openup

The other night at work, my coworker and I were talking about all that’s been happening in the world and it ended up with the subject of our mental well-being. He allowed me to tell him my whole rundown of the last few months of what’s been going on with me and it lead to a nice conversation. He opened up too about his past experiences with wanting to have someone who could be a listening ear and because of his experiences, it made him want to be of assistance to anyone who felt like they didn’t matter or no longer wanted to be alive. It was a total relief to talk about it because all of this has been sitting inside me while I’m at work and all they’ve seen is me being happy and jovial, but when I leave from there, sometimes I implode in the worst way. I have another coworker whom I’m forever in an emotional push and pull. I like the guy, but there are times that I have quickly devalued him because of the things he has done. I’ve even had moments when I’ve hated him when earlier I had admired him. He is a good person, but I find that I want to push him away sometimes. I’ve even been praying to avoid him most times, but he seems to be popping up more than before. We use to talk a lot, but when he started hanging out with the others, I would see him less and less. He didn’t say much to me for a while. And that put me in a tailspin because I felt like I had been abandoned by him. I don’t expect anything to come out of this at all, and even now, I’ll try to avoid him and he’s there either staring in my direction or he has something to say. I know that I can’t handle anything serious with my poor mental health and for that, I feel like I would only bring another person hell if they ever got close enough. #MentalHealth #MentalHealthAwareness #Depression #devalue #Admire #Relationships #relationshipsarehard #openup #Openingup #openingupfinally #pushingpeopleaway #Feelingabandoned #ImListening

The highest issue I have surrounding my mental health is actually letting people in. I struggle to open up to pretty much everyone. Usually it’s out of fear of being hurt or the person abandoning me. I have this default defence of pushing people away. It’s ruined relationships and friendships. I’m my own worst enemy and I don’t know how to fix it. Maybe I’m just born to be broken 🙄
#Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #BPDDiagnosis #Anxiety #openup

Another day feeling that I’m nobody, that I have wasted my life and there is nothing that I can do to fix it. But when others describe my life it seems this amazing story that I’m not able to see because in reality that life is the mask that I have been able to put on for others not to see the darkness behind it. But 2 weeks ago the sadness and the negative thoughts were able to control me to the point that I was feeling dizzy. It felt exactly the same way as a boxer being trap at the corner almost to fall down on his knees. That day I went to the doctor, and I couldn’t hold it anymore, my tears and broken phrases coming out of my mouth made clear for her that I’m dealing with depression.
#CheerMeOn #Depression #openup

I told my mom that me picking the skin around my fingernails isn't a habit and that it's a disorder. I felt good that I was able to tell her about it casually through a conversation. I was scared before, thinking about what they would think of me or that they would just resent it. I haven't told my father yet as I assume he'll tell me to stop it and get disciplined and all, but yes that was my first step. I hope things go further slowly. I told my mom that the only solution for me is to see a therapist. We didn't talk further about it. Let's see. I hope things go fine. It's related to OCD.

#OCD #excoriation #dermotillamaina #skinpicking