Recovery

I can’t remember exactly how it began.

If I’m being honest, I blacked a lot of it out.

Was it the first mental breakdown I had at 5 years old, crying and pulling my hair out of frustration because I couldn’t figure out how to style my hair in pigtails? Was it when I surrendered to the cold razor blade for the first time at 12 years old? Was it when I had my first drop of alcohol at the age of 14, letting it consume my life for the next 18 years? Or was it my first toxic relationship that I desperately held onto for nearly almost two decades?

Couldn’t tell you.

All I know is I was born different.

I grew up in a household that seemed normal on the outside. Two conservative, hardworking parents that migrated to the U.S. in the 70’s. I was born in 1991. We had a house in the suburbs. I had two older siblings that were involved in extracurricular activities, and a younger sibling that we all adored.

I felt like an outsider though. Not sure why.

It could be the large age gap between my siblings and I, or the fact that my parents were too busy working and rarely home. Regardless, I was a natural-born loner.

As I grew older and developed a social life, I found myself in a cycle with unstable relationships and eventually burning bridges with nearly everyone in my life. I took things more personally than what a “normal” person would, and often had episodes of intense anger and emotional instability that drove people away from my life. It didn’t take much to set me off. It could be as little as not being in on an inside joke or included in dinner plans that would trigger me. I was labeled as selfish and dramatic. I used alcohol, partying, and sex to cope with my feelings of emptiness which of course did nothing but left me feeling even more lost.

I didn’t know who I was.

I changed my hair and wardrobe often.

I switched from one genre of music to another.

I would go from developing several hobbies to suddenly not being interested in anything at all.

Every day I longed for a purpose that I depended on romantic partners for.

It wasn’t until 2019 after a suicide attempt during a traumatic breakup that I sought professional help. I was diagnosed at 29 years old with Borderline Personality Disorder. I had all 9 main symptoms of a borderline: 1) fear of abandonment, 2) unstable relationships, 3) unclear or shifting self-image, 4) impulsive, self-destructive behaviors, 5) self-harm, 6) extreme emotional swings, 7) chronic feelings of emptiness, 8) explosive anger, and finally, 9) feeling suspicious or out of touch with reality such as constant feelings of paranoia about others’ motives.

Since then, I’ve been on my journey of self-discovery, healing, and love.

To be completely transparent, I still feel lonely at times even after years of therapy and DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy). Today I am 33 years old. My life for the most part has improved. I cut down on alcohol. I’m in my first healthy relationship with someone who I went to high school with. He is a bright shining light in my life who always makes me laugh and motivates me to be better. I have two supportive best friends that love and accept me for who I am. I landed my first role in cybersecurity and am well on my way to having my dream career. I learned healthy communication skills and to not take things too personally anymore. However, I still struggle with managing my emotions. I get triggered from time to time, but I no longer let it cloud my positive thinking or take away all the hard work I put into building a good life for myself.

I accept that I may never be “fixed” or completely healed. Every day I’m going to have to put in more work than an average person to manage my life, and that’s completely okay. Accepting my diagnosis was the hardest part, but learning more about it has helped me understand myself better. Now I don't feel so misunderstood or alone anymore.

I want every borderline to know that you can live a happy and healthy life. Don't give up. It'll get better. I wholeheartedly believe that because it happened to me, as I know it will for you.

#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #BPD #Recovery #MentalHealth #IfYouFeelHopeless #selfcare #Selfharm #MightyTogether #Anxiety #Depression