I have so much that has gone on in my life which lead me to here and now. Childhood trauma (physical abuse, neglect, emotional abuse, molestation, etc…) led to PTSD & MAJOR DEPRESSIVE DISORDER. I also have ADHD, and my meds for that don’t work because my med manager can’t find a med that will keep my ANXIETY under control. And my anxiety keeps me from sticking with 1 train of thought! My anxiety level is at a consistent 7… but more on my bad days! My anxiety is getting worse with time, to the point where I spend my last $20 door dashing groceries because I have a panic attack at the thought of having to go shopping in a store. Also, I take my Propanolol medication everytime before I drive my car, because that also scares the hell out of me now. I raised my son myself for 20 years, and he just got his own apartment a few weeks ago. EMPTY NEST SYNDROME! I spent the 1st 16 years so focused on raising my son, that I unintentionally isolated myself for those 16 years. I understand that my old friends moved on when I stopped reaching out to them. However, I had POSTPARTUM DEPRESSION, for the first 5 years of my sons life, and when I unintentionally stopped reaching out to my family, they never (not once) bothered to try to call me. Not long after my son turned 5, it was like walking out of a fog and I felt sooo alone and lost and my first thought was “where did everyone go”! Since that point, when I woke up mentally and started trying to connect with those I cared about, I was never able to entirely make those connections again. An example of this was my brothers wedding May 2023, and I was surrounded by family and friends, but I ended up leaving right after the ceremony. This was because no one was talking to me and I started to feel very alone even surrounded by so many people I have known for years. It is like I no longer can carry a conversation, and the effort to connect with people makes me physically and mentally exhausted. When my son turned 16, I decided for the first time since I had him, that I would try dating again. I rushed into a marriage with the first guy who seemed interested in me, (seeing as how I have very low self esteem, and clearly assumed that I was to old to waste time trying to find better for myself). Within a few months of being married, his Narcissistic traits started to show. I do count my blessings, that I had been working as a Mental Health Rehabilitation Technician for years, and I was very aware of what narcissistic behavior looked like. Even then, it still took me another 7 months to kick him out of my apartment, and 2 more months to finalize my divorce. My marriage lasted exactly 1 year! Then I was raped by the next guy I went on a date with, and he gave md HERPES. I was 39 at this point, and having not dated for many years after my sons father broke up with me (in his next breath, after I told him I was pregnant). So Herpes guy was only my 4th sexual partner in all my 39 years. Also, my 1st partner (my manager at Walmart) also raped me, on my 18th birthday! A few months after getting herpes, I met a new man. He was in a bad place. He had been married for 8 years, together 10, and raised her to kids since her youngest was first born. She had Borderline Personality Disorder, snd had stopped taking her meds. She became abusive physically towards him as well as mentally. His doctors told him when he started having seizures, that they were stress induced. For his mental and physical health, he left his wife. Since he was the only father her kids had ever known, she promised to keep him in their lives. But when me and him started dating, she cut him out of his life entirely. I am pretty sure, although he never said it, but I’m pretty sure he blamed me for losing his kids. I let him move in with me, probably sooner in our relationship than I should have. 4 months in, I told him I was In Love with him. 2 months later I came home from work to hearing him on his phone (with speaker phond on). He was talking to his friend Kelsey (who was engaged, so it never occurred to me to be concerned about them two). They very graphically were discussing the last time they had sex in great detail (which had been a few days before the phone call). Then they started making plans for their next hookup. Now, I had never allowed myself to Truly Love someone before. I was devastated and started SELF HARMING for awhile. I broke up with him, but my nature is very empathetic and kind. He had no car to get to work and no ond else he could move in with. So he moved into my spare bedroom. For the last 1 1/2 years, he has continued to live with me (he says I’m his best friend). But I can’t shut those feelings of Love off. So everytime he goes out wya girl, I lose it. He spent the night at a hotel with a woman, tgd one he cheated on me with, and I ended up in a voluntary crisis house for 8 days. I know… and have been told by many people… that he needs to move out for the sake of my mental health. But… I have no one else. Like literally no one. Even my son who just moved out, will only talk to me when he comes over to my place to do laundry. I am terrified of him leaving. Of me being completely alone in my
big apartment. When I start thinking about kicking him out, I immediately have a panic attack. I know I could use some therapy/counseling, but the 3 places in my area that I signed up for have very long waiting lists. And my current med manager is having no luck with trying to find a med regime that works for me. So last week she referred me to a new person. This person id going to thoroughly reevaluate my mental health diagnoses, and start treating me using a new fresh pair of eyes.
I am SO SORRY that this was so long. But please keep in mind that I in fact DID NOT entirely list ALL of my trauma history or every negative thing that has derailed my life throughout my 41 years. This is just the cliff notes. But feeling so alone all the time, I don’t often get the chance to get all these thoughts outta my head. THANKS FOR LISTENING!!!
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