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I have hurt everyone I love and care about. I want nothing but to love, care for and support them but I always end up acting abusive toward them, inflicting pain and giving them no option but to walk away. I have done terrible things, none of them illegal or intentional but I take full responsibility for it. This is a burden I must live with for as long as God keeps me here. I would never want to burden my family further by having to deal with the aftermath of a suicide. I am just dying inside. No more blaming any diagnoses for my bad behavior. If this post puts a burden on you, I apologize. #Grief #sorrow #Pain #Abuse #Responsibility #Burden #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder

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And the pattern continues...

I just hurt another person due to my BPD. Whether it is intentional or not, it is still my behavior and I must accept the responsibility and respect their decision to walk away. If I ever hurt one of you due to it know it is never intentional and you have every right to walk away. #TheMighty #MightyTogether #MentalHealth #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Responsibility

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Back to #Work

I took a week off work for my recent trip (see previous posts), and then got sick over the weekend and have barely worked this week so far. The thing is, I don't want to go back.

I think I figured out today what the main issue is: I understood that 90% of my role would be centred on certain tasks and responsibilities (that I wanted to do), but that is working out to be only about 20% of it. I did ask for a job description before accepting this role 1.5 years ago (I have been a bit slow to process how I'm feeling about my job haha), but my boss said she didn't really follow it. Honestly, if the ratio was even 50-50, I would be more OK with it. My boss has been in her role for almost 30 years, so she is unlikely to shift the way she does things at this point.

So, here's what I'm thinking of doing. I know that it is going to be difficult to hire a replacement for me (one of our other locations has been looking for two years), and I also don't have another job lined up or even know what to apply for. My thought is to tell my boss that she should start looking for a replacement, but that I will stay until the end of quarter 2 (June 30) if she needs me. This way, both of us have space to explore what we need, but I at least have a definite end date.

Is this a good idea or am I just drawing things out unnecessarily? (Note that while talking about other job options with my sister yesterday I had to cut the conversation off because my anxiety got so bad I almost couldn't breathe.) I don't see my therapist until next week, but we have talked about my stress about work before many times.

#Work #Job #Responsibility #Quit #movingforward #MentalHealth #Depression #Anxiety #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder

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Why holding abusers accountable matters

They say hurt people hurt people. While this is sometimes true, it isn't a free pass to abuse others. We can be empathetic to the abuse others have endured without condoning their actions that harm others. Those of us who have experienced abuse often turn our shame and blame inward. It's critical that we place that responsibility where it belongs, with our abusers.

Being Abused as a Child Is Not a Free Pass to Abuse Others

Has anyone ever tried to minimize your abuse by giving your abuser a free pass? How did that make you feel? What would you like them to know about why that's hurtful?

#Trauma #PTSD #CPTSD #accountability #blame #Responsibility #victimblaming #Shame

Being Abused as a Child Is Not a Free Pass to Abuse Others

"To suggest a one-to-one correlation stigmatizes survivors."


Hi I’m new here, and I’m desperately seeking for help. I was in an abusive relationship for two years (physically and emotionally) while I was succeeding in leaving, I met this girl, who kinda saved me and helped me get that final push to get out of it. I didn’t know how much I was traumatized from that relationship and had a long way to accept and heal, but didn’t take the time to and jumped into a relationship with this girl.
I emotionally abused her as well, I was hurt and traumatized and couldn’t accept and take responsibility for what I was doing to her. I just wanted all to stop so I constantly left, My brain was wired for fight or flight. Everything got very bad, she started hurting herself. And it got to a point that I started hurting myself as well, something I had never done before.
I had to end this relationship, but we haven’t been able to go our separate paths.
She wants me to heal all the damage I caused her. And I really do want to help her, I have been going to therapy, reading and making myself aware, recognizing my mistakes to her and apologizing, doing my best to change my behavior. But I have no idea how to heal her. I just need help to find a way to heal her, I don’t want her to be hurting anymore. And I don’t want to hurt myself either. #BPD #Trauma #Responsibility #Healing #Selfharm



Did you know Sabarmati river originated from Udaipur?

I did not know. But I am an outsider. I did not find a local who did not think that Sabarmati does not belong to Ahmedabad. They call it, ‘gatar ka pani’ and scoff for the tourist’s benefit or perhaps to disassociate themselves with the river but it belongs to Ahmedabad, an unsaid possession in their eyes.

This apparent disclaimer makes one wonder at the people sitting at the riverfront, beside the river, on one long stretch of bench along its bank. In the morning, middle aged couples take a walk, youngsters and individuals cycle in groups or alone using the rent a cycle service, in the evening, students sit here, writing and designing, one boy will always be found playing a guitar. And the night belongs to quiet walks, cycles and lovers. The unique feeling that each of them carry is, no body wants to disturb the tranquility in the air. And that’s why perhaps, there is no one harassing the couples here, also credit due to the police patrol van.

Today, in 2020, a peaceful solitude in the cold evening, watching the water flow, I marvel at its maintenance, despite Ganesh Chaturthi, sewage and plenty other unknown reasons to me, the river has been routinely given a bath.

And now I heard, Prime minster Narendra Modi landed in Ahmedabad, via a seaplane from Kevadia colony to Sabarmati Riverfront, which is now base to a water aerodome, the ‘gatar ka pani’ is an international celebrity.

Take responsibility to convert something hopeless into something beautiful. It is our fear of mistakes that hold us back. But what if, leaders thought so?

“I make mistakes like the next man. In fact, being–forgive me–rather cleverer than most men, my mistakes tend to be correspondingly huger.”

                                    - Albus Dumbledore.

#leadership #Responsibility #Depression #Inspiration


#Unreliable #Selfish #Anxiety

i've forgotten my lesson again this is the secound time in a few months that it has happened. the first time i stresed thinking that my teacher was going to repromand me i made a tin of cookies and apologysed to her she just brushed it off and said it was ok. but to me it wasnt ok i forgot a comitment i showed myself to be unreliable. but even after that i felt i had apologised and attempted to make amends and that it was ok. but this time i didnt even have a reason other then i forgot. i feel like garbage and ive been thinking how can i make it up to her making her wait around and never showing up and i feel i cant, because how many times can you say sorry and have it still mean im sorry. i now think that she believes im unreliable and that she has lost respect for me in the process or thinks that i dont respect her or her time because of it. after the first time ive been trying harder ive even been showing up early and i even set alarms on my phone half an hour earlier then i need them. i dont know what else i can do and im not sure how i can say that im sorry again every time it gets harder. she doesnt deserve to be treated like that i didnt do it on purpose but its still all my fault. i feel like even asking on here or looking for someone to respond, im just trying to make myself feel better or to get some one to tell me its alright or some other nonsense to pass the buck i dont know. #Seekingadvice #Anxiety #Responsibility