I feel proud of myself but lost at the same time. My relationship with my best friend has been strained for five weeks. This friction mainly started because I got paranoid that he hated me when he said we couldn't hang out because of COVID. I did some stupid self-destructive things over the month where he wasn't talking to me on and off. Because I felt so out of control and full of self-hatred. I was too clingy, calling and texting too much asking for reassurance that he didn't hate me. He never gave me that and said, every time I reached out I just pushed him further away. Everything came to a head two Sundays ago. He was a dick, I asked for validation, he said he "wasn't playing that game anymore," I called too many times desperate to understand what he meant, and he threatened to block my number.
After speaking to my therapist about this she said my only hope of saving this relationship is to not talk to him and that I need to know that I am good enough on my own--without external validation (no matter what my intrusive thoughts say). That rang so true to me. I realized that though my extreme reactions come from past traumas I have the agency to act differently and be okay with myself. This week I've been working on putting this into action and recognizing, not fighting, my inner child.
Anyway, I'm frustrated because I want to tell my friend that I can now manage the behaviors he needed a break from...but I can't contact him. He sent me a couple of Reddit posts last week and we played DnD (online) with our friends and everything seemed fine...but it's now been five days since we spoke and I'm just frustrated and sad. I can't tell him our relationship will be healthier and I'm scared there is no relationship to save. Thanks for listening. Comments/advice is appreciated :)