rejection sensitive dysphoria

When you hear about a women threatening suicide with a break up you think he left her and she threatened it to scare him from leaving her.

That wasn't the case in my situation, you see, I packed my things up, I called my dad to pick it up, I said I was leaving but I also then threatened suicide.

Confused yet? Yup so was I.

Just short of 13 years and he was not only letting me leave, he was ready to help pack the car. Not only did he not give any sort of care that our whole lives were shattering, but my daughter, his step daughter was choosing to stay.

Nothing felt right, nothing felt like I wanted or could live it anymore. The look in his eyes as he was almost relieved to have me finally gone, and he gets the only thing he loved in the relationship as the cherry on top, my daughter.

I'm not proud of the moment but I grabbed a coat hanger and headed to the backyard, I put it around my neck and twisted. To me this was away from most prying eyes of neighbors and far from my daughter inside the house.

Since he followed me out there he coaxed me to stop and a lot is a blur in the moment, but he went and told my daughter (whom I was trying to shield in my own way from the moment by doing it outside) that I had tried to kill myself and to call my mom and if she didn't answer then to call the police.

I was unaware of this. Myself and him were sitting on the porch talking and he brought me my weed to smoke (looking back I think this was to further discredit me when the police arrived)

The police pulled up and my heart sank, the police officer was condecending and made me feel worse about everything. Apparently his suggestion to him was to change the locks. 13 years and my daughter in those walls and that's what it came down to, locks changed behind my back.

It all stemmed from a really bad year after leaving a job that meant alot and a lawsuit that followed. Depression and anxiety that destroyed me and not ever hearing the words I love you directed at me after 13 years and all we had been through, and I longed for that, I NEEDED to hear those words to feel safe, I craved it deep in my soul and the anniversary of my grandmothers death that I never fully got over him not being at the funeral for. The whirlwind turned me into a mess, that I still am cleaning up.

It was everything all at once and needing to communicate and not being able to be heard when I tried.

Being kept at a distance because I would never be what he wanted me to be.

Years later I'm still not myself, my relationship with my daughter is very strained, and I am so very lonely.#Anxiety #Depression #RejectionSensitiveDysphoria #lost #Drowning #lonely 🩷DN

Stimming can be funny sometimes. I do a lot of verbal stimming. So a few times a day I'll sing the corn song from tiktok "It's corn! A big lump with knobs. It has the juice! (It has the juice) I can't imagine a more beautiful thing. It's corn! I can tell you all about it! I mean, look at this thing! When I tried it with butter, everything changed!" My spouse always laughs and now often joins me for this one. I'll also randomly say "woohoo!" (I play a lot of Mario Kart) And I hum one of the Pokémon route songs from the older games (can't remember which) What is one way you notice yourself stimming or what are some funny stims you have?
#neurodivergent #neurodiverse #Neurodiversity #NeurodevelopmentalDisorders #IntellectualDisability #IntellectualDisabilities #LearningDisability #LearningDisabilities #Disability #ADHD #audhd #Autism #AutismSpectrumDisorder #AspergersSyndrome #Aspergers #SensoryProcessingDisorder #Anxiety #Depression #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder #MentalHealth #Spoonie #MightyTogether #CheckInWithMe #DistractMe #Dyslexia #Dyscalculia #Dysgraphia #Dyspraxia #TouretteSyndrome #Hyperlexia #RejectionSensitiveDysphoria #RSD