Recovery

For decades I've been in survival mode, adjusting my reactions to what was demanded of me.
Now that I'm being my own designer of life, it feels heavy. Making my own decissions and following them - with the old voices still in my ear. And people who still think they have access to all I do and say.

I am going to share something that has changed my life forever. To some it might sound like a lie, before reading I want to add a big trigger warning for: self-harm, attempted murder, mental abuse, murder of animal, blood

On Christmas 2024 I was in Romania with family. Everyone was sleeping expect for me and my aunt. She drank that night and we were having a deep talk. She told me about her life in the past and I hugged her. I felt comfortable with sharing my scars that I had on my leg. Her reaction was so cruel I will never forget.

She started laughing and asked me if I wanted more scars. After i shook my head she said we should go out and smoke a cigarette. We went out and I saw her taking knives with her. 3 to be exact wrapped in a towel. When I saw it I went to the bathroom and texted a close friend of mine but got no answer. I went back to see her in the room where they killed a pig since that is tradition in Romania.

I would like to explain the view I had. You enter the kitchen and on your left there is a wall aready, in front of you there is a big stove from old times with a fireplace etc. On the right there is a sofa with a table next to it. Pig parts hanging on ropes like wet clothes you put out to try and instead of water dripping on the floor it was blood. There was blood everywhere. My aunt was sitting there smoking with the knives placed next to her.

She took one knife out and told me to hurt myself infront of her. After I obvs said no she pulled her pants down and started cutting herself. I was forced to watch her because otherwise she would cut herself more. The third time she cut herself she took a bigger knife and thats when I finally found my words to tell her to stop. Then she looked at me and placed the knife on her throat forcing me to kill her. She repeated herself multiple times telling me to kill her.

I left the room and she followed me outside whispering like a creep that I should talk to her because she is there for me. I told her I was going to sleep but I didnt sleep all night. Instead I was looking for numbers, websites, chats to get help somehow. In the morning I asked me sister to get me to our apartment since it took place at my grandmas place. She didnt take me and i didnt want to tell her what happend.

I couldnt eat anything that day and grandma got worried. Later that day my aunt apologised as if she didnt traumatise me forever. I told my sister and then we left. I texted my aunt and I told her that I want nothing to do with her anymore. Until this day I think about it.

My mind went crazy and I even thought about what wouldve happened if I did it. I had the chance and it could look like suicide. I am not a murderer and Im not having these kinds of thoughts anymore. Today I just hate her and I will never face or speak to her again.

I want to go back to Romania but I went there last year and got anxiety like really bad. I felt nauseous and fainted. Im afraid I can never go back there and honestly I dont think I can nor want to. The only thing I miss is the puppy we got there last year. I want to see him again because he brought me so much joy.

Is it trauma? Is it PTSD? I dont know but again it feels good being able to write this detailed and how its not affecting me as much as it used to be.
Thank you for your time reading this.

#MentalHealth #Depression #PTSD #Recovery #Anxiety #Trauma

I have had depression since I was 12 but no one acknowledged it because i was young and hitting puberty so they blamed it on that. That was until I got really sick last year. My eating disorder started 2-3 years ago and because it was untreated I developed anxiety last year. It started with stomach pain on April and went to the hospital for a week but i got no results. On August after my 17th Birthday it hit me. I felt nauseous constantly, I was shaking all the time, threw up, didnt eat, stomach pain etc. At first I was at the hospital because of my health and they had to check it has nothing to do with my physical health. I spent several weeks in diferent hospitals until October.

They gave me temporary medicine which barley helped and I still had panic attacks etc. I will post another Story about my traumas detailed since I know a lot of people struggle with similar stories. After I finally got therapy once a month they gave me Setraline which made me feel way better but I still didnt feel like myself. I was then sent to the mental hospital and stayed there for a month (daycare). Since I was still a student I had to do internships so I choose the animal shelter for a week because animals are therapy (at least for me) after that I had another internship at the hospital because I wanted to help people the way I wanted to be helped.

While I was sick in 2025 I was at my lowest and I was sure I had no future. I was so isolated I did not feel alive anymore. I used to hurt myself and had suicidal thoughts almost every day because I was done surviving and I just wanted it to end. I was trapped with my mental health and it was eating me alive. I was in bed all the time. The daycare and interships got me out of bed and yes it was hard at first but it got me back on my feet. Thats the push I needed to get better. I started to apply for my dream job at a law firm and got accepted a few months later. I am so proud to say that recovery is possible and that it will always get better it just takes time.

I am now feeling so so so much better I cant believe it. My scars are proof that I am stronger than ever because I am now working for one of the biggest law firms international and the biggest in Germany. I got my semicolon tatooed, it is small but it has a huge meaning. I am still taking Setraline and I am writing this because I want to encourage and help people recover. I know its difficult but it will get better i promise. I will post much more tips and stories about me. It is so important to me to help people because mental health matters!!!!

I am new to this app and im not sure if you can private message here but if anyone just needs advice, a listener or even just someone to not feel alone I will try my best to help. I dont want to act like a wannabe therapist. I want to be a friend who understands and been through the same

Please take care of yourself and stay safe out there.

#MentalHealth #mentalhealthmatters #Anxiety #AnorexiaNervosa #Anorexia #EatingDisorder #BingeEatingDisorder #Depression #SelfharmRecovery #EatingDisorderRecovery #Recovery #PTSD