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Great start to the morning.……. /very sarcastic/ neg| TW school, swearing, mention of past suicidal thoughts, a mention of ableism, a few all caps

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I'm so mad. The vent I made didn't get uploaded. I've spent so much time writing it, I can't believe
it didn't upload. It pains me to have to write all of this again.

Firstly, I was sad about another vent post
because it didn't get any reactions. So I deleted
it. It's funny how I say to myself that I don't care
if I don't get any reactions, yet get said when it
actually doesn't get any. I'm sorry for feeling this
way.

Now onto school trauma. I'm 20 and I don't think
that I'll ever finish high school. Not even through
online. I dropped out junior year. They don't
even give a crap about mental health, anyway.
Plus, I'm non-binary, not a girl or boy, and not
many schools, let alone online schools, even have gender neutral options or are even truly that inclusive towards everyone. It's annoying!

I've cried way too many times. I've gotten
suicidal way too many times as well. Especially in
high school. Everytime the teacher gotten upset
with the class or whenever I've gotten unfair
demerits, I wanted out. Those "zero excuses", "watch your character", and those picture comparisons boards of "be sad and dwell on it or
be happy and do something about it" felt mocking to me and felt like I was in prison. There
was absolutely nothing I could do about it except taking off days, not to mention that I was only allowed to take up to 22 to not FAIL. Not to
mention that trying to get the best grades and
being recognized was a trap fallen by myself as
well.

I've gotten a 3-hour detention once for forgetting my gym shows. Gym Shoes! And
everytime I didn't finish my homework (because
of being depressed and having no motivation to
do anything from school), it was 45 minutes
after school just to finish homework, and a 45
minute bus drive home. And yes, I was suicidal
those times, too.

I was on the 504 program this whole time (I have
autism and anxiety), and I received two unfair
demerits for being late returning back to class
because SOME FOLKS used my stuff without my
fucking permission and I was trying to find them.
My "counselor" said to me "you know it's rude to
not talk when someone's talking to you?" I was
already crying in one of the bathroom stalls. I
have fucking social anxiety and autism!! She
knew that!!! Don't. Ever. Force. Me. To. Talk!

Gym class was the absolute worst. So bad that I
was allowed to no longer go there. So bad that I
brokedown when I heard that I had to go down
there for studying for a PE test. Then
I was taken off for the rest of the day and the
next day. However... that one substitute teacher
that the school even had the fucking audacity to
hire again was the worst. He was power-hungry
and everytime one of us doesn't follow a rule or
gets upset with him, he makes all of us do
exercises or would add minutes to an excercise.
You had no idea how much that made me boil.

Not to mention that because I failed one of the
three tests in PE (running a whole mile) in
freshmen year, I had to go to a horrid bootcamp
for 5 days. Fours days with that same horrible
substitute teacher that 1, and I'm pretty sure
every other student there, absolutely despised. He even threatened us to go through some
exercises for not knowing some answers to
movie questions!! Who does that?!?!

My parents were not happy about anything my
high school had to offer, either, especially the
bootcamp. And I got a freaking A in PE but I
guess the tests were more important 😑. Middle
school was shit, too, though pretty less strict. It
was mainly the classmates acting up and the
teacher raising their voice for me. And some
bullies.

I really want to warn everyone about these
schools. I do not recommend these schools at all,
especially if you're neurodivergent. These
schools caused me so much stress and trauma
that I don't even want to finish it. Not even online. And I'm 20 now. I was literally crying
earlier writing this because of the pain that it
has caused me over the years.

#HighSchool #School #Anxiety #Autism #SocialAnxiety #generalizedanxiety #Trauma #SchoolTrauma #anger #sad #SchoolPleaseListenToThis #MentalHealth #venting #Vent

13 reactions 6 comments
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School trauma, and something ridiculous one of my high school P.E. teacher said | TW ableism, one swear #venting

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What a great way to start the freaking morning. Remembering the very strict high school that I absolutely hate and the reason why I dropped out - trauma and stupidity.

I remember being in P.E. and… we’ll just call her Ms. A. I was on the 504 program (because I have autism), and Ms. A said something to everyone in the class about knee push-ups and to not do them because “you’re not disabled”.

Um, excuse me? Knee push-ups are not exclusive to physically disabled folk. Knee push-ups are an actual excercise that help with strength. Also, not every physically disabled folk can do a push-up or even knee push-ups. I’m not that stupid. Not to mention that some neurodivergent folk may also have trouble doing full push-ups, especially because of sensory issues. And some overweight individuals, such as I, may also find knee push-ups helpful, too. So knee push-ups help. It’s an actual fucking exercise. She thought she was helping, but seriously??

And even though I hate my autism being labeled as a disorder or disability, I guess it didn’t apply to me because of that 504 program. But still. That was such a ridiculously stupid comment to make and one of the reasons I hated that school. Why was Ms. A even qualified to be a P.E. teacher?? She should’ve known that already! I do really, really wish to say what exact high school it is right now, but I won’t.

#Autism #neurodivergent #Disability #Ableism #Trauma #HighSchool #SchoolTrauma #uneducated #why #School

11 reactions 2 comments
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I'm New... And I have problems in life :) anyone relate?

Here's my situation: I'm in high school and I love my Cross Country sport. It is my life. Those people are my community, my religion, my everything. IF anyone denied me the right to attend or did not allow me to ever do that again in my life ever, I would simply not be able to live without it. IN A LITERAL SENSE.

I am a minority and my family is not known to have a sport or any exercise in their life. They do not know the joys of a real friendship or a real loving community. They are alone in the US and do not have family members.

I feel that:

they do not understand me. They forbid me from going to practice because it is a hassle for them and they prefer I skip practice to attend their church.

Personally: I am religious, I believe in God. But I do NOT have all the time in the world to sacrifice my exercise time (health), or organizations and events that I am in and attend (like clubs, Latinos In Action, Deca, WCYC, NHS, etc). I am striving for the best and school is demanding for the best. And I demand for the best, but the way I see it is that attending all the sermons is not healthy for me in any spiritual, physical, or emotional way.

Here's why:

That church is only full of old Mexican people: I do not identify with them and their problems are not relevant to mine.

That church has unhealthy times/schedules for me: The church expects me to come on Mondays from 7:00-9:00 pm and it is about a 30-minute drive to my home so I get home at around 10:00 pm. This is not healthy because I need to wake up at 5:00 am and need at least 8 hours of sleep to go to my XC practice (the sport I have a passion for) The same goes for Thursdays. And Sundays are the worst because it is right in the middle of the day and is from 1:30 pm to 5:00 pm. My family always go out to eat on sundays and I am forced to go with them and they take like 2 hours so by the time I get home it is 7:30 pm, where I have a mountain of Homework to do from all my AP, CE, and Honors classes, Clothes to prepare for the next day, Meal preps to do for the week, and trying to go to sleep early.

I feel that church does not help in any of my problems. I see it as any catholic would. Just a thing I have to attend every three days of the week that wastes my time. I get no social benefit because it is not a community. It is a mandatory thing I have to attend and suck it up, even if it's boring, irrelevant, and not going to do any difference in my life.

#HighSchool

#strictparents

#minority

#churchisntmything

2 comments
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TW school trauma, possibly ableism, mention of racism, some caps #venting

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I wish to give the exact name of the school, but I won’t. Just know that it is a college prep high school in Illinois.

If I could’ve, I would’ve ran away from the building and never came back. Every time the students would act up, and every time the teacher raised their voice, and every time a teacher was being unfair. If I could’ve, I would’ve ripped the detention slip in half for LOSING A PAIR OF GYM SHOES (detention lasted for 3 freaking hours by the way). If I could’ve, I would’ve skipped that horrid summer gym bootcamp freshman year because I failed on of the three physical tests. ONE. And I was CLOSE to passing!! Gym class was horrible. Like I don’t mind exercise at all, but I have my freaking limits. If I didn’t had the 504 plan, I would’ve gotten DETENTION FOR WALKING one time!!

If I could’ve, I would’ve defended myself to the horrible, good for nothing, power hungry, petty substitute gym teacher and walked away, but no, he would’ve PUNISHED EVERYBODY IN CLASS ANYWAY. Not only was he the teacher of that horrid bootcamp, but sometimes was a substitute in gym class, where I already DESPISE because of their petty good for nothing bull.

If I could’ve, I would’ve escaped all of the lasalles (the name for having to stay 45 freaking minutes after school because of not finishing homework) especially because I live so far away from it and don’t have a car. I wish I could run from it all especially when we were in a group because only ONE of us didn’t finish part of the project. But it wasn’t their fault or our fault, it was the petty a-hole AP world history teacher (which I didn’t ask to be in AP because I was already stressed enough but I GUESS NO ONE CARED) who thought that was a smart idea.

If I could’ve, I would’ve stood up for one of the students who I never liked in middle school that came into the same high school as me to tell him to stop using the n word, but I didn’t because of the fear of being seen as “getting off tract”. If I could’ve, I would’ve told off the ridiculous chemistry teacher (white btw) that he should’ve minded his own business whether us blacks would like to be called African Americans or not. I feel so stupid for even TAKING ADVICE to that..

If I could’ve, I would’ve just ran away for unfairly getting 2 demerits (warning thingies) because I was late because TWO A-HOLES used my stuff WITHOUT MY PERMISSION and for my so called “counselor” for CALLING ME RUDE WHEN I WAS UPSET AND CRYING IN THE BATHROOM AND I WASNT RESPONDING.

If I could’ve, I would’ve dropped out freshman year. But no. I dropped out sophomore year. And I have NO plans on going back or finishing any kind of school now. Nope. Never. No way. Not for me. Absolutely not. Heck no.

I want to speak its name. I REALLY want to give away the name of the school so that everyone knows what a horrible, too strict, good for nothing school it was and so that NO ONE enters there, especially those who are neurodivergent like myself. But I don’t think that I can do that here, so I won’t.

Middle school was horrible, too, but I don’t know which was worse… I could go on and on about middle school, but I would just leave that for another story.

#StopSchoolUnfairness #unfair #SocialAnxiety #Autism #HighSchool #Trauma #anger #neurodivergent #WeDeserveBetter #studentsdeservebetter #Stress

4 comments
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To Those Who Are Misunderstood, You Are Not Alone

I lost interest in almost everything, that I lost myself too.

In junior high school, I, tagged as rebellious, reckless, tactless, extremely “lazy,” and undisciplined, was misunderstood and scorched. None, including the guidance counselors, sought symptoms of my condition. The faculty came up with ridiculous assumptions regarding the causes of my onerous behavior and attitude, which made my reputation even worse. Little did I notice that the treatment I received from my fellow students and the faculty made my mental illnesses worse—shunned from the school community. Yet, during those years, no one knew how hard I was dealing with my personal issues, but I couldn’t utter nor scream for help because even I couldn’t understand my mental state; mental illness wasn’t an acceptable condition. In my senior year, I was in a new academic environment. People around me were fantastic and loving. However, despite their love and support, the chaos inside my head persisted, and my behavior deteriorated. There came to a point wherein my illnesses got severe, wherein I attempted multiple suicides and self-harm, but I survived them. Despite the inner turmoil, suicide attempts, and self-harm, a part of me never gave up.

After a psychologist conducted a psychological assessment in my new school, my results indicated that I may be mentally ill. There, I realized that I should seek professional help. It took me 5 years to accept the fact that I am mentally ill and took me 6 years to get professional help. After all, I've realized that I was not a bad person, only misunderstood and untreated. The medication and awareness that I received uplifted my mental health. Although there's no assurance that lapses can be completely eradicated, at least, there is progress.

I am very fortunate and grateful to be surrounded by supportive friends and family who accept and help me with my personal predicaments. Together, they and I saved me.

#BipolarDisorder #Bipolar2Disorder #HighSchool #Therapy #PsychiatricMedication #MentalHealth #MentalHealthAwareness #untreated #misunderstood #Awareness #Positivity

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* Internal Screaming * 😭🤬

High school is such a pain in my ass! 3 papers are due today and it's only the 4th school day this term! 😭🤬😭🤬😭🤬

#Ugh #HighSchool #struggle #teenagers #teenager #Teen #Problems

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When You Lose Time to Chronic Illness

As I’m writing this, it is the end of Memorial Day weekend. The advertisements are in full swing, and the fact that I just graduated from high school has hit me like a truck.

I’ve been sick with Idiopathic Intracranial Hypertension since March. Since March, I’ve been stuck. Stuck in bed, stuck out of school, stuck out of work. I was diagnosed two days after my eighteenth birthday, and being a legal adult still feels like a foreign concept. (The only part of being eighteen I’ve accepted is going to an adult hospital now.)

All of my friends are throwing graduation parties, and I’ve been doing my best to show up, at least for a little while. Oftentimes, the conversation will turn to summer plans and beyond. My response is almost second nature: “Well it’ll depend on where I am.” Or maybe: “We’ll have to wait and see.”

There’s a lot of waiting that comes with chronic illness. Waiting for appointments. Waiting for tests. For medications to work. For insurance to cover this or that. I’m working to accept that waiting comes with the territory. And if it means I need to wait for the next stage of my life, well, I can work to accept that too. Maybe. 😉

#IIH #IdiopathicIntracranialHypertension #IntracranialHypertension #IH #RareDisease #chronicallyill #chronicallyillteen #ChronicIllness #CheerMeOn #CheckInWithMe #Waiting #HighSchool #College #Student

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I Graduated!!! #CheckInWithMe

Sorry I’ve been so MIA for the past week but I had my eye surgery and then a week later was able to walk as the Salutatorian at my high school graduation yesterday! I arrived late and left right after I walked due to fatigue but I’m so grateful and so proud of myself for doing it at all. And for, you know, graduating.

In other news, I get to try to come down on the diamox (slowly) and see how I do!

#IH #IIH #IdiopathicIntracranialHypertension #Graduation #HighSchool #iihwarrior #CheckInWithMe #goodnews #goodnewsforonce

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#CheckInWithMe I can’t go to my senior prom 😔

I kind of knew this already, but seeing as I am recovering from a pretty invasive eye surgery on Wednesday, and I’m still on a very high dose of Diamox so I have a lot of fatigue, going to prom is just not really an option for me.

I do have some really great friends who want to take pictures with me before they go to prom, and I’m looking forward to that, but I still feel like I’m missing out.

I don’t know what the point of this post is. I guess I’m trying to reassure myself that like my senior quote, it will all turn out all right in the end. I do most likely get to go to graduation, so wish me luck that my mom and my guidance counselor can figure out all the details for that! 🤞

#Prom #CheckInWithMe #52SmallThings #Senior #seniorprom #Graduation #HighSchool

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