OSTD

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I feel like I’m not actually okay. Days can go great until one little thing happens. I was just crying five minutes ago because the bank me and my mom share took away the $25 I just transferred because there was already a negative balance that I was unaware of until now, and now I don’t have enough money to get what I planned to buy. It’s like if almost anything I plan doesn’t go the way I planned, I get very upset.

Crying is very normal and typical for me (I’m non-binary… idk, I just don’t want an assumption to be made that crying is a more “feminine” thing), but it seems like I’m just… crying for very little reasons these days. I mean, I do normally tend to get upset when things don’t go as planned and cry sometimes, but now I’m just.. crying more than usual throughout these recent years. But why? Is it because I just despise being out of routine or despise things I plan to do not going the way I wanted to? Is it because I’m just so sick of how the world has been lately and has been making me more impatient towards things? Is it because of my hormones being unbalanced? It might be all of these things.

I do see a therapist, but I just.. idk. Just writing my thoughts out here.

#MyAutismIsNotADisorder #MyAutismIsNotADisability #MentalHealth #AutismSpectrum #Autistic #Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #OSTD #OtherSpecifiedTraumaDisorder #moodswings #Neurodiversity

(Edit: Maybe the Mighty mobile app is just buggy for me, so sorry if this doesn’t seem right. I’ve had a tough day.)
I don’t get it. I wasn’t breaking any rules. I wasn’t looking for attention. This just feels straight up invalidating especially at times when I need to reach out to here the most. I’m starting to wonder if anyone actually cares…

What I wrote
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I feel like I’m such a mess. Some days I genuinely fear of dying it scares me, some days are great, and then there are days like today where I almost self-harmed and thought of killing myself. I have such big mood swings sometimes that it’s not even funny. It’s so fucking hard no matter how much I fucking try to ground myself. What and how the hell am I supposed to control this? I do see a therapist, and I’m on meds, but what the fuck? 😢

#MyAutismIsNotADisorder #MyAutismIsNotADisability #MentalHealth #Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #OSTD #OtherSpecifiedTraumaDisorder #AutismSpectrum #SuicidalIdeation #SuicidalThoughts #Selfharm #SuicideAttemptSurvivors #triggerwarning

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I feel like I’m such a fucking mess. One day I have a genuine fear of dying that it scares me, some days are great, and then there’s some days like today where I almost self-harmed and genuinely thought about killing myself whenever things went so wrong or out of routine. I have such big mood swings sometimes that it’s not even funny. What the hell and how the hell am I supposed to control this? It’s extremely hard for me to do it by myself no matter how fucking hard I fucking try. I do see a therapist, and I’m on meds, but… what the fuck? 😢

#MyAutismIsNotADisorder #MyAutismIsNotADisability #Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #OSTD #OtherSpecifiedTraumaDisorder #moodswings #SuicidalIdeation #SuicidalThoughts #Selfharm

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I just had a freaking creepy nightmare and now I’m hesitant to go back to sleep. I wish sleep wasn’t a necessity. I feel like wanting to die.

I just upped my sleep medication to 2 pills instead of one right now because I’m so fucking tired of this. If this doesn’t work, perhaps I really should end my life. I can’t take anymore of this. The stress dreams have been way too fucking constant lately, and we have yet found out exactly why. Even I’ve gotten over my stressors at times and many days have been great, yet I still get them. It wasn’t like this before!!! 😢😡

Also, I really wish that there was a dark mode for the Mighty app. I’m a big dark mode user and I often have to dim my screen to the lowest brightness setting just to write on here. Just a feature suggestion!

#MyAutismIsNotADisorder #MyAutismIsNotADisability #AutismSpectrum #Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #OSTD #OtherSpecifiedTraumaDisorder #SuicidalIdeation #SuicidalThoughts #SuicideAttemptSurvivors #Trauma #StressDreams #dreams #Nightmares

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And not just because of that horrendous president. Everything costs so high these days, and more and more online programs are forcing us to pay for subscriptions and locking actual useful shit behind a paywall. What happened to stopping poverty?! We’re not made of money!! They’re only just making things worse…… even private and secure mail services like Mailfence.

And now I’m wondering about ending my life again. I’m just… so fucking sick of this shit. I’ve lost all faith in the US, and I hate being American. I’m sick of all of this talk about money and inflation, I’m sick of this president (why the fuck was he elected twice?!), I’m sick of feeling so ignored in this damn cruel world, I’m sick of this damn pain… I don’t want to be in a world that treats everyone and especially minorities so harshly…

#MyAutismIsNotADisorder #MyAutismIsNotADisability #Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #OSTD #OtherSpecifiedTraumaDisorder #SuicidalIdeation #SuicidalThoughts #SuicideAttemptSurvivors #FeelingKindOfHopeless

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How the fuck do I go back and forth between “I really don’t want to die” and genuinely fearing death even though I’m 23 years old to wondering if I should’ve just been dead already?? Is positivity and negativity within me just a constant battle? Likely very much so. 😒

#MyAutismIsNotADisorder #MyAutismIsNotADisability #Autistic #AutismSpectrum #Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #Trauma #OSTD #OtherSpecifiedTraumaDisorder #SuicidalIdeation #SuicidalThoughts #SuicideAttemptSurvivors

Last post for context: What do I do…?? | TW mentions of stress dreams and one swear

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I’ve moved out of where I used to live with my mom and one of my older sisters (has 3 kids now) 2 years ago. I think because it’s summer break for my 2 older nephews, I’m now getting a lot more stress dreams related to my mom and my older sister (my mom was the persecutor of emotional abuse, and I never liked my sister since she’s similar and agrees with her often).

I dropped out of high school after sophomore year many years ago because of being constantly overstimulated and high levels of stress and meltdowns I’ve had over there (especially when constantly trying to get the best grades in a very unnecessarily strict school, horrible place for autistic individuals like me!!). After that, I’ve noticed that more stressful dreams came up after that and it was almost everyday that I’ve gotten them at that point. Now, for that theme, it isn’t too much, usually 1to 3 times a week.

Now, I’m getting these stress dreams related to my mom and older sister constantly ever since late June. Before then, it was a mix of dreams of school and mom and sister for 1 to 3 times a week. Even when I’ve had great days, nothing has changed, not even yesterday. If I’m right, these dreams may last until late August when my 2 older nephews go back to school again. I really fucking hope not, I can only carry so much. I really don’t want them to fucking last for that long, I hate getting them and I don’t want to fucking deal with them anymore. I’m sick of it. How the fuck as I supposed to look forward to sleep now?!

I worry that if this continues for longer, I’m going to start feeling suicidal again. I can already feel that happening as I’m already fucking sick of these dreams every fucking day (there had been like 2 or 3 days where I didn’t had them, not consecutively, either). Why do I even have to fucking deal with this? Why did my early life had to be like this?!

#OSTD #OtherSpecifiedTraumaDisorder #Trauma #StressDreams #MyAutismIsNotADisorder #MyAutismIsNotADisability #AutismSpectrum #Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #Vent #triggerwarning #SuicidalIdeation #SuicidalThoughts #SuicideAttemptSurvivors #Autistic

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Ever since the middle of last month, I’ve been having stress dreams pretty much everyday. It used to be just around twice a week… why? I hate this so much. I want it to be back to normal. It’s now pissing me off.

Is it just thanks to the crapload of stressors I’ve had? Of course it is, it has to be. The traumatic flashbacks, the interrupted routines, being done with Amazon, the news about Target and (I think) Dollar General (and yes, even though Target did apologize, as a minority I cannot fully trust them anymore until I see loads of genuine improvement moving forward), summer’s existence (I hate summer)…. even when I’m no longer stressed by these things at times, even when days were great, I’m still having stress dreams everyday…

I even had such a great birthday unexpectedly last month. All of this now just seems like a very rude awakening. I wish I’ve never turned another age…. 🙁

#MyAutismIsNotADisorder #MyAutismIsNotADisability #Autistic #AutismSpectrum #Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #OSTD #OtherSpecifiedTraumaDisorder #StressDreams #help #overstimulated #TickedOff #triggerwarning

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Welp, this month’s been shit so far in terms of mood. I hope I don’t feel like wanting to fucking die again.

#Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #AutismSpectrum #MyAutismIsNotADisorder #MyAutismIsNotADisability #OSTD #OtherSpecifiedTraumaDisorder #SuicidalThoughts

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You ever just wanna throw your hands in the air and say “fuck it all”? Well that’s exactly what I’m feeling right now. I feel like everything fucking sucks rn. America’s insane for having Trump TWICE (we could’ve have our second chance for a woman president BUT NOOOO, a Neo-Nazi got president again instead!), I’m so sick of everything being “AI”’d purely because of harmful shit like AI art for existing and not caring whether something labeled AI or not, CRYPTOCURRENCY LIKE BITCOIN IS HARMING THE FUCKING ENVIRONMENT, NFTS STEALS ART WITHOUT ARTISTS’ PERMISSIONS… I can go on. To the point where it’s becoming FUCKING UNAVOIDABLE like in Apple’s AppStore and of course there is ABSOLUTELY no way to turn these suggestions off, LIKE NO, STOP SUGGESTING ME AI ART GENERATORS AND CRYPTO!!!

I don’t fucking trust or like Microsoft or Google anymore because of the shit they’ve done (including AI art generators).

Still can’t even get a FUCKING DISABILITY PAYMENT after all of these FUCKING YEARS let alone get a lawyer because WE AREN’T RICH LIKE THAT, ESPECIALLY BEING SOMEONE OF COLOR! Even then, I’m sick of having my autism being the reason, because it is NOT a disability/disorder, my anxiety and trauma disorder are the real disorders!! Next time, it will NOT be autism as A reason, but honestly I just want to say fuck this process in general because I’m so sick of it and possibly being misgendered all over again (I’m non-binary).

Many things I used to like/go to I cannot anymore because of the fucking inflation and higher/change of free plans (which I do understand that plenty of it is thanks to 2020 event and virus that shall not be named).

Things could’ve been better this decade, but NO. THINGS HAVE NOT BEEN FUCKING BETTER!!!

(Don’t call me human, I identify as something else non-pessimisticly and spiritually. Words relating to the 2020 event trigger me, like highly upset me and will bring up bad feelings. Thanks for understanding.)

#VentPost #Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #AutismSpectrum #MyAutismIsNotADisorder #MyAutismIsNotADisability #angry #fedup #unfair #triggerwarning #venting #OSTD #OtherSpecifiedTraumaDisorder #DoneWithEverything