Do you ever wake up and know with your entire being you don’t want to be here anymore?
I’m tired of the struggle, tired of the fight when I’m not fighting for myself, I’m fighting for those I love. They don’t deserve the pain of losing me so instead I endure the pain of living.
I had a lil selfharm relapse last night. Truly it’s just a few very small marks. But I want to relapse again because yesterdays didn’t touch the pain. I need the pain to match.
I have skills I’m supposed to use in times like this. But I don’t want to. I want to skip the skills and go straight to the familiar. But my therapist will be asking about selfharm tomorrow and I’m not sure I could face the shame of admitting I chose to skip the skills.
(Side note: she does not at all cause or contribute to the shame. She is wonderful)
I need to get up. I need to be a good dog mom and take care of my baby. I need to be a good student and finish my paper that’s due today. So much I need to do. So much I need to be. When I all I want is to simply no longer be.
Comprehensive DBT focuses on four ways to enhance life skills:
Distress tolerance: Feeling intense emotions like anger without reacting impulsively or using self-injury or substance abuse to dampen distress.
Emotion regulation: Recognizing, labeling, and adjusting emotions.
Mindfulness: Becoming more aware of self and others and attentive to the present moment.
Interpersonal effectiveness: Navigating conflict and interacting assertively.
You can check this site for DBT therapy:
i’ve spent most of the pandemic wrapped up in dissociation, nothing could touch me and when those feelings of loneliness and depression tried to creep up, i pushed them down with weed and booze to numb the pain.
i’ve recently begun to come out of the darkness and be more social; i’ve even joined 2 improv classes, gone to some shows and have booked a 5min slot at an open mic night at a comedy club! i mean, just reading this has made me feel proud of myself ☺️
the thing is, i can’t dissociate for these things; they require me to be in the ‘here and now’. which leads me to feelings, those oh-so-intense feelings!
so here i am, manically laugh-bawling - yes, it’s exactly how it sounds; i’m simultaneously laughing and crying with my whole body, consumed with misery, and laughing at myself for it, like some twisted person, who get their jollies from other people’s pain.
like, who does that? 🤪
the good news is that writing this has been really therapeutic as the moment seems to have passed!
dbt distraction technique: 1
breana’s bpd mind-fuck: 0
Just a quick note to let everyone know I'm still here. Was in the hospital May 11-16 for Borderline Personality Disorder dissociative sx, and am now in a 3x/week day program. Also dealing with several serious physical issues requiring testing and procedures. Just tired.
My thoughts and prayers are with you, even if I'm not posting. #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Anxiety #ChronicPain #BipolarDisorder #ChronicFatigue #Dbtskills #BingeEatingDisorder #Alcoholism
He's been the only person to have the patience and love to encourage me and stick by me. I pushed and he never left or judged me. He knew I had a disorder and after many, many, many failed medications, intakes, and therapies, one said you have BPD. But it was because I needed to try to help myself get control of myself somehow, the harder I pushed and he hung on, I knew I needed something. Then DBT came into my life after my new diagnosis, and life is changing. He's truly the other half to my avocado. No other piece, from a different fruit will ever fit. God's providence is amazing and filled with love!
If you or a loved one if struggling with these symptoms, please seek out a mental health professional trained in work with individuals managing BPD. Therapy is cool and yes, it works!
#bpdsymtoms #symptomsofbpd #bpdawareness #bpdcommunity #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #borderline #borderlinestrong #borderlineproud #borderlinepositive #powerofpositivity #bpdmeme #mentalhealth #mentalhealthmatters #mentalhealthmatters #education #destigmatizementalillness #endthestigma #therapy #therapyworks #therapyiscool #therapyisforeveryone #itsokaytonotbeokay #DBT #Dbtskills #dbttherapy