When you can't get help.
How do I tell my story when I have been trying to hide it for so many years? How do I tell my story when it doesn’t have a happy ending, or really any ending? I hope that being honest helps someone else feel less alone, so here you go….
You see, I have lived with depression since I was about 10 years old (I am now in my 40’s). When I was kid, I was told I was just shy and needed to make friends. Then in junior high, when I admitted I was suicidal I was told by both the school and my mom that I was no longer allowed to talk to the school counselor. Not only that but I was told by my mom to stop being so stupid and doing this to her because it made her look bad.
I learned to hide my tears and my pain. To not talk about my feelings or when I felt suicidal. I didn’t want people to worry, to think I was crazy. More importantly I didn’t feel like I could ask for help (that only got worse).
After my youngest was born I made sure that I lied on enough of the postpartum depression questions because I was scared that if I was honest, I would lose my kids.
My youngest went through a traumatic experience that brought DCF into our lives for a while. The state appointed therapist would repeatedly say things about how he didn’t want to find me in xyz position dead at his next visit. Not only did he not offer to help me, but he told me I was a terrible mother and messed up my child. Because of him my 5-year-old spent a week in a child psych hospital where he was drugged without my knowledge or consent. I was not allowed to see him for 3 days and never had a chance to talk to his Dr. at the hospital. Instead, I was told he was just being a brat.
I finally had the courage to tell my Dr. about my struggles with depression and admitted that I have made multiple attempts. Rather than receiving help I was told to wait…”it will be interesting to see where your mood is at in 6 months to a year.” I wasn’t given a referral to a therapist; I wasn’t given anything. When I called the office to complain I was told that it would have been unethical for him to do anything since I was a new patient but “my daughter suffers from depression, so I understand how hard it is”.
I still have not found any help and honestly, I am getting tired of trying. I am still worried about being completely honest with my struggles especially since I feel like no one really cares. I do truly hope that this brings awareness to the struggles of accessing help for mental health. If you have been denied the help that you need and deserve, please know that it is NOT because you are not enough. Keep fighting and hopefully someone will listen.