Postpartum Depression

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Postpartum Depression
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    When you can't get help.

    How do I tell my story when I have been trying to hide it for so many years? How do I tell my story when it doesn’t have a happy ending, or really any ending? I hope that being honest helps someone else feel less alone, so here you go….

    You see, I have lived with depression since I was about 10 years old (I am now in my 40’s). When I was kid, I was told I was just shy and needed to make friends. Then in junior high, when I admitted I was suicidal I was told by both the school and my mom that I was no longer allowed to talk to the school counselor. Not only that but I was told by my mom to stop being so stupid and doing this to her because it made her look bad.

    I learned to hide my tears and my pain. To not talk about my feelings or when I felt suicidal. I didn’t want people to worry, to think I was crazy. More importantly I didn’t feel like I could ask for help (that only got worse).

    After my youngest was born I made sure that I lied on enough of the postpartum depression questions because I was scared that if I was honest, I would lose my kids.

    My youngest went through a traumatic experience that brought DCF into our lives for a while. The state appointed therapist would repeatedly say things about how he didn’t want to find me in xyz position dead at his next visit. Not only did he not offer to help me, but he told me I was a terrible mother and messed up my child. Because of him my 5-year-old spent a week in a child psych hospital where he was drugged without my knowledge or consent. I was not allowed to see him for 3 days and never had a chance to talk to his Dr. at the hospital. Instead, I was told he was just being a brat.

    I finally had the courage to tell my Dr. about my struggles with depression and admitted that I have made multiple attempts. Rather than receiving help I was told to wait…”it will be interesting to see where your mood is at in 6 months to a year.” I wasn’t given a referral to a therapist; I wasn’t given anything. When I called the office to complain I was told that it would have been unethical for him to do anything since I was a new patient but “my daughter suffers from depression, so I understand how hard it is”.

    I still have not found any help and honestly, I am getting tired of trying. I am still worried about being completely honest with my struggles especially since I feel like no one really cares. I do truly hope that this brings awareness to the struggles of accessing help for mental health. If you have been denied the help that you need and deserve, please know that it is NOT because you are not enough. Keep fighting and hopefully someone will listen.

    6 people are talking about this
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    Nowhere left to turn, nothing left to lose

    I'm posting here as I have nowhere else and nothing else left. I have completely given up on life and do not care anymore. I have bipolar 1 disorder and have been hospitalized 4 times for it. I just saw my Dr. last week, and my lithium levels are normal. I attempted suicide for the 12th time on Wednesday, and cut myself multiple times. I am bleak, numb, and see no point of going on. My parents could care less - in fact, I'm thinking of just driving off a bridge so they don't "have to waste anymore money." My almost 10-year relationship ended in February, and he believed be to me completely insane and a bother. I have one friend who lives 3 hours away who is suffering with postpartum depression herself and one down in Florida. I have no one. My co-workers are all drastically younger than me (I'm 34, they're 19/20). There's no love out there for me, my life is a wreck, nobody cares. Life has lost all hope and meaning. I'm alone with nothing but my thoughts, and that's when things get their worst.

    Does anyone have any last thoughts or ideas? My outlook is bleak, but I'm willing to try. I'd say I'm hypomanic - depressed, but also full of rage. I work out 7 days a week, so that option has been tried. Thank you for any help you can give.

    9 people are talking about this
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