I was part of a Halloween walkabout (social distanced so don't worry) it was an arty fight night with fire performers, dancers, story telling, a band and loads more in an old graveyard.. I was a monk with a witches nose and in charge of 'limbo' a garden of manakin body parts, I got to wave a leg at people while saying "welcome to limbo, please don't take the limbs though!" Well I could say whatever I liked but that's what I choose 😂
It was so much fun and I felt it appropriate because i feel like I've lived long patches of my life in limbo .. waiting for change but too afraid to make it. Well my whole life is different now, so I've started to put the work in to make it as full and positive as I can!
At the end people were led into the beautiful old church to say a prayer and light a candle for those we have lost. I've lost so, so many i could light a garden of candles! I lit one for my mum, the man who raised me and my ex boyfriend/soulmate.
It felt special to light a candle in that place for them on the night the Vail is thinnest 🤗🕉️☯️☮️
Never Forgotten, Always Loved.
#Grief #Memories #Newlife #Family #Beingalone #PTSD #BipolarDepression #warrior #Survivor #livingforthoseyouhavelost #rip #Healing #Halloween #prey #believinginyourself #movingon
So I've been fighting my dark depressive period with self care. Trying to get involved in positive activities, groups in my new local area.. I went to a floation tank and massage today, then my first N.A meeting this evening, I shared openly, the people there were nice.
Came back and drank a bottle of wine with someone else that lives in the building. It's like it will always pop out somewhere, over eating, smoking, wine or worse..
It's a pattern, I'm not addicted to any one thing but the pattern of addiction runs through my life. I am willing and ready to face that fact.
Anyway I've been trying my hardest to block out the anxious over thinking or panicked thoughts, self care and be proactive socially and even take steps to engage with communities with my new local area, I'm doing well, should be able to pat myself on the back.?..
then it pops up somewhere else, night terrors are back it's like my subconscious is like 'your doing well, but here's All the flashbacks you are blocking out to do it.. compressed into 1 dream, blam!' Take that brain!
I woke up like I'd been slapped in the face at 4:20am. So I guess my old friend insomnia is back.. "hello piece of my over worked, overwelmed subconscious that wakes me in the dead if night, I didn't miss you when I was in my depressed slumber! But I suppose I slept for a month so it was most likely time to wake up.."
I don't want to think about my trauma 24/7 but if I try to push it back even if positive activities just for a day and half a bottle of wine. I might go to sleep fine but my brain still has to replay or relive the details of it all. No rest from it even when I'm asleep. #CPTSD #Insomnia #AbuseSurvivors #PTSD #BipolarDepression #bipolarswitch #Anxiety #Bipolar2Disorder #warrior #RapeSurvivors #tryingtobepositive #believinginyourself
I'm always over thinking situations and not believing in myself. I question if I'm doing things for the right or wrong reasons but never seem to learn a lesson as it's repetitive over the last few years. This year, in this moment of time, I need to tell myself that I am going to be as strong as I can possibly be, to find a way through difficult days. I will try my best at having more patience and I will try and relax myself more each and every day. This is my life and I just want to get through days without feeling hurt, emotional and remembering the past, where I've been through emotional pain and suffering when all I had to do was say goodbye. Instead I worked through but became paranoid and lost my self worth. This time I'm going to believe my gut feeling and in a quote style I'll say if it's meant to be it won't pass you by. To 2019 this is my first thought of becoming a positive yet independent woman.