quietborderline

Is it frowned upon to ask a counselor about the possibility of a diagnosis or their thoughts on you having a disorder? She may already be leaning that way but I've had concerns about it for the past year. I relate to every symptom and people's descriptions of their experiences with it. Idk if it's worth it to ask or if I'll seem ignorant for doing so. #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #quietborderline #quietbpd

As someone who is challenged with quiet borderline personality disorder, I struggle mostly (but not exclusively) with emotional regulation and impulse control. I often feel emotions bigger than others without BPD. I get excited very easily, and that can be happy excited or angry excited or sad excited - which looks like anxiety or depression. I get irritated easily. I just can’t stop all the feelings from flying out of me.

I can be exhausting.

I’m also empathic so when I’m in large groups, I pick up on others emotions as well. I become overwhelmed and I can get loud and assertive which means I’ve lost control of my mindfulness and I am exerting my energy in a way that can be viewed as over enthusiastic and offputting.

In general, I see things as black-and-white and try to emphasize my views because in my mind, that is the way things should be. My husband and I call this “beeping”. Until I can calm myself, I can’t hear what others are saying. It takes someone very strong and calm to bring me down, and when this happens I get embarrassed and quiet which appears as pouty. If I have to catch myself, I am so embarrassed I get to the point of feeling shame. It’s at this point I feel hated, foolish and unworthy. I must be most careful with myself here - self harm is highest here.

My mind can make me feel as though everyone wishes I wasn’t there, and I either feel I need to make things better or die. The shame overwhelms me and often I want to leave the person or group. But more often I will just leave. I don’t get mad, I just “disappear”. Without any thought I could ever be missed.

Some people will find my intensity charming. I’ve become passionate, enthusiastic, and I shine. The people that are drawn to me in this stage make me most nervous, because I don’t trust them. Why would anybody really be interested in me?

It’s at my happiest I feel the most flawed. Because I know it’s my BP that is causing me to feel this way. And if anyone knew how I really felt, or how I would feel in the next few minutes, they would leave. They might know I was a fake.

I just feel that people are going to be disappointed by me or let down no matter what I do. It’s hard to live in the grey when all I see is black and white.

#quietborderline #qbpd #BPD

Broken down, Ripped apart
Vulnerable heart of stone

Misunderstood actions
Dependent on survival

Doing what is best for me
Twisted and spewed

Now the strangers
Who convinced me to give heart

Depict me wicked
Paint me through a mirrored glass

An animal stuck in a cage
Poked and prodded

My tears are merely an apparition
To the onlookers standing by

Forever seen as immoral
Quite honestly dreadful

Yesterday was a bit of a “bad brain day”, that unfortunately followed me into the night and lingered on today. All the events in play put me in search mode for answers to explain why my mind continues to torture me. I ended up reading a few articles on Quiet Borderline Personality Disorder, and after so many google searches over the years I am finally reading my minds games on paper.

I'm trying to type so much more, but for some reason when l try to type more than just poetry my mind reels like a million waves crashing against a single rock alone on the shore. I suppose to summarize this world wind of thoughts and emotions; I am thankful for the chance to find some answers and yet fearful for an overly jumbled list of mind created irrational fears.

#quietborderline

Where is the line between just being a teenager with some issues and having legitimate bpd(quite bpd)? I just never know how normal my life is when others seem smililar at times but other times like I’m miles alway from anyone else

Once it surrounds you it engulfs you.
You try to hold on to the edges as it's a long way back from the bottom and if you get to the bottom it's almost impossible to pull yourself back from that pit.
There's others around you telling you to reach out but what if they let go?
So I pull back hoping they forget I'm in this pit...
I know I'll fall if I don't but I'm to heavy for myself then surely I'm to heavy for others?
It's terrifying to feel this way,
It's lonely to have a guard up...
It's frustrating that I'm back here and I'm trying to keep it in so no one see's all this pain I carry.
The guilt, the shame, the tears, the self-hate... How did I get back to this lonely and terrifying pit?