Emotionaldisregulation

So...my psychiatrist told me that it sounds like I have BPD. She didnt think it was "necessary" to put it down on my medical record. I'm thinking this is because of how people, even professionals, look at sufferers of BPD as being bad scary people??? Ofcourse i've questioned myself as being both those thing for most my life...I don't have any serious friends now because (obvious reasons lol) I just suck at keeping friends. I wish i had a friend that was aware and accepting of me and wouldn't hate me after showing my emotions--but it's like everyone runs away. My last "friend" ended up alienating me (just like so many before) and when I asked her about it she said that we were just two different people in two different places in life??? It is so frustrating. I feel like an alien. Maybe aliens would be more acepting? 🤔 lol #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #frustrated #hypersensitive Personality Disorder #alienated #Emotionaldisregulation

My 6 year old sat crying on my lap in the dark tonight. She’s afraid of fireworks.

Later, my 9 year old sat crying in the car. She’s afraid of my emotional fireworks. Her mom, my wife is, too.

The six year old wanted the firemen to stop the street fireworks when we drove home. My 9 year old cried and asked if mommy would have to call the police to find me tonight. I didn’t know until that moment that she knew. But I guess I lied to myself and hoped she didn’t.

My wife screamed in the dark and told me she’s done. The kids cried and the darkness enveloped me and our friends comforted her as she walked away. Again, I was alone.

And now my tears keep falling in a starburst crescendo. The pain I’ve caused, the fear and despair and worry, its heavy on my soul. I’ve done it so often it’s now just anticipated.

How can I unfuck my mind? How can I stop being me? I am strong and committed, and then it falls apart when I’m not looking. I’m breaking everything I hold most dear and the pain and self-loathing is getting worse.

I am strong enough to fight for being better. But the pain I see in the eyes of my love, and the fear I hear in my children’s sobs, may be too much.

#Depression #Suicide #Emotionaldisregulation

For many years I have been living openly with my mental health issues. Sometimes, everything is just too much too handle. Today I’m not OK. I went to therapy with a new one which was really good. It is hard to live with this. In wellness I maybe forget. I’m sinking. I’m experiencing all kinds of loss, triggers and stress none of which I can control or manage or step away from. On top of that my first priority is a mom. It is just all too much, too hard and too long a road with no pleasant view ahead. Thanks for listening.
#CheckInWithMe

A change in medication recently sent me into a spiral that I haven’t been on in years. The highs and lows of my extreme emotions brought back long buried suicidal thoughts and the urge (and eventual follow through) of self-harm.
Trying to talk to my husband about all of this has been extremely difficult. My (over)reaction to every tiny thing has been so intense that it is causing arguments between my husband and I. He has a hard time dealing with emotions and mine are so over the top right now.
I don’t know how to explain my feelings and what I need from him without us both getting angry.

My bpd symptoms are acting up so badly. My partner just got back from two weeks in another country and I only saw him for a few hours the night he returned. Since then I have been so needy, almost naggy, and feeling lonely and abandoned if he doesn’t answer though I know he has 3 jobs and a cold right now. Then I beat myself up for being a “psycho” and worry he is upset at me too. When he tells me he’s not, I feel so ashamed of how I act. I haven’t been this bad in ages! It’s bringing me down so badly.
#CheckInWithMe #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Emotionaldisregulation #PersonalityDisorders

I had a horrible nightmare and I couldn’t shake it off. I find nightmares especially difficult, and they usually are about being abandoned by the people who care about me. This one was about #Suicide . Thinking about it again got me wondering, does anyone else with #BPD find that their emotion disregulation and distress intolerance extends to dreams as well, and not just real-life events?
#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #dreams #Nightmares #MoodDisorders #Emotionaldisregulation #EmotionalRegulationDisorder #Sleep

I might have ruined a relationship last night and alienated additional people. But nobody realized I was suicidal, which is a win. Most nights like last night I can only be thankful that I’m not locked up and I can refocus on burning my relationships down from the comfort of my own home. #Suicide #BPD #Relationships #Emotionaldisregulation #Mindfulness