Abuse

Last post for context: What do I do…?? | TW mentions of stress dreams and one swear

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I’ve moved out of where I used to live with my mom and one of my older sisters (has 3 kids now) 2 years ago. I think because it’s summer break for my 2 older nephews, I’m now getting a lot more stress dreams related to my mom and my older sister (my mom was the persecutor of emotional abuse, and I never liked my sister since she’s similar and agrees with her often).

I dropped out of high school after sophomore year many years ago because of being constantly overstimulated and high levels of stress and meltdowns I’ve had over there (especially when constantly trying to get the best grades in a very unnecessarily strict school, horrible place for autistic individuals like me!!). After that, I’ve noticed that more stressful dreams came up after that and it was almost everyday that I’ve gotten them at that point. Now, for that theme, it isn’t too much, usually 1to 3 times a week.

Now, I’m getting these stress dreams related to my mom and older sister constantly ever since late June. Before then, it was a mix of dreams of school and mom and sister for 1 to 3 times a week. Even when I’ve had great days, nothing has changed, not even yesterday. If I’m right, these dreams may last until late August when my 2 older nephews go back to school again. I really fucking hope not, I can only carry so much. I really don’t want them to fucking last for that long, I hate getting them and I don’t want to fucking deal with them anymore. I’m sick of it. How the fuck as I supposed to look forward to sleep now?!

I worry that if this continues for longer, I’m going to start feeling suicidal again. I can already feel that happening as I’m already fucking sick of these dreams every fucking day (there had been like 2 or 3 days where I didn’t had them, not consecutively, either). Why do I even have to fucking deal with this? Why did my early life had to be like this?!

#OSTD #OtherSpecifiedTraumaDisorder #Trauma #StressDreams #MyAutismIsNotADisorder #MyAutismIsNotADisability #AutismSpectrum #Anxiety #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #Vent #triggerwarning #SuicidalIdeation #SuicidalThoughts #SuicideAttemptSurvivors #Autistic

Thought I’d “pop” in since I’m up early and waiting on that coffee to brew. Glad to see all the regulars and a big welcome to all the new members. I’ve read several of the newer post and Thomas ( the boss ) hit the nail on the head! He mentioned finding peace with ourselves in the midst of the battle going on around us. I don’t think I’ve ever read a more correct phrase like that since I’ve been a member here.BRB, the coffee is ready. OK back, there’s nothing better then that first cup of coffee ! While reading some of the post through the years, you come across members with easy fixes to their problems and some that are a little more complex then others. But the one thing in common is there all fixable! While working my way through college, I worked the grave yard shift at a crisis stabilization unit where they would bring in all the Baker Acts. In the year and a half or so, I can honestly say I’ve only seen 2 crazy people. ( Both are still in the state hospital if their still alive. When you get a chance, sit in a public area and “people watch”. I will bet 100% of the people you see have problems. They just learned how to cope with it. Or hide it. And then finally accept it. Yes they’re members here that counciling is needed. But look at the most common issues from members here, Depression, anxiety, low self esteem. Low self confidence, PTSD, substance abuse. Plus a few more. Guys/Gals these are all treatable. Don’t waste your entire life trying to “ feel perfect” it doesn’t exist. Learn how to feel comfortable! Some that don’t know me say who is he to make comments like this ? I’m the one who lost a career due to a injury that left me disabled. In Chronic pain, Who became a alcoholic ( 3 plus years completely sober now ) , So deep in that hole of depression that I thought many times of putting a bullet in my brain. PTSD ? 32 years as a FF/ Paramedic with a large Fire Department whose seen things that make horror shows look like comedies. But I don’t dwell on the bad I’ve seen, I dwell on the good outcomes. BRB 2nd cup of coffee coming up. Back lol. But slow down your life ! Take time and look at the Beauty that God has given us. Enjoy each day and moment as if it was your last day. I do hope that each and everyone here finds their inner peace ! Trust me when I say it’s in there if you look…David.

!!!TW!!! [Trigger Warning]: homicidal thoughts, animal abuse (!!childhood only and it was one incident!!), for pretty f*cked up things that happened in my childhood, and some that happen still. I'm sorry.

This will be a very long post, so feel free to skip it if you feel like it. I just don't know where else to post this anymore. Or how to go about getting help when nobody listens to me.

I don't know where to start. I feel like this life has never been worth living, despite not having it as bad as many other people currently. Thing is, I always manage to slip back into certain patterns and loops, and I'm tired. It diminishes the quality of my life greatly, and because of that I'd like to get help. But the problem is, it's so hidden that nobody considers it a problem. Not my close circle, or my SO, or even the psychologist I go to. Regardless, I feel like I have to explain my situation first. I think it all stems from my childhood, and my psychologist claims PTSD, so even though I don't believe it's only that, that's why I'm posting on this mental health platform.

My upbringing was mostly stressful. My parents were mostly absent, so my grandmother had to raise me. My grandma was always mean, moody, bossy and hot-headed. Since she was stuck with raising a child she didn't want to care for, she pretty much gave up on me. Refused to talk to me or appease my curiosity just as well as she failed to nourish my interests, beat me up whenever I'd refuse to eat something she'd made (because her cooking was god-awful and always had to contain raw meat which I despised back then (possibly why she felt she had to include it every time)). Constantly devalued, insulted my intelligence or even just doubted my ability to function. There were multiple attempts at gaslighting me about things I attributed to myself, some worked, some I saw through. Neglected me a lot emotionally while being hot and cold. Sometimes, she would do a 180, like when I'd start having major tooth pain and she would suddenly sympathize with me and genuinely feel for for me and make me sliced toast.

I think this was the basis for many things I feel (and don't feel) in my life currently. I detached from most of what I feel, never ever felt affective empathy in my life but pretended to, so she failed to instill that in me too I suppose. I always felt that my real self is dangerous to expose, so I created a false self instead, and now maintain it to the best of my ability. If it collapses externally, I collapse internally, cue another loop.

I do everything for short-term pleasure. I still do. It sucks because I can't maintain my connections because I just genuinely don't care about any of these people that walk into my life. I never truly bonded with anyone or liked them unconditionally and I struggle with expressing that to the outside world because I don't want to be found out.

It'll go great at first, like I'll be super charismatic because I'm amazing at talking to strangers because I'm never myself because I don't HAVE a self except the controversial one that would drive everyone away and so I hide it and everything looks good, but once that initial interaction with them becomes constant, I start thinking now that I have to be in character and it just kinda spoils them for me, so I ghost them.

If I can't ghost them and I still need to be in contact for whatever reason, and I'd witness the person does something that is a trigger to me - so whenever I'd perceive somebody think lowly of me, whether it'd be by underestimating me, taking me for granted, thinking I'm stupid, thinking they're better than me or more aware than me, misunderstanding me, misunderstanding the POINT of me or just plain not noticing me for a skill they'd normally notice in other people, I'd get these intense homicidal urges to just jump them because I'd start thinking that because they think that of me, they must be really self-absorbed (projection?) and because of that, "worthless" to me, and no longer deserved the time I attributed to the activity I was previously trying to make work with them. The same would happen if they started taking me for granted or just being arrogant for no reason, or they didn't and obviously still cared about me but in my head I perceived them to think of me as stupid.

Naturally I NEVER let anybody know about this, so nobody ever really suspected anything.

But it's still always a really miserable experience for me. I can't describe why it is, because I mostly don't feel anything during those times, so why should it be? But it's either an extremely good feeling in the form of a social high, or indifference, or this extremely unbearable feeling of indifference and alienation at the same time that more often that not makes me collapse and I have to excuse myself so nobody sees. Like I'll be socializing with them and suddenly I'll just feel alienated from them because they'll never understand me, they'll never see me in full authenticity, not because I oscillate between not wanting them to + exposing myself in full glory to get short-term satisfaction feelings (though that plays a part), but because they just have to BELIEVE that I'm this person my false self claims to be. They refuse to believe I could truly just not care about them unless they are beneficial to me in any way, they refuse to believe I could feel zero empathy because I always hide those things from them. It kills me inside because I want to be authentic with the world, but I can't because my authenticity would spell disaster for other people, on top of myself.

It also really doesn't help that I don't look threatening. I'm a woman, average height, with a ditzy persona. I have a sense of personal style which is quite eclectic, and all of this makes people open up to me naturally and in their mind we are great friends. When really it takes just one thing for me to go from indifference to despising them with all of my being to the point that I just want to strangle them for perceiving even once that they are thinking of me badly. But I still mask all of this, so like I stated multiple times in this post, nobody knows about this. End result, I come off completely unbothered and probably just like I have depression because I tend to cry really easily with anything (apathy, sadness, happiness, anger, jealousy, blinding rage....).

Or maybe they are just being ignorant of me because what do you mean I throw a family cat into the pool and nobody cares. Or my cousin into a nearby nettle field because I was jealous that her birthday was being celebrated unlike mine and although my folks are pissed, they don't take it as a sign that something is wrong (even though I was literally 8 years old at the time). Or I fully confess to the fact that I never felt empathy MULTIPLE TIMES, but just because I look like I do and I have a shit ton of cognitive empathy, everybody thinks I'm bluffing or delusional.

Fast forward to now and I just realize I genuinely despise most people I know. I'm extremely hyper aware about everything I do and it sucks, because I'm effectively a nobody in the end but nobody will ever know that, or even affirm that, because it looks different to the outside world. I'm selfish as fuck, but that's not me just being humble or depressed or anything, it's just genuine self-awareness. But I'll never get that confirmed. Not until I actually DO something that will warrant people to think I am the way I am. I don't want it to get to that point. I know exactly what kind of problem I have, but nobody wants to acknowledge that I do have it, and it's driving me insane. Please help me.

edit: grammar

#CPTSD #MentalHealth #Trauma #help #EmotionalNeglect #noempathy

I’m here because I dealt with a high level of emotional abuse, higher than average level of physical abuse, and witnessed a higher than average level of neglect growing up. I’ve continued to deal with abuse throughout my adult life and several therapists (last year) stated my trauma was beyond their ability to handle. ChatGpt recommended this website.

Hi, my name is dasruets. I'm here because I've just escaped an abusive marriage and am now dealing with the fallout.

#MightyTogether #Abuse #Anxiety #Depression #PTSD

Hello, I am new to this app. I recently learned that not only was I sexual and emotional abused as a child, but the abuse started at age 2. My ex step father groomed me until I was 17 years old. My mother finally divorced him in 2019, but enough damage had already been done to my sisters and I. I don’t feel anger or resentment anymore towards him, but I do feel it towards my Mom. I struggle to keep healthy relationship, especially romantic ones. I am suspicious of every single person I come into contact with, and I feel like my close friends and family don’t really know me. I feel like I don’t really know me sometimes. I don’t trust myself and I am struggling

The Reason I’m Still Here
By Jenn Dacey

For most of my life, I didn’t believe I had a future. I didn’t think I deserved one.
Since I was fifteen, I’ve struggled with severe mental illness — depression, bipolar disorder, and later, borderline personality disorder. The pain was overwhelming, and the darkness relentless. I survived nearly 50 suicide attempts, each one a desperate plea to end the suffering I carried deep inside. For decades, I couldn’t find a reason to stay.
But somehow, I’m still here. And I’ve finally stopped asking why. Now, I’m searching for what for.
Growing up, I never felt seen. I was bullied, silenced, and repeatedly invalidated. I experienced childhood trauma, including abuse by someone who was supposed to be a spiritual protector. No one acknowledged it. No one offered help. That betrayal shattered my sense of safety, trust, and self-worth. I was left to navigate a life I never felt equipped to live — constantly wondering what was wrong with me.
As an adult, I carried that pain into every area of my life. I struggled with addiction, broken relationships, estrangement from my children, and a total loss of identity. I couldn’t hold a job. I couldn’t maintain hope. I lived in survival mode, day after day, with no vision beyond simply enduring the next moment. I was lost.
On May 3 of this year, I made what I believed would be my final attempt to escape the weight of it all. But something happened. I woke up — still intubated — in an ICU bed. It was my 29th documented attempt. But this time was different. I didn’t feel numb or angry. I felt terrified. And then, I felt something I hadn’t felt in years: clarity.
That moment became my turning point. I realized I had to make a choice — not just to stay alive, but to finally take control of my healing. To stop waiting for someone else to fix what was broken and to start becoming the person I needed all along.
Seven weeks after that moment, I enrolled in community college. I chose Human Services as my major, with a focus on Drug and Alcohol Counseling. For the first time, I set goals — real ones. I met with my advisor. I planned my schedule. And I began to believe that maybe, just maybe, I could build a life rooted in purpose, not pain.
I also completed a Partial Hospitalization Program and finally started offering myself the grace I’ve always extended to others. For so long, I thought healing meant hiding my past. Now I know that true recovery means integrating it — using it as fuel, not a weight.
I’ve spent years in therapy, and while some tools helped, many didn’t go deep enough. I’m now exploring new, research-backed treatments like Spravato — an FDA-approved esketamine nasal spray for treatment-resistant depression. I’m no longer ashamed of needing help. In fact, it’s one of the bravest things I’ve ever done.
Today, I’m not just surviving. I’m rebuilding — piece by piece — a version of myself I never thought I’d get to meet. I’m learning to trust my instincts, speak my truth, and take up space in a world I used to believe didn’t want me in it.
This journey hasn’t been linear, and it’s far from over. I still grieve. I still long for reconciliation with my children. I still face hard days. But the difference now is that I don’t face them alone — and I don’t face them without hope.
If you’re reading this and you’ve ever felt invisible, voiceless, or too broken to begin again—please hear me when I say: it’s not too late.
You are not too far gone.
You are not beyond help or healing.
I’m living proof.
I used to believe I was born with a curse—to suffer.
Now I know: I was spared the curse, so I could serve.
To share.
To save—if only one person sees themselves in these words and chooses to stay one more day.
I don’t have all the answers.
But I have a reason now.
And every morning I wake up, I choose to live like I’ve been given one more chance to find out what that reason is—and to live it out loud.

#mentalhealthmatters #stillmatters #SurvivorStory #ThisPainHasPurpose
#healingjourney #Grief #ThisIsWhy #EndTheStigma #LiveAnotherDay #FromDarknessToLight #keepgoing #WhenNothingElseWorked #Spravato #strongerthanmystorm #SpravatoHope #writingtoheal