Incest

On Tuesday it dawned on me that I didn’t remember the ages 9-11 years old. I know I was abused by my brother at 8. A huge gap is blocked. My therapist said I dissociated during that time. I don’t even remember fall or winter. I know the abuse started at 8 and it was in spring and summer. The rest I can’t remember. Trauma therapy and exposure therapy can open your eyes to make you think. I started to cry a little bit then stop. My therapist said its ok to cry. I said crying isn’t safe (trauma response). I know it needs to come out but its gonna take time. He wants our therapy to be in person which is fine with me there is a Starbucks across the street. He said we do it either way

Is incest considered sexual abuse? At 4/5 my slightly older sister started an incestual relationship with me (male). She was being molested by a baby sitter.in that time i was both a victim and then an initiator. It didnt happen after that time frame. But it opened doors too early and a sick sexual existance proceeded out of that and the sexually perverse house i grew uo in there.
#Incest

When the woman’s self defense ended it’s 12 wk course. I was asked to take karate classes. I had 2 private lessons from a amazing instructor. I sparred with him punches, kicks and take down. We did grappling( jujitsu) showed me moves that I didn’t know I was capable of doing. I’m now a brown belt. My #PTSD flashbacks appeared while sparring and I stormed off and hid in the locker room. He was trying to coax me out of there. I eventually came out and told him about my #SexualAbuse #Incest that my brother did to me . He hugged me so tight. But that didn’t stop me from taking karate. This all took place 30 yrs ago. I still remember what I was taught but I pray I will never have to use it #Selfcare #MajorDepressiveDisorder #PTSD #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder

So, had hard day. So much negativity towards me from my mom. I got up and took a walk with my sons girlfriend. I don’t need fucking negativity in my life. I don’t even watch the news because of it. I’m thinking about my childhood I don’t remember ever finding joy or having enthusiasm. I remember stuttering whenever my dad would raise his voice or yell. Later to find out that’s part of #AnxietyAttack . I remember to laying in bed at 5 afraid to go to sleep because I was afraid of dying or afraid my parents were going to die again #Anxiety . My whole life was abuse from 8-12 #SexualAbuse /#Incest . Later on met my X husband #EmotionalAbuse . I’m done venting #MajorDepressiveDisorder #PTSD #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorde

So I am at DV shelter and for the last two days another client in the house has seemingly singled me out to abuse?! I think she's on speed or something too? So she is screaming and yelling at me calling me names etc and the staff at shelter felt that I should go in my room? I am capable 100% of not talking to or being around that person! She just will not leave me alone? After having another attack from her maybe an hour passed by and she started talking to me like we were old friends asking me what time I had to work today? I at first didn't respond after 4 more times I just said I don't wanna talk to you and then she starts right back in on me!? Telling me she wants me kicked out and that I don't follow the rules just not making any sense?!? So my question is how the heck do I not think about it and go about my day?! I left the shelter very early so I could avoid that person entirely but I feel unsafe unprotected and I feel like I am allowing this person to run me off?! Its just that in the past due to my anti social bpd ways I can be violent after all the abuse I have been handed I guess I have used that to get my way?! Just the way my abusers always have? So I don't trust that I will be able to control myself I am so angry I haven't slept or showed or kept my appts today I'm sitting in my car in front of a friend's house bawling!!! How an this be happening and how do I make it stop!!! Do I just run or get a ppo?? The thing is I am moving out in less than a week and have great things a new apt job to look forward to but I am jot handling this drama well at all!! I'm trying not to beat myself up but I am mad that she is getting to me! I feel like I am being mistreated all over again!! I cry more when I am mad than ever! I dislike crying very much! What really bothers me is missing everything work! physical therapy! I just can't do it!! Staff at shelter told me to just let it go dont let it bother you so much?! Which made me more mad!!! If I fuck this up before the shelter helps me move out I will lose all of the household items and furniture the shelter is providing me and all of my transition help from them as well?! That cannot happen!!! Well fuck!! Not sure what I am gonna do now but I do know that I am taking my meds now! Help and please don't say just let it go!?!? Please?

Can’t sleep. It’s Father’s Day which means reliving some past traumas revolving around my dad. Husband is so helpful and understanding but now he’s asleep too and I’m feeling very much alone. Afraid to sleep and dream of things that hurt that I can’t control. Nighttime always brings it on like this and today so much more than others.

If anyone is up and would like to connect I could use the friendship right now. There’s got to be someone else out there who is having a hard day today…. Just super triggering for me. I will be surprised if I get any sleep tonight.

#RapeSurvivors #Insomnia #PTSD #Incest