Smoking

I haven't had a cigarette since September 2nd. Yeah I'm vaping but I got myself down to 6mg juice. And I just meditated for 3 hours and didn't vape.

I didn't have a migraine today.

I'm slowly getting comfortable with aspects of sexuality after 6 years of sexual repulsion after a traumatic rape. Well...kinda. but now I want to invest in googly eyes.

I had to order a replacement lid for my big water bottle. The gasket got moldy. And pauley attempted to bleach the silicone parts of the old lid and they started melting. The bottle is black and the new lid is baby blue. I just finished drinking 40oz of a mix of piña colada juice and cucumber limeade juice mix. It was so refreshing.

I can see some of the tendons on top of my right foot. I've got moderate bilateral lymphedema. The lasix has been really helping. Except now I'm peeing every 45 minutes. Oh well.

#Smoking #Migraine #sexualaversion #hydration #Lymphedema

There’s a chapter in my book detailing my love affair with cigarettes (yes, that’s a shameless book plug but trust I have a point) and if I’m being honest, it is a battle that comes up quite often.

And it comes up most often in times of stress and if there is one thing I have been experiencing in the recent present…it’s stress.

I mean- but aren’t we all.

Anyway.

Raising kids is hard and I think raising teens might be harder. Navigating this world that gives us access to all the things presents its own unique challenges and throw in the fact that we are technology-parent-pioneers…

…well let’s just say mistakes are made and tears are shed.

My go to for a quick stress release has always been cigarettes and I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t effective so trust when I say no judgement, smokers.

However, in my experience, relief in the short term doesn’t always provide relief in the long term.

There’s-like-research and stuff that says smoking causes all kinds of problems like lung disease and cancers and just a host of things that if I had a choice- I wouldn’t choose and I guess the truth is I do have a choice.

Not to mention, those teens I’m raising, they’re watching.

They’re noticing.

They are taking stock at how their mother handles stress and if she chooses unhealthy coping mechanisms well then it kind of passively permits them to do the same.

Short story long- a few months ago I picked cigarettes back up because the stress of it all begged for release and when my kids started questioning why there was a smell of smoke (because you can’t hide that stench no matter the effort) I decided that they deserved a better role model and that prompted me to want to make a different choice.

My feed has been full of other accounts sharing the magic of running and the way it can help the mind and let me tell you that I am open to a lot of things but running has always been an “are you insane” proposition but per usual the influencers were effective at influencing.

I decided to start running. Well, if we’re being honest, it is more of a slow jog.

But now I’m signed up for my first 5K and I have been reconnecting with a friend who runs who also happens to offer beautiful support in the hard and my kids have been joining me on occasion and I *think* the long term benefits of running are just better than the consequences of smoking.

Ok. I know they are.

Anyway. I am sharing this to tell you how easy it is to choose a quick release.

A bad habit.

An unhealthy coping mechanism.

It’s easy because instant gratification.

But y’all, we’ll pay for that quick release in the long run (oh would ya look at that pun) Yes, it is harder to choose movement over cigarettes but it does feel better.

I am finding joy in something that never would I ever have thought could be joyful and I just want to tell you that the draw to substances (like nicotine) is powerful but so are we.

It is all hard friends. But- even if it doesn’t feel like it- we get to choose our hard.

Keep going. I promise you’ll be glad you did.
#MentalHealth #Recovery

I love dogs. Always have.
I hate leaving our dogs when we go on vacation, and this morning is no different as I say goodbye to our sad and sleepy Golden.
Walking through the airport on one of the busiest travel days of the year, I envy people bringing their dogs, ribbons and festive scarves around their harnesses and leashes.
My disabled adult son, however, is totally terrified.
The simplest way to explain his reaction is that when a dog barks, Charlie’s anxiety skyrockets and he physically recoils spiraling quickly into a full blown panic attack.
Will the dog bark?
Will the dog bark again?
Where is it?
Which way is it going?
Am I safe?
It can take Charlie hours to recover emotionally and physically from an attack triggered by a barking dog. And, unfortunately, today we see 6 dogs en route to our gate, only one a service animal. They are all quiet, well-behaved and honestly add to the happy excitement of families gathering for the Christmas holiday.
But then we hear the 7th dog, a shaggy, little pup sticking its head out of a carrier. The AirPod-wearing owner is seemingly oblivious, even as many passengers turn to see what’s happening. My husband and I glance at each other, and then at Charlie who sees the dog but is working hard to maintain calm.
Unfortunately the pup keeps barking non-stop, yip-yip-yip-yip-yip-yip all the way down the very long echo chamber concourse. There is no escape.
The damage is done, and we frantically search for an airport lounge or quiet zone for Charlie to calm.
But let’s pause here for a moment as I am pretty certain I can hear readers thinking: give him anxiety meds, have him wear headphones, don’t travel with him.
Let me clarify that Charlie has tried all three options and many, many more at different times of his life. What I can share is that medication makes him inconsistently woozy, headphones hurt his ears and head and leaving our son behind on a family vacay is heartbreaking.
Especially because Charlie French loves to travel.
He is an adventurer. He is a 33-year old man who works very hard for primarily three financial rewards: vhs tapes, gifts for the siblings he loves and flying Business Class.
No matter how bad of a trip we have experienced, Charlie eventually wants to try to go out in the world again.
Arriving at our gate we encounter a family with 4 small dogs waiting to board. A 5th pup comes inside from the decking at the end of the concourse where I see an outdoor seating area, and surprisingly, a giant pee pad.
Pretty nice.
I glance at Charlie struggling to find equilibrium staring at all the little dogs and their entourage of humans.
Why isn’t there a space for Charlie? And other individuals with sensory challenges or auditory processing needs? How can public spaces support these humans?
Accessing public areas seems like something everyone in society should be able to achieve fairly easily. Right?
There are children’s areas in airports Lounges have games and spaces for teens. There are notifications about food allergies at restaurants and food courts. There are family restrooms and baby changing rooms. There are smoking areas. There are carts assisting travelers with mobility issues. And, there are pee pads.
I won’t presume to speak for the disability community on how to problem solve this issue (#nothingforuswithoutus), but I can share Charlie’s perspective: I don’t want to hear barking dogs. I want it to be quiet.
Well, we pre-board (hooray for accommodations), take our seats in disappointing First Class (if it isn’t Business, Charlie is always a bit bummed), and wouldn’t you know it: 2 pups and their owners are just behind us.
Not sure how this trip will turn out, but I am proud of my brave son who continues to go out in a challenging society to chase his desires despite the hurdles he faces.
Here’s hoping the air bnb doesn’t have any barking dogs nearby!

This is my mother Joann
on linen that I dyed in tea water until it was the right shade of brown.Picture of her taken in 1921.
I named my second daughter after her. I miss them both.
This is embroidery which I designed. Still stitching, not smoking!

Here is a piece of needlework self designed and stitched by me!
To keep from smoking!

Hello Mighty warriors. I left the Mighty for a while.
I was hospitalized for a week. I had two infections that wouldn't go away, so my doctor admitted me. They left me very confused for about 3 days . Because my veins are very small, the nurses had a very hard time starting IVs so my arms were all purple. I felt like I didn't have any real choices. And couldn't sleep! And my lips were terribly chapped.
Leaving, I had awful balance problems (I have ataxia)which was made worse. I lost 11 lbs
(121 to 110 lbs) and no appetite. And still couldn't sleep. And my lips hurt. My darling partner kept my dog Russell safe. So why leave?
I developed depression. I couldn't sleep. Still couldn't eat. My lips hurt.
I couldn't seem to get thru this. I couldn't read about depression, sad times and problems. Or listen to the news.
I had to focus on myself. I needed rest so I turned my phone off. Even with my walker, my walking was and is awful. Slowly, my depression has improved because I prayed to God asking for dealing with these feelings.
The photo is of my brother John (in vest) and wife Sandy, while on the right, my beloved Guy and finally me. I was talked into going out to eat.
I have much to be grateful for.
I try not to think too much about world events and my 3 granddaughters lives in the future. I'm at Guy's home still practicing walking. Russell ( my little dog)loves it here. I am loved and cared for by Guy.
However, my depression tries to return. Some nights I still can't sleep. It tries to sneak in. I have to make myself eat healthy foods. But I won't give in.
And dig this, I stopped smoking!!!! I still want to smoke (it's been 2 months). I do needlework to keep my hands busy. I wore a patch for a while.
Life is up and down for me sometimes. I never even knew I had not 1, but but 2 infections. I felt awful physically and mentally. It was awful. Guy and I have tickets to see Manheim Steamroller later this month!
I am not overwhelmed by the Christmas holidays.
It's terrible to have no control control sometimes. But I need to go the rough times in order to learn and appreciate the good times.
Sorry for the long post. Guess I just needed to share my feelings. Thanks for reading this. Peace out.🤘

This is the start of my morning routine.
The yellow is a rescue inhaler, I use 2 puffs of it first.
Then I proceed down the line.
Small red is a combo steroid that promotes lung health
Grey tube is a combo steroid and broncodialator medication, it keeps my airways from closing completely on me even mid asthma attack
Finally the last one, big red, is a steroid that works hard to repair damage from when I was smoking.
I cannot exist without these. I cannot breathe

#Asthma #Lung