terminal illness

Have you seen Nightbirde's audition in AGT? She's a wonderful being. She has won many at this point of this competition and has won me as well.

While the judges were interviewing her before her performance, she said “It’s OK if you’re lost. We’re all a little lost, and it’s alright.” that hit me hard. I froze. I know that this resonates to me in a lot of ways.

I just learned recently that the company I am working for was sold and will start its transition in 2022. This big change will define 'loyalty' as people who were working in this company for years MIGHT face unemployment, including me. I know change could bring good things as well but mind wandered and rolled over the hills non-stop. The what-ifs poured in.

I got worried and of course anxious. I am in a middle of building the virtual training library of the said company. Usually, based from what I have read and experience, training is a list priority during the transition phase. It is considered as a cost in the corporate settings. And my mind still rolling, no directions at all. From being a little-to-lost to a totally-lost being. Again, heading to somewhere I do not know.

This song is keeping me 'okay' or as most of us would say 'getting by' in life now. This song reminds me that it is okay. it is okay. IT IS OKAY... everything will become better. I am writing this essay to help me process it, to at least be brave and face that this is going to happen, it is my reality at the moment. I know it is not easy but, everything will be okay again.

My heart goes to all of you who feels like they are a little to lost, or like me, totally lost in their life right now. There is help available for you, be brave. I know you can do it. Take that small little step to become better. I know you can do it. We can do it.

You can listen to her music - It's Okay by Nightbirde on this link - youtu.be/ehA_3AgT8HE. #Nightbirde #Itsokay #Anxiety #Depression #Music #musictherapy #TerminalIllness #UncurableDiseases

The pain can be insane
It becomes rather ingrained
In your daily existence
No point in putting up much resistance
It’s a permanent part of me
It’s par for the course at this point you see
But I’ll never truly get used to this
It can make all my plans go amiss
It took dreams I’d worked 22 years for
Only to have my life’s dreams locked behind closed doors
It’s acceptance that this is the way it is
Even though you wish to no longer be going through all this
Doctors, needles, medications, tests
When all you wish to get is rest
Listening to the results they find
Feeling like you’re slowly losing your mind
Wondering if there’s a lesson behind this
And if so, what’s the damned lesson I missed
If I learn it will this spell be broken?
Or have I just wishfully misspoken?
The answers remain unclear
But this is truly hell on earth, my dear
Chronic and terminal illnesses are no joke you see
They slowly eat away at your sanity
They make you question all you’ve ever known
Make you beg for mercy until these lessons are shown
Will you learn from them and grow as a person OR
Will you get trapped behind the closed doors
Of closed mindedness- refusing to learn
Until you find your ashes laying in that urn.
So open your eyes
Sure you can despise
The illnesses, but not the lessons they provide
It’s up to you to search yourself from the inside
And decide upon which path to take
Careful not to make a mistake
Because there’s no do overs in this thing called life
Watch out- that grim reaper is coming with his scythe.

Holy shit I’m fucking tired of it
People misconstruing the words that I put
In my posts lately
Understand I love you all greatly
But I’m sick of people not getting my intentions
When I mention
That I’m terminally ill
Seems maybe it’s a harder pill
For you all to swallow
All acting like I wallow
In my prognosis
All the while my diagnoses
Looms over my head

::Change of tone::

Don’t you get that soon I’ll be dead?
I have to lie in this fucking bed
So yeah I’m sick of hearing you say
How fucking hard your day
Was
All because
Of things happening in YOUR CONTROL
Things within your own damn pull
Now I realize I’m complaining
But I’m merely saying
That I AM here for you in your time of need
I’m not one filled with greed
But watch who you’re complaining to
Because there’s some things I just can’t soothe

I’m not trying to one up
But
It will ALWAYS seem that way
When I say what I need to say
Which greatly pisses me off, you know
Because compassion is what I actually try to show
If you have a disease that’s totally different
Your mood control- you sometimes can’t
But I’m not judging that you see
Rather I’m judging the drama queens
The ones who actually own control
The ones taking their own toll
On their emotions
They have such devotion
To being the victim you see
Something that completely seethes me

So stop thinking I’m one upping you all
Every time I call you out when you “fall”
I am merely trying to help you out
I hope my words hold some clout
They probably don’t
But I just won’t
Back down and be treated as a selfish being
For any of you to say that is just fucked up and mean
Just understand
I practically demand
You see
That I’m not trying to be
A one upper you see
That’s just NOT me
So STOP painting me in that light
Unless you’re up for one hell of a fight...
Just sayin’
I am no longer playin’
Stop making me look so bad
It’s pissing me off and making me both mad and sad.

21 September 2019