of my abuser in the bedroom. It’s part of my psychotic features. I was crying in therapy cause he saw me #Hallucinations . I decided to close the bedroom door now I’m having #Flashbacks of him behind the door where I can see his shoes. This happened when my mom took me in her bedroom and asked if he was doing anything to me. I know he isn’t there but 8 yr old me says he is. The abuse never took place in this house. Welcome to #PTSD

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Therapy yesterday #PTSD #Bipolar2 #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #Incest

On Tuesday it dawned on me that I didn’t remember the ages 9-11 years old. I know I was abused by my brother at 8. A huge gap is blocked. My therapist said I dissociated during that time. I don’t even remember fall or winter. I know the abuse started at 8 and it was in spring and summer. The rest I can’t remember. Trauma therapy and exposure therapy can open your eyes to make you think. I started to cry a little bit then stop. My therapist said its ok to cry. I said crying isn’t safe (trauma response). I know it needs to come out but its gonna take time. He wants our therapy to be in person which is fine with me there is a Starbucks across the street. He said we do it either way

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weight whore

I am at my heaviest weight I have ever been. I suffered through anorexia in my teens and early 20’s and had to have two blood transfusions at 21. During my during my healing, I was diagnosed with bipolar 1 disorder. I am a survivor of incest, rape, physical and sexual violence, and extreme bullying. I relied on drugs and alcohol in my younger years due to this, which, in turn attributed to my illness. My medication caused extreme weight gain. I went from the skinniest I had ever been to the heaviest I have ever been in the matter of less than two years. Going from one extreme to the next was extremely depressing. My boyfriend says he loves me just the way I am. I’m learning to believe him. #Bipolar1 #BipolarDepression #Incest #Rape #SexualViolence #SexualAssault #Anorexia #EatingDisorder #EatingDisorderRecovery

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the price of pretty

If I stopped to think about all the men that have taken advantage and abused me sexually, physically, mentally, and emotionally…I would cry forever. #Abuse #SexualAssault #Incest #RapeSurvivors #Survivor of rape and or molestation #DomesticViolence #PTSD #SexualViolence #Shame

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forever young

I turn 29 in about a month and I’ve never felt younger. I guess all my time in my twenties spent inside and going to bed early really paid off well. Learning to accept myself as I am, mental illness and all. My chemical imbalance stems from extreme childhood and adult sexual abuse and drug use (that developed after said abuse) I am not weak because I take medication, I take medication because I am too strong for this world to handle. I do not have social media to drag me down. I attribute my young looks to the fact that I don’t partake in trashing others. Kindness is karma. If you live your life free of hate you will be forever young. #SexualAssault #PsychiatricSurvivor #childlike #SexualAbuse #Incest #Bipolar1Disorder #ddlg

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Waters are muddied

Is incest considered sexual abuse? At 4/5 my slightly older sister started an incestual relationship with me (male). She was being molested by a baby sitter.in that time i was both a victim and then an initiator. It didnt happen after that time frame. But it opened doors too early and a sick sexual existance proceeded out of that and the sexually perverse house i grew uo in there.
#Incest

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Karate

When the woman’s self defense ended it’s 12 wk course. I was asked to take karate classes. I had 2 private lessons from a amazing instructor. I sparred with him punches, kicks and take down. We did grappling( jujitsu) showed me moves that I didn’t know I was capable of doing. I’m now a brown belt. My #PTSD flashbacks appeared while sparring and I stormed off and hid in the locker room. He was trying to coax me out of there. I eventually came out and told him about my #SexualAbuse #Incest that my brother did to me . He hugged me so tight. But that didn’t stop me from taking karate. This all took place 30 yrs ago. I still remember what I was taught but I pray I will never have to use it #Selfcare #MajorDepressiveDisorder #PTSD #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder

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#depressionsucks

So, had hard day. So much negativity towards me from my mom. I got up and took a walk with my sons girlfriend. I don’t need fucking negativity in my life. I don’t even watch the news because of it. I’m thinking about my childhood I don’t remember ever finding joy or having enthusiasm. I remember stuttering whenever my dad would raise his voice or yell. Later to find out that’s part of #AnxietyAttack . I remember to laying in bed at 5 afraid to go to sleep because I was afraid of dying or afraid my parents were going to die again #Anxiety . My whole life was abuse from 8-12 #SexualAbuse /#Incest . Later on met my X husband #EmotionalAbuse . I’m done venting #MajorDepressiveDisorder #PTSD #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorde

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How do I calm down? #DV #Bipolar #BPD #PTSD #Incest survivor #Depression #panic attacks #Anxiety

So I am at DV shelter and for the last two days another client in the house has seemingly singled me out to abuse?! I think she's on speed or something too? So she is screaming and yelling at me calling me names etc and the staff at shelter felt that I should go in my room? I am capable 100% of not talking to or being around that person! She just will not leave me alone? After having another attack from her maybe an hour passed by and she started talking to me like we were old friends asking me what time I had to work today? I at first didn't respond after 4 more times I just said I don't wanna talk to you and then she starts right back in on me!? Telling me she wants me kicked out and that I don't follow the rules just not making any sense?!? So my question is how the heck do I not think about it and go about my day?! I left the shelter very early so I could avoid that person entirely but I feel unsafe unprotected and I feel like I am allowing this person to run me off?! Its just that in the past due to my anti social bpd ways I can be violent after all the abuse I have been handed I guess I have used that to get my way?! Just the way my abusers always have? So I don't trust that I will be able to control myself I am so angry I haven't slept or showed or kept my appts today I'm sitting in my car in front of a friend's house bawling!!! How an this be happening and how do I make it stop!!! Do I just run or get a ppo?? The thing is I am moving out in less than a week and have great things a new apt job to look forward to but I am jot handling this drama well at all!! I'm trying not to beat myself up but I am mad that she is getting to me! I feel like I am being mistreated all over again!! I cry more when I am mad than ever! I dislike crying very much! What really bothers me is missing everything work! physical therapy! I just can't do it!! Staff at shelter told me to just let it go dont let it bother you so much?! Which made me more mad!!! If I fuck this up before the shelter helps me move out I will lose all of the household items and furniture the shelter is providing me and all of my transition help from them as well?! That cannot happen!!! Well fuck!! Not sure what I am gonna do now but I do know that I am taking my meds now! Help and please don't say just let it go!?!? Please?

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