reactivearthritis

I’m really battling. It’s really difficult. 5 years ago on March 24th, the noise became so loud in my mind from my traumas of being assaulted by a group of terrible guys and other traumas, I couldn’t take it. I attempted suicide. I was unsuccessful thankfully and got the help I needed. Every year I recognize that Anniversary and get stronger. Except this year. On March 22nd around 10pm my brother called me and said my dad died and the police and paramedics were at the family business. It was so sudden. It wasn’t expected. I fell to my knees and the air was taken from my lungs. This isn’t real. This can’t be real. I’m gonna wake up to my dad calling me any second to ask how I’m doing and to check up on me. My boyfriend and I got in my car and he drove us 1 hour to my dad’s business. I had a pit in my stomach. I had a bad feeling. When we arrived my gut was right. My dad took his own life. He was only 59. Was going to be 60 in a month. I should have been able to see his pain. I should’ve helped him. I’ve been there. I’ve been in that dark of a place, I know the signs. Last time I saw him I saw the signs and ignored them. Shrugged them off as stress. It wasn’t just stess. It was a unsilenceable painful torture inside his mind that pushed him past what his strength could handle. And I’m tired of people saying it’s selfish. I don’t see suicide as selfish. It isn’t. Since my dad has passed I feel like every pain I’ve felt from my #autoimmune problems like #MultipleSclerosis #reactivearthritis and many of others. It’s gone. I can’t feel it until I go to sleep at night, then the pain is excruciating and then I feel the pain in my heart for my dad and then every pain in my body and I can’t sleep. I’ve been put on sleeping pills but I don’t want to take them. I do take them, but I don’t want to. I haven’t been on here for a while but, I need support and help. I am seeing a therapist but I need a group too. Does anyone have any advice? I’m really hurting physically and emotionally.

❤️

I just wanted to share my story with you all in the believe that it brings you some encouragement and hope.

This is a story of my pursuit to destroy asthma.

I was diagnosed with asthma at the age of 2 where I nearly died from riding a horse. Living with asthma wasn't something that brought a lot of confidence and peace into my life. I was forever chained to my inhaler for fear of that sudden asthma attack that would squeeze the breath from my lungs. Fear has been a major theme in my life and something that even today I struggle with. Something that I have come to be aware of is that fear wants to infect every aspect of your life and completely destroy any joy and hope you try and have.

Especially as a young child I was completely embarrassed of having asthma and taking an inhaler. I remember being on the playground at school and having to go around the corner to use medication because I was so scared of other people seeing me as weak and different. Because of this sense of being weak I felt like I needed to battle asthma every chance I could get. I would push myself physically to try and prove to myself that I can conquer asthma. This was to no avail, as it would always come and bring me to my knees huffing and puffing for air, with that fear that comes with tightening of breath being ever present. I remember once in my early teens I decided to mow the lawn (this was a huge trigger for me). As I mowed I focused on pushing past the wheeze and not stopping. I finished mowing he lawn but was so wheezy that I couldn't even put the lawn mower into the garage. It took everything within me to ring the doorbell continuously until my mom answered. Seeing me close to passing out she ran, got my inhaler and started pumping ventolin into me like a deflated tire. There was many episodes like this in my life, ones that I never was able to defeat.

Fast forward to 2016. After suffering a serious stomach virus, Listeria, I woke up one day to a completely swollen shut elbow. If you haven’t experienced it, its hard to explain but I could not bend my elbow no matter how hard I tried it would move. This started to effect other joints in my body, wrist, knees and ankles. I was diagnosed with reactive arthritis. The only thing that was offered was a pill called Meloxicam. If you are taking this you know the side effects are insane. I had to go into the hospital once a month to make sure my kidneys were failing, I would get more sensitive to the sun, upset stomach, nausea and the list goes on. This is where everything changed.

See post 2 for a happy ending

#Asthma #ChronicFatigue  #reactivearthritis   #Hope  #encouragment   #Healing  #mystory #Holistic #asthmafree