Selfish

My original wedding date was September 13, 2020. We had everything planned and mostly paid for. Then Covid-19 rolls in... we agreed to postpone our wedding to September 2021. Then my aunt, who was basically my mom, she raised me.. became very ill. She had been fighting cancer for two years. I didn't know what the next year looked like, and I wanted her to be part of my day. We went ahead and got married in a very small ceremony with just our immediate family in attendance. My aunt unfortunately ended up in the hospital just days before, and was unable to attend. We had someone Skype her, and after the wedding we surprised her at the hospital (in my dress, my husband's suit, the whole shebang). She passed away in December.

The plan was always to have a "sequel" wedding, and have our big ceremony we had planned. But I can't seem to get my mind around it. I feel selfish. My husband said its almost like a "fake ceremony" because we are already married. One of my best friends is getting married a month later, and I feel like I'm taking away from her. Its not fair for me to have two weddings, right? But at the same time, I'm heartbroken, and honestly pretty jealous, because I never got those big moments. I didn't get my bridesmaids and I getting ready together. I didn't have a special moment of someone zipping my dress. We didn't get to have the big celebration we planned. Don't get me wrong, I loved our mini-money. But I'm still heartbroken. My friends either agree that its weird to have the second wedding, or they disagree and say "you deserve this!" But I absolutely do not feel like I deserve this.

If we had not already paid for almost everything for this big celebration, we would definitely cancel. But the venue, photographer, DJ, baker, dinnerware... all of that is paid for. My bridesmaids already have their dresses and shoes and accessories. If we cancel I feel its necessary to pay back everyone who has paid for something for this wedding. (Bridesmaids, the dinnerware was partially gifted, the photographer was paid for by my parents, someone bought our invitations as a gift)

I'm torn. Do I go through with this "sequel" wedding celebration, or is it selfish since we already got married? I'm beyond frustrated, and don't know what to do.

#COVID19
#Wedding
#WeddingPlanning
#Selfish
#frustration
#Anxiety

How is it that someone you love can turn around and complain to you, and yet not ask you how you are or how’s your day been?
I’m currently out with a head cold, and he didn’t believe me when I told him.
It’s been going on for ages, yet I feel selfish when I go to say something.
He snaps at me when I don’t reply, yet when he doesn’t reply to my messages, I don’t say anything because it feels wrong. #Depression #Selfish #relationship #Anxiety

There is a family a block and a half away hosting a house party with loud raunchy music and a DJ my house is vibrating and I’m a block and a half removed. I can only imagine closer.. this is so wrong . I alerted the cops and still nothing

On struggling in a second marriage and have found the co parenting and relationship so difficult as of late.
I've endured nights on the sofa and several awkward times. Ive ended up at my moms through my choice.

I dont know what to do for the best.
The marriage or myself

i've forgotten my lesson again this is the secound time in a few months that it has happened. the first time i stresed thinking that my teacher was going to repromand me i made a tin of cookies and apologysed to her she just brushed it off and said it was ok. but to me it wasnt ok i forgot a comitment i showed myself to be unreliable. but even after that i felt i had apologised and attempted to make amends and that it was ok. but this time i didnt even have a reason other then i forgot. i feel like garbage and ive been thinking how can i make it up to her making her wait around and never showing up and i feel i cant, because how many times can you say sorry and have it still mean im sorry. i now think that she believes im unreliable and that she has lost respect for me in the process or thinks that i dont respect her or her time because of it. after the first time ive been trying harder ive even been showing up early and i even set alarms on my phone half an hour earlier then i need them. i dont know what else i can do and im not sure how i can say that im sorry again every time it gets harder. she doesnt deserve to be treated like that i didnt do it on purpose but its still all my fault. i feel like even asking on here or looking for someone to respond, im just trying to make myself feel better or to get some one to tell me its alright or some other nonsense to pass the buck i dont know. #Seekingadvice #Anxiety #Responsibility

From such an early age, my mother always told me that I was a selfish child, that I only did things if it benefited me in some way. That I always thought about myself and to hell with everyone else.

So I tried so damn hard not to be a selfish person! I would always give the very best of myself to anyone and everyone, never thinking that it was enough. Now I've been diagnosed with bpd, depression, anxiety and dissociation, I feel even more of responsibility to others. It's like I feel like I am constantly tiptoeing on egg shells around people for fear of making them uncomfortable, or being accused of playing on my diagnosis. I dont want to be that person that attributes all of my behaviour to my diagnosis. it's now got to the point that I dont know how I'm supposed to act. I feel so lost!

I have a friend who is bipolar, (in fact she is my ex's gf but we've become friends) and I always seem to be on her timetable in the sense that when she wants to meet I'm there because I want to support her but then she'll end up cancelling everytime. She'll go quiet for weeks at a time making me think that she has a problem with me which then triggers me and then she'll pop up out of the blue and I'm there like a fucking lost little puppy wagging its tale because she's shown an interest. But what hurts the most, is that my ex is there for her. I don't have feelings for him, but it just hurts so much because I dont have anyone there for me in the same capacity. It hurts because I feel so lonely and I cant make the pain stop.

My friend always says that she's there for me and that I'm not alone, she knows what its it's like. So when am I able to break down? When can I show people that I've been triggered instead of always trying to hiding it? sometimes I just want to disappear for days or weeks at a time and cry myself to sleep at times but I can't because I'm supposed to be me and I apparently can't do that. That's what it feels like anyway. It feels like I'm only allowed to cry for 10-15 mins and that's it! Dry your eyes girl and carry on! But sometimes I can't, sometimes I don't want to! Sometimes I want to break down and scream but I can't, and this is where I start to envy those people who have someone looking after them... I want that! Does that make me selfish? Does that make me a bad person?

#Borderline Personality Disorder
#Tr Depression
#Anxiety
#Tiredofbeingtired
#Selfish
bag

I’m not wanting to take my meds this AM. I am nauseated and tired and cranky. I haven’t showed for a while bunch of days. self care would be a good Christmas present to myself, but no motivation. I tried drinking coffee and just regurgitated it. Have carols on radio. Maybe will help put me in mood.