Duality

I find that for every person who enters my life, they seem to either find other people, find someone else, or get back with their ex (whom they said was toxic) after our time together. I think this is where the trust issues come in. I love men, but the meaning of the word “intimacy” can only go so far with me. I can be loving, I’ll tell you my problems, I might even become affectionate with you, but I can’t allow myself to be vulnerable enough to handle a relationship with you. Even if I really care about you as a person. I also think that as I may be one of those people whom I call those with multiple dualities. Ive been told that I have the ability to be strong and sensitive. I’ve realized that as I got older, that although I know my place in the world as a woman, there are times that I had to be a man when there was a situation I had to deal with. I think that stems from living in an environment where the women in my life had to be nurturing, but firm. My mom had to take on the role of being both mom and dad for a long time. I think too that I also had to be the same way as I moved into my teenage years. It could be a reason why I find it so hard to ask for help or even reject it. I know that I need therapy in the worst way because I have so much inside of me that needs to come out. If it was something as simple as someone coming into my life who could love me hard enough to fix me, it would be great, but it’s not that simple. Nor is it realistic. #MentalHealth #Depression #trustissues #Duality

I didn’t do a whole lot today, but I manage to do enough that felt right for me. I’ve been drawing a lot recently. Some of it doesn’t turn out great, but out of the few things I’ve done I’m proud of. I wanted to do some stretching/light workouts today, I did feel better after the fact and thought I should do something to get my body moving and my mind distracted every so often when I need to. Did some cleaning as well. My new medication came today which I was happy about. I don’t know why, but I’m happy that I’ll be getting mentally evaluated in a month as well. I’m kind of on watch at home as well. After telling my mom about my ideations, she’s been checking in on me and I’ve been checking in with her. On the day that I opened up about it, she kept peeking in my room to see if I was alright (even when I slept). The negative thoughts never really went away even when I tried to focus on other things. I still feel like my presence holds no weight, I still feel like all the people I care about don’t need me around. I’m aware that these thoughts aren’t true, there are people that tell me that I’m important to them and that I’ve been helpful to them. On the other side of the coin, that side of “me” finds it hard to believe that I’m valued. I’m aware that my mind isn’t handling things the same way as a person who can navigate through situations be it internal or external. With this keen awareness of myself is scary sometimes. It’s scary that sometimes it feels like I’m looking at myself as if “I “ stepped outside my body and was looking at my life and the rest of the world. Along with me internalizing a lot of my emotions, inner turmoil, among other things, I feel like I’m to blame for a number of things. I feel like I’m either a burden to others or that I’m not enough. There’s a lot that goes through my mind on a regular basis, and lately it’s been an overload of stuff. #Depression #MentalHealth #MentalHealthAwareness #Thoughts #Outofbody #CheckInWithMe #Newmeds #NegativeThoughts #negativityisconsumingme #Feelinglikeaburden #Notenough #blamingself #Duality

I just got in from work this morning to sit on the floor in my bedroom. I’ve just written a poem (as I sometimes do), only to be faced with the crayola markers and notebook in front of me. I’m physically exhausted, my mind is going around in circles over many different events and people in my life. I feel compelled to cry, but I can’t. I want to give into anger, but I can’t. So much time has been wasted on both of those things, and I feel like this is my body saying that it’s about time to give things up and stop hoping to be seen. All the while sitting with my hands in my lap, head hung low, the only noise heard is the fan going. I need to get up, but there feels like a disconnect from my brain and limbs. I seem to struggle with my self worth so much that I’ve come to realize that even my self image changes so often with different people along with different interests. It feels like I have a million different personalities for every specific thing. As much as I want to voice all that bothers me, it often feels better to keep a stiff upper lip at times because I’m very used to going through a lot by myself. Because of this, I find it very hard to ask for help. For many, many years, I’ve always felt that in some way something was/is wrong with me. As much as I crave community, I find myself wanting to separate myself from it whenever I feel trapped in. The same people that I’ve had deep admiration for are at times the ones I end up hating more than anything should things go south. I think all I’ve known in most of my relationships is instability. I come when I want your company, but I will leave without warning. Also making a point that I don’t need you. I’ve kept many people at a distance because of my wanting my independence and individuality above a number of things. But on the flip side, I could be selfless regardless of how you treat me. It’s moments like this where I feel everything and I don’t have anyone to share my feelings with because I feel that no one really understands the depth of my mind and the emotions I feel (which at times can be intense). So I do what I do whenever I get home from work... I sit on the floor feeling either empty or essentially numb. #MentalHealth #feelingaloneandlost #Thoughtspiral #numbness to everything #numb #Reflections #confessions #Splitting #Instability #feelings #Duality #Selfworth #Selfimage

Choosing a screen name was actually difficult. Two mommies. You’d think I’m writing a tale about having two mommies, or two mommies raising their children- but, no. I’m writing from the perspective of a woman that feels like two mommies at the same time. Maybe there’s a little best of times/worst of times thrown in 📚 but mostly... this is my story of having multiple mommy roles.
I’m the mom at the park with yogurt or something else (probably something else) smeared on her leggings. The mom at school drop off trying to fit in and feeling like I’m falling flat. The mom that juggles STEM activities with absolute chaos. I’m a “normal” mom- trying to do all the right things and occasionally completely falling apart. My house is covered in toys and there’s a mystery stink that might be a bottle lost... we may never know. I wrote down every baby milestone on cute little cards and saved them in a box. I am on call 24/7.
I’m also a medical mom. I’m the kind of zombie tired that doesn’t seem humanly possible. I drink 3 pots of coffee a day. My house is covered in medical supplies... and I spend more time on the phone with the hospital than I do having actual adult interaction with other parents or friends. I’m a pro with respiratory equipment, and I’m pretty sure I have a spidey sense almost as accurate as a pulse ox. I can’t remember when my child smiled for the first time and I never got around to filling out a milestone card, but I can tell you every test and diagnosis. I am on call 24/7.
My feet are standing in two vastly different worlds, and if you’re reading this, I bet yours are too. Sometimes we hop back and forth on our own, and other times a freight train knocks us so far into one world that we aren’t sure we can get back to the other. Some days we have it together and we walk that fine line and double mommy the hell the out of our kids in the best way... and other days we feel like our feet are encased in concrete and we just suck at everything. We are working two full time (as in *all* the time) jobs... and it’s hard AF. It can also be doubly rewarding. So that’s it. Just two mommies explaining the choice for a screen name. If you’re reading this- I hope you know that the duality of your motherhood doesn’t mean you don’t belong. #SpecialNeedsParenting #MedicallyComplex #Duality

I am learning to embrace my darkness.
To stop fighting myself, my thoughts and my actions.
I cannot always be good and kind and considerate.
Sometimes I am jealous.
Sometimes I do not trust.
I get angry. I even lie at times.
I also over eat.

And I am sick and effing tired of being sorry all the time.
These are also human emotions.
I am done with hating myself and blame and shame.

I’m going to stop fighting the dark.

Finally acceptance.

Come and find me. Put your arms around me.
Let me be the manifestation of true duality.

Love. Hate. Sadness. Anger. Pleasure. Pain.
Success. Failure.
Loss. Gain.

I am going to stop chasing unrealistic dreams of perfections and finally be ok with the dark.

I’m sorry if I hurt you. But everyone hurts everyone at some point. I’m done with the angel and devil complexes.

I will be ok with having both. And see what happens.

#CheckInWithMe