Do you ever stumble upon very old triggers you had long since forgotten?
I didn't know that my ex was signing my daughter up for softball again until it was done. My daughter played one year of tee-ball after kindergarten. She's in fifth grade now and the other girls kept playing and being coached by Uber competitive dad's, my daughter didn't. My daughter has spent time in and out of hospitals for medical conditions. Those girls might have broken a bone once.
I grew up like those girls. I never had a broken bone. I played sports, multiple teams a year, as often as possible. I had drawers full of jerseys and shelves full of trophies, plaques, ribbons, and awards. I loved the fun part, hustled at the work part, but never spent more than a few days feeling like I fit in or was good enough no matter how much I practiced or cared. No matter how great my stats were for a game or season, I was always disappointed that I didn't do better.
My parents tried, but they were rarely ever there at games or practices. They were working or running to get dinner or handle my siblings. But other parents would tell them about my performance when they did show up.
I had forgotten all about this. The competitive days when I didn't like myself no matter how good I was or wasn't. I had put it behind me. When my daughter didn't want to play sports anymore and quit everything she ever tried, I let her, because no one ever allowed me to quit. I was forced to keep being "that girl" that my mother never had the chance to be.
Now, my ex has her involved in a sport neither he, nor his new wife know anything about. Neither does my daughter, but I do. When I told the coach we hadn't known where the place was, he had to stop himself from laughing in front of everyone.
My daughter loved the practice and just being around kids because she's online schooled do to her illnesses. She was so happy to be with kids again, she didn't notice her asthma creeping up on her as practice ended.
I didn't notice how much I hated being back amongst these competitive jerks who just can't imagine having a kid who doesn't know where the little league fields are. They're daughter's complain if they "have to practice on field #2 !"
I used to be one of those kids. I don't like them and I didn't like being like them. And, now I worry that my daughter is headed for heartbreak, because of these people.
My ex and his wife had no idea what they were signing her up for. Now, I have to be the parent who carries her through this, but it's a trigger for me as well. I have so much baggage from this. How do I help her without triggering me?