#Depression after #Loss of a loved one
I’m really battling. It’s really difficult. 5 years ago on March 24th, the noise became so loud in my mind from my traumas of being assaulted by a group of terrible guys and other traumas, I couldn’t take it. I attempted suicide. I was unsuccessful thankfully and got the help I needed. Every year I recognize that Anniversary and get stronger. Except this year. On March 22nd around 10pm my brother called me and said my dad died and the police and paramedics were at the family business. It was so sudden. It wasn’t expected. I fell to my knees and the air was taken from my lungs. This isn’t real. This can’t be real. I’m gonna wake up to my dad calling me any second to ask how I’m doing and to check up on me. My boyfriend and I got in my car and he drove us 1 hour to my dad’s business. I had a pit in my stomach. I had a bad feeling. When we arrived my gut was right. My dad took his own life. He was only 59. Was going to be 60 in a month. I should have been able to see his pain. I should’ve helped him. I’ve been there. I’ve been in that dark of a place, I know the signs. Last time I saw him I saw the signs and ignored them. Shrugged them off as stress. It wasn’t just stess. It was a unsilenceable painful torture inside his mind that pushed him past what his strength could handle. And I’m tired of people saying it’s selfish. I don’t see suicide as selfish. It isn’t. Since my dad has passed I feel like every pain I’ve felt from my #autoimmune problems like #MultipleSclerosis #reactivearthritis and many of others. It’s gone. I can’t feel it until I go to sleep at night, then the pain is excruciating and then I feel the pain in my heart for my dad and then every pain in my body and I can’t sleep. I’ve been put on sleeping pills but I don’t want to take them. I do take them, but I don’t want to. I haven’t been on here for a while but, I need support and help. I am seeing a therapist but I need a group too. Does anyone have any advice? I’m really hurting physically and emotionally.