Braindump

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#ADHD #SocialAnxiety #collegelife #Braindump #ughgoodgrief

I just enrolled in a new health care plan. It doesn't take affect until January.
I realized that I might have ADD in June. I haven't been able to see anyone to get this confirmed and get help. Meanwhile, I don't want to put college on hold to deal with this. However, I'm struggling. I had to drop all of my classes this Fall semester. I have an extremely accelerated Speech course in December and I just know it's going to be difficult.

How do I know when I'm crossing a line? There's a difference between knowing I'm doing (or not doing) something because I might have ADD and using it as an excuse or a crutch. Sometimes I have a hard time seeing that line and I'm either blaming myself too much or not holding myself responsible at all. It shouldn't even matter because I always try not to worry about things that have already happened since you can't change them. The problem is I keep making the same mistakes and nothing ever changes. How do you find balance with this?

Its so frustrating not being sure if I have ADD or not. I'm in my early twenties and I've only had one job, where I worked for a year. I got laid off because of COVID but it wasn't exactly sustaining me. If anything, I was relieved because I hated it. Every shift was a struggle to keep working because I was losing it inside my head over how pointless and Sisyphean it felt. I want a job but I don't want to be miserable and bitter every time I have to work. I feel like a failure and I'm worried about how my family sees me. I know I can't read their minds, but I don't want them to see me as a deadbeat. I know it can't be just how I am because I want to be better. I want to succeed but it's so hard and I don't understand why it's so hard.

I'm pretty sure I do have ADD because both of my siblings have it. I just don't understand why I wasn't diagnosed as a child and they were. It's hard for me to wrap my head around why I have such a hard time with things they seem to do so easily. I keep comparing myself to them. They seem to be doing better in every aspect of their lives. The only thing that keeps me sane is knowing that none of that matters to them and they love me now matter what.

I'm just waiting to get help.

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Elizabeth

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@penda2014

Braindump 4y

Brain Dump

I’m going to apologize ahead of time because I know this is going to be all over the place and probably long.

Does anyone feel like they’re living a double life? Like I feel like I have the life my Mighty supporters know about and then my “normal” life I let everyone else see. I have some people who know bits and pieces of my struggles but not many.

I’m getting more and more anxious about my back problems. I had to redo X-rays yesterday for the chiropractor and when I was laying on the table in what was supposed to be a straight back image, the tech made a comment about how my back was super flexed and we weren’t to those images yet. On the outside my back was straight but apparently on the inside it wasn’t...? The chiropractor had also said that my upper back was tight because my lower back was tight. This makes me think my upper back is compensating for the instability of my lower back which is causing problems and pain.

Another thing with physical health is my blood pressure. It’s come down slightly but not enough. At rest it’s okay-ish but as soon as I start doing stuff they’re concerned it’s spiking which could lead to stroke and other problems. I know my obesity doesn’t help and I’m working on losing weight, down 20lbs since June. I also work nights as a food delivery driver so finding time to eat regularly and healthy is next to impossible. I’m on medication and starting a new one Monday, but I’m honestly scared I’m going to die.

I see the liver specialist on Tuesday to finally get some answers to what’s wrong with that part of my body.

All this stuff is tanking my mental health and I feel myself going down. Someone from the past has come back into my life and I’m scared/apprehensive about letting them back in. There was a lot of damage done, but a third party played a huge role in fueling that damage.

I guess I just feel lost and don’t know what to do.
#Braindump #Depression #Anxiety #Undiagnosed #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder

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Charlie

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@charliebean

#Vent #SocialAnxiety #COVID19 #Braindump #HighSchool

So I’m doing online schooling because of covid-19. In my math class, my teacher has us answer a discussion question, which he counts as attendance. One of the questions he asked us this week was what we were all looking forward to when the coronavirus blows over. Almost everyone said they wanted to see their friends and go out with them. For some reason, those responses sparked a sort of anger and envy towards them. I don’t have friends, and it’s on rare occasions when I talk with my online friends.

Truth be told, I’m scared to make friends out of fear of being forgotten or left behind. So whenever I meet someone, I push away because I’m scared of getting close and getting hurt. But I don’t want to be alone. I’m angry because there’s no one outside of the house that misses me; that can’t wait for us to be together and do fun stuff. I’m nobody. I’m nothing. By the time this covid-19 virus dies down, nothing is gonna change much for me.

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Charlie

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@charliebean

Braindump 4y

I don’t want to go out. I don’t want to go to school; I hate having to sit for hours on end and shove pointless info in my head. I hate my classmates, as they have too much energy and can barely contain themselves, which leads them to make stupid decisions; they annoy me; why can’t they be calm?

I feel fake and animated, as if I just exist to exist. while I am something to my creator (my parents), I’m nothing to everyone else.

I was sorta existentializing too. as I was drawing, I kept wondering if this is actually what I like; if it’s actually my own decision to like drawing and not just something tugging on my strings. are the decisions I make something I really want, or am I illuding myself? do others think this way too from time to time? is my anxiety and depression just in my head or was it always planned to stay with me until the end?

why am I this way? have I gone mad?

#Braindump #CheckInWithMe #Depression #HighSchool #help #SocialAnxiety

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Charlie

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@charliebean

Braindump 4y

it’s been about 10 years since my parents divorced. even though it was long ago, I still don’t feel completely healed from it. the more I think about it, I think it was the best for my parents even though it was hard. but even so, I was still deeply hurt by it, and didn’t really talk about how I was feeling. #Braindump #Sadness #Depression #childhoodmemories

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Depression 5y

This is another brain dump. I may not make sense

I’m getting stressed out, and it’s really starting to take a toll. I’m getting headaches, irritated very easily, and overthinking. It’s mostly from school, and all the work they’re giving us, and I’m starting to think that school is simply a waste of time (I know I might be wrong, but it’s how I feel). All we ever do is stuff information into our head and then later on regurgitate it to get a grade, rinse and repeat. It’s boring, and at the same time frustrating because sometimes I can’t remember some of the stuff we learn. Then the environment makes me even more stressed out. I can’t deal with loud noises, and since my school is full of classmates who do nothing but talk, laugh, and scream, it pushes me over the edge. It’s even harder because I don’t have any friends; No one close to talk to or hang out with to curb my loneliness. These days, I always feel like hiding out in the bathroom and waiting until the day ends, but don’t because I guess I know better.

Stress is also coming from my family, specifically my brother. He’s always bullying me and in every way is trying to bring me down and prove that he’s better than me. The one thing I’m excited about in college is finally getting away from him, but in the mean time, he still pushes me around. Just recently, after one single dark and morbid joke, he said how there was something wrong with me, that I needed to be checked out and hospitalized. God, how I hate him. My dad was even there when he said that, but he didn’t do a single thing. But then when I say something that’s offensive to my brother, I’m the one getting in trouble. One time I told him that when I go to college, I never wanted to see him again after everything he’s done, and then he told dad and I’m the one who got the back hand (Not literally, but you know what I mean).

Stress is making me depressed too. I feel like that life isn’t worth anything, that no matter what I do or how hard I work, my efforts will all be in vein. The bar in society is always getting raised higher and higher, and soon I won’t be able to jump as high. I’m tired of it. I don’t feel motivated to do anything. I don’t want to talk to anyone, I don’t want to get out of the house, I just don’t want to do anything.

#Depression #Stress #HighSchool #Bullying #Braindump #CheerMeOn

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Braindump 5y

Brain dump

This is just me emptying out what I have on my mind. A lot of it is random and probably won’t make sense, but I just need to vent a bit.

School is making me feel stressed and stupid. Senior year is taking forever and it sorta make me want to die. The teachers know we’re stressed, but they just don’t care as they continue to pile on assignment after assignment. It’s as if they don’t understand school is just another burden for some of us, as some of us have sports, clubs, family issues, and colleges to worry about.

School also makes me feel insignificant and small. There’s a lot of students; there are so many classmates, yet I don’t have any close friends to hang out with and talk to. It makes everyday burdensome and long. I hate feeling lonely. I just want to stay at home and be with my pets and parents. This morning, I wanted to stay in bed and not come out. But I only got up because I had to

The major factor that’s making me feel downright sad is my recent diagnosis with a milk allergy. All of my comfort foods were once dairy items, and it’s wrecking me knowing that I won’t be able to eat all the good stuff I used to have. It’s making me so sad that I don’t want to eat anything. I feel like I’d rather eat a pint of ice cream and wreck my digestive system than start going dairy free. I’ve been going through a grief cycle for about a week now. I think I’m at anger or bargaining.

I’m in a rough patch right now, and I don’t know what kind of help I need? A big hug from my mom? A change in learning? A therapist or a hospital? I wish I knew what I needed #Braindump #sad #Anxiety #SocialAnxiety #suicidal #School #Highschoolsenior #HighSchool #Milkallergy #CheerMeOn #helpneeded

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#ADHD #SocialAnxiety #collegelife #Braindump #ughgoodgrief

Brain Dump

#Vent #SocialAnxiety #COVID19 #Braindump #HighSchool

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