Postpartum Depression

Hello, my name is Shea. I’m looking to get back on my feet with life in general. I’ve been struggling with depression and anxiety off and on since Freshman year of high school. Until I had my first kiddo, I was diagnosed with severe postpartum depression. I was able to get great help and was on a good run and coping with everything. Of course certain things change even within just 2 years. So, figuring out how to handle all the “obstacles” that life keeps pushing out to us; has been quite of a change to handle for some reason, for me. I question if it’s ok to feel this way, but I get upset because then I don’t know if I can do whatever the next step it is for me to keep going? I have a tendency to self-sabotage myself when good things come along. Such as a lead position for my new job, that I started 3 months ago. I told my lead that I basically won’t accept the promotion and to pass it on. Now I am currently pregnant with our second youngin. So, that was a factor to not accepting the position. I don’t believe I can push myself, nor will I try to attempt unless I know I felt comfortable doing so. We found out within a month of me working, that I was pregnant. So I am 13 weeks along currently, if that gives a better time frame?
With the pregnancy, I cannot for the life of me, not get all worked up. Not bawl my eyes out for a day or even up to a week.
On the other hand, I do try to keep going back to the advice that helped me deal with these thoughts and emotions better. I know that truly happy and engaged person is still within myself. I still get all worked up, as if I still am the only individual that can’t make it out of this fight with my deep thoughts. I’m struggling to organize what I really want to do, how to do anything and what’s the next solution? How do I keep moving forward, without tripping myself up all the time? For some reason I’ve gotten so deep, that I start to tell myself I like the pain to keep me humbled? Or that I deserve it? Then I’ll rabbit hole into all the more reasons as to why I think I’m more of a horrible person that needs to isolate myself. Rather than listen to all the compliments and the truths that people say about and directly to me. I for some reason push it all away and tell myself that they’re telling me what I think I want to hear. Anytime these thoughts come up, I hide away and tell myself all these things and I can’t understand why I let it consume me like a meal. How do I get out of this vicious cycle with myself? Why can’t I tell myself I’m good enough and truly believe it? I feel myself wanting to crawl out and yell out for help, out of this shell I’ve dugged myself into. I still fake a good smile when I can and out interacting. But I hardly talk and engage, but I’ll fake it till I make it. It’s starting to get to a point that I find it easier to make up excuses to not attend or go to places. But then I’ll stay at home, harping on everything about me. And then it’s getting harder to fake a smile and pretend that I’m alright. I’ve let myself get so down that I don’t even know how to talk to my friends, family members, my loving partner in crime. That to the point I’ve been given an ultimatum, because I’ve completely shut myself out from everybody. I’ve convinced myself I deserve this. That I’m not a good mother and never will be. I tell myself that my partner is the one who’s made our son smart and the way he is. Despite the fact that I’ve been a stay at home mom for a good year and a half of his 2 years of life. My partner will continuously remind me that I did that. What makes me a great mother that I am and still continue to be, even with these struggles.
I just need to talk and I’m not sure what’s so pent up and wanting to be heard. That im just getting frustrated at myself about every little thing I do. I want to understand me again. Find me again, or the new version that’s prying its way out that I feel like I’m going through pregnancy and birth twice. Our second child, and my personality. I can’t control whether I have a boy or girl, or if they’ll look more like me or their dad. But I can control how I want to be like during pregnancy, afterwards and for the rest of my life. Encountering every change. I somehow have to keep reminding myself in healthier ways to keep working towards that version. Those goals, self-affirmations, self-care, and all the goodies that come with the honeys and moneys with a good conscience. Because I want to get back to the greener side of the fence that knew I was capable and proving myself over and over why I should keep going. I’m not trying to prove particularly anybody, because everybody has their own successes and stresses. I’m concerned if I can stay in the game with everybody else and proving my dark conscience that I was wrong. That I’ve gained and even over achieve if I can. Maybe that’s why I get tripped up because then I overthink some obstacles and overshoot myself. So I set myself up for failure, because I didn’t aim and direct how and where I want to go to hit the bullseye.
I would love to find any way to connect with people who might go through similar struggles. Help motivate each other to stay on top for ourselves and our families. I look forward to learning more about mental awareness and healing. ❤️
Get back into wanting to peruse psychology in some way. To help others connect and continue the same growth plan to keeping moving forward. Like that movie, Meet the Robinsons.
🎶All of my regret, will wash away somehow. But how can I forget, the way I feel right now? In these small hours. These little wonders. These twists and turns of fate. 🎶 -Rob Thomas
Such a good a movie but anyways, I hope you enjoyed the roller coaster ride, and look forward to meeting some cool people!

👋 all I have been a part of the mighty since early 2017 when I was diagnosed with Chiari Malformation type 1 and Syringomylia. Rheumatoid, and hyper Thyroid issues run in the family along with other autoimmune disorders, dupitrins contractions and planter fashitis (pretty thats mispelked). We also have Mental health or personality disorders as well.

I didn't ever really come on here till now. After having my son in 2021 I developed severe postpartum depression. It eventually disappeared on its own kinda, it just lessened to depression.I was battleing addiction that had started because of my Chiari diagnosis and decompression surgery. In summer of 2022 i got clean and stayed clean. I went to a psychologist who was in the company of my rehab/general therapist. I was diagnosed with general anxiety, social anxiety, depression, bipolar, and having borderline personality disorder traits. I have recently VERY recently got away from trauma and abuse. I am almost 💯sure I have C-PTSD. Are there other forms of trauma bonding, abuse, PTSD out there what are common symptoms? I have something really weird going on and I dont even know how to really explain it . It i don't know if it's a symptoms concerning my Chiari and surgery site or if its a mental, psychological issue from the trauma. Any similar backgrounds out there? Even not general answers would be appreciated as well. Thnx everyone.

#ArnoldChiariMalformation , #ChiariMalformation , #Syringomyelia #autoimmune Disorders #MentalHealth #BorderlinePersonalityDisorderBPD #DepressiveDisorders #BipolarDepression #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #behavioralhealth #Trauma #symptoms #DissociativeIdentityDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #PTSD #mental #Anxiety #BipolarDisorder ##Nightmares #MoodDisorders #SocialAnxiety #OtherMentalHealth #neuro

2 wks ago my therapist wanted me to get on Klonopin to calm my thoughts cause my beta blocker wasn’t working. So I called my psychiatrist and scheduled an appointment. Well, that went over like a lead balloon 🎈. She was only going to give me 2wks worth. I asked will it be 2 wks worth every month she said no. 2 wks worth isn’t going to be enough. Beta blockers should not be prescribed to anyone who has asthma. So, I made a appointment with a Nurse Psych practitioner at the place where I wanted to in the first place. This place I love because the psychiatrist helped me so much with my postpartum depression and anxiety. She ended up giving me gabapetin. I looked that up and it says cause significant weight gain. No way Jose! I’m keeping my weight off since I have been walking. I have been the same weight this whole time. Caplyta helped me loose weight besides my walks.

I have so much that has gone on in my life which lead me to here and now. Childhood trauma (physical abuse, neglect, emotional abuse, molestation, etc…) led to PTSD & MAJOR DEPRESSIVE DISORDER. I also have ADHD, and my meds for that don’t work because my med manager can’t find a med that will keep my ANXIETY under control. And my anxiety keeps me from sticking with 1 train of thought! My anxiety level is at a consistent 7… but more on my bad days! My anxiety is getting worse with time, to the point where I spend my last $20 door dashing groceries because I have a panic attack at the thought of having to go shopping in a store. Also, I take my Propanolol medication everytime before I drive my car, because that also scares the hell out of me now. I raised my son myself for 20 years, and he just got his own apartment a few weeks ago. EMPTY NEST SYNDROME! I spent the 1st 16 years so focused on raising my son, that I unintentionally isolated myself for those 16 years. I understand that my old friends moved on when I stopped reaching out to them. However, I had POSTPARTUM DEPRESSION, for the first 5 years of my sons life, and when I unintentionally stopped reaching out to my family, they never (not once) bothered to try to call me. Not long after my son turned 5, it was like walking out of a fog and I felt sooo alone and lost and my first thought was “where did everyone go”! Since that point, when I woke up mentally and started trying to connect with those I cared about, I was never able to entirely make those connections again. An example of this was my brothers wedding May 2023, and I was surrounded by family and friends, but I ended up leaving right after the ceremony. This was because no one was talking to me and I started to feel very alone even surrounded by so many people I have known for years. It is like I no longer can carry a conversation, and the effort to connect with people makes me physically and mentally exhausted. When my son turned 16, I decided for the first time since I had him, that I would try dating again. I rushed into a marriage with the first guy who seemed interested in me, (seeing as how I have very low self esteem, and clearly assumed that I was to old to waste time trying to find better for myself). Within a few months of being married, his Narcissistic traits started to show. I do count my blessings, that I had been working as a Mental Health Rehabilitation Technician for years, and I was very aware of what narcissistic behavior looked like. Even then, it still took me another 7 months to kick him out of my apartment, and 2 more months to finalize my divorce. My marriage lasted exactly 1 year! Then I was raped by the next guy I went on a date with, and he gave md HERPES. I was 39 at this point, and having not dated for many years after my sons father broke up with me (in his next breath, after I told him I was pregnant). So Herpes guy was only my 4th sexual partner in all my 39 years. Also, my 1st partner (my manager at Walmart) also raped me, on my 18th birthday! A few months after getting herpes, I met a new man. He was in a bad place. He had been married for 8 years, together 10, and raised her to kids since her youngest was first born. She had Borderline Personality Disorder, snd had stopped taking her meds. She became abusive physically towards him as well as mentally. His doctors told him when he started having seizures, that they were stress induced. For his mental and physical health, he left his wife. Since he was the only father her kids had ever known, she promised to keep him in their lives. But when me and him started dating, she cut him out of his life entirely. I am pretty sure, although he never said it, but I’m pretty sure he blamed me for losing his kids. I let him move in with me, probably sooner in our relationship than I should have. 4 months in, I told him I was In Love with him. 2 months later I came home from work to hearing him on his phone (with speaker phond on). He was talking to his friend Kelsey (who was engaged, so it never occurred to me to be concerned about them two). They very graphically were discussing the last time they had sex in great detail (which had been a few days before the phone call). Then they started making plans for their next hookup. Now, I had never allowed myself to Truly Love someone before. I was devastated and started SELF HARMING for awhile. I broke up with him, but my nature is very empathetic and kind. He had no car to get to work and no ond else he could move in with. So he moved into my spare bedroom. For the last 1 1/2 years, he has continued to live with me (he says I’m his best friend). But I can’t shut those feelings of Love off. So everytime he goes out wya girl, I lose it. He spent the night at a hotel with a woman, tgd one he cheated on me with, and I ended up in a voluntary crisis house for 8 days. I know… and have been told by many people… that he needs to move out for the sake of my mental health. But… I have no one else. Like literally no one. Even my son who just moved out, will only talk to me when he comes over to my place to do laundry. I am terrified of him leaving. Of me being completely alone in my
big apartment. When I start thinking about kicking him out, I immediately have a panic attack. I know I could use some therapy/counseling, but the 3 places in my area that I signed up for have very long waiting lists. And my current med manager is having no luck with trying to find a med regime that works for me. So last week she referred me to a new person. This person id going to thoroughly reevaluate my mental health diagnoses, and start treating me using a new fresh pair of eyes.

I am SO SORRY that this was so long. But please keep in mind that I in fact DID NOT entirely list ALL of my trauma history or every negative thing that has derailed my life throughout my 41 years. This is just the cliff notes. But feeling so alone all the time, I don’t often get the chance to get all these thoughts outta my head. THANKS FOR LISTENING!!!

After months of tele-therapy with my wonderful therapist and finally landed a job, I thought I’ve dug myself out of my postpartum depression and work place PTSD. After a series of events at my new job, I’ve found myself in the same situation, the only person moving lifting heavy boxes while we are a team of 6, being over worked and burnt out, not getting along with a coworker, etc. My director told me to work with HR and her to have a mediation session “to talk things out”. If this coworker is honest or harmless, then of course I am willing and ready; but all I can think of are the past events and how she can Lie about everything and manipulate the situation and people and people buy it. HR asked me how picture our mediation session, I honestly told her, if will look like the recent presidential debate I guess. I am inclined to say I will for sure lose, because I am a Christian and I will not lie and I am not good at responding to people lying to my face. (Of course I didn’t say these things to HR)
What do you think I should do before this all come down? One key word my husband told me is to stay “calm”. What do you think?

All my life I’ve had many different diagnoses. Not because I have so many issues, just took until I was in my 30s and a bad bout of postpartum depression that moved my mental health professionals to realize it was not just that (although that was serious). Lots of mood swings and many medication changes later, I feel better than I ever have. Each new breakthrough gives me more hope for others. Don’t give up! #Support

How do you all recommend supporting a friend with postpartum depression? I’ve been through depression myself but haven’t been through having a baby. It seems so hard. I’ve brought her food, texted her encouragement, and checked in with her via text around once a week. Any ideas from those who have been through it? #PostpartumDepression #MentalHealth