It has been an interesting 🤨 experience- having covid .
Having that virus 🦠 in my body makes me feel weird.
Ever since my horrible time in the mental health hospital (which I boldly call the Insane Asylum) something went Click. The place was cold, old, dirty, and in some areas, moldy. I had a horrible experience, and it was not theraputic at all.
According to my recent therapy appointments since I have left the facility, I have changed. I am almost hardened. Things are not as impactful to me anymore the way they used to be. I am not #Bothered by things like I used to be. #BipolarDisorder seems to have nearly vanished. I have had zero symptoms. This is where I come up with the idea that something in my mind went "CLICK." I don't know what this is, but It is not bad. I feel like after the hellish experience I had, that I am no longer the same person that I was before. I feel stronger, no thanks to the facility, but rather the practice of telling myself to stay strong and behave and not show any emotions so I could go back home safely.
I remember when I was there, I had thought that it was interesting how I had comforted my mom. I told her that I would have lots of stories to share with her once I was home.
It was like jail. Only being allowed to use the phone briefly per day was like jail. I couldn't believe my eyes at the things I saw, and still have a food aversion to Ham (yes.. ham as in lunch meat!) They literally had served it for a breakfast, lunch, and dinner. One time being a soft taco, with a slice of ham, and a slice of cheese rolled up. That was breakfast. And then the same for lunch and dinner. I felt like I was in the twilight zone!
Anyway... I am so #thankful to be home. And I never ever want to go back to place like that. Ever.
I’ve come a long way, from wheelchair, to walker, to cane which I only seem to need in busy or stimulating environments. I’m recovering suicidal psychosis #SuicidalOCD and #NeurologicalDisorder caused by never-treated #LymeDisease
Nine months before I lost control of my body, 10 months before it became difficult to speak, and 15 months before a doctor finally figured out this diagnosis—the first symptom was a horrific psychosis.
For 22 months I’d see non-stop pictures and movies of me ending my life. This was different from suicidal ideation I'd experience as a child and throughout most of my adult life, suicidal thoughts I was able to stop with years of counseling and #EyeMovementDesensitizationAndReprocessingThe only thing—after 22 months—that changed my psychosis from constant, to rhythmic, to often, to periodical, to occasionally, was #ElectroconvulsiveTherapy . Since my ECT, I’ve gone from seeing the images non-stop, to 100 times a day, to 50, to 20, to 10, to 5, to where I’ve been for 3 months which is 0-to-5 times a day.
At first I could only use a knife while my husband was watching. With exposure therapy, I've been trying to teach my brain, and teach me, that I won't hurt myself with the knife, just because I’m seeing it, and certainly not because I’m holding it. This is how I got the pictures down to 5 times a day, then down to 0-to-5 times a day.I'm cooking so much now, using a knife by myself, that my elbow hurts, especially from mincing garlic. I've come such a long way. #recovering
My husband said something today that triggered a memory of something so catastrophic I was never even able to bring it up in therapy. It happened about 15 years ago and I’m confident it won’t recur . Yet it triggered me so badly I’ve been shaking ever since. I hate how I feel. I hate the reminder that I’m recovering from domestic abuse. I hate the fact that fifteen years later it still makes me feel so yucky. Help me climb out of this misery #DomesticAbuse #recovering #tryingsodamnhard #miserable #triggered #forgiveand ...
I’m a little over a month post-op. A week post biopsy (another body part) I’m still so not at baseline. I feel like I’m fighting through jello to get through the day. My scars kill, my stomach hurts, my whole self is sore.. I have no patience to still be so far off my game(it’s not like on my game is that hot)
I just had a panic attack but I'm better. idk what changed it was just one day I started trusting God to help me and myself to calm me down. My anxiety has been...more controlled I guess you could say. I haven't self-harmed in days...the bruises are healing and I'm truly feeling better. #Anxiety #Disorder #Depression #panic #attack #Selfharm #recovering #beenbetter
Indescribable, unimaginable, and completely not ok.
How I’ve gone from where I was back then to where I am today.
Nothing can distract me from the pain that just won’t cease
Intermittent bits of happiness are just not enough release.
But I’ll just keep on going and pretend there’s nothing I’d prefer
And feign contentment while longing still for a life that doesn’t hurt.
And I’ll get dressed each morning, play the role, & paint my face.
While I work so hard to hold back tears from streaming down my face.
Held captive inside my own body I am begging for reprieve
From the judging damning eyes who say “you look just fine to me.”