emotional regulation disorder

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I don't want to live nor die. #MentalHealth #SuicidalIdeation #Depression #Anxiety #TriggerWarnings #EmotionalRegulationDisorder

Tonight I found myself typing into the search bar on the internet "I don't want to live but i don't want to die" and within the articles I read to what I am feeling like I came across this platform.

In the past (I will speak more in the future on this, maybe?) I have tried killing myself but someone above told me, no, I have plans for you. Stay. I am glad I survived every attempt do not get me wrong. I appreciate a lot more things - nature wise and some "accomplishments" - but the feeling of wanting to die just never simply leaves my mind. I don't want to be here nor do I want to be there. I don't want to die, the aftermath hurts, mentally and physically. Not only to myself but others. I also cannot let my furbabies down. They are the reason I am here today and I owe them the world and more... It's just the thought is always there and the possibilities of the least painful way to go. Yet I don't want to go... I just feel lost, broken and very tired from these thoughts tonight as well as my "melt down" as everything just becomes "noise" around me and in my head. I cannot escape the up and downs i experience within a matter of seconds. I feel worthless yet very superior, I guess it depends on which me is "in control" at the time. I hate it. It gets too much and too stressful. I just cannot keep up with myself...

I never thought I would be in a safe community posting like this but I am now. It may be a positive start within myself to air what goes on in my mind, real life and provide almost a "comfort" to others that they are not alone, weird or *insert regular hurtful name here that you hear a lot*. It sucks. Mental health sucks. I wish I didn't type them words into the internet but at the same time I am glad because it was, lets say, a cry for help. Though I know no one will see nor hear that really... that's what hurts the most I guess, no one is really here or there in my world... its all "noise".

I also don't want my posts to come across like I #Need validation, to be felt sorry for or anything else that you could say "attention seeking" (I use this term very lightly and will only use these words towards myself) I just want to raise awareness of my daily life and I know I wont be the only one, which is why I feel the urge to type all this, which is also a comfort to me knowing "I am not alone" yet I am behind this screen...

Within the posts I will start of slowly and cautiously to what I put online as I acknowledge others potential triggers, and that's okay! I know I will be careful myself as I know I am an extremely emotionally sensitive person and feel all too much at once and it gets heavy on the mind. I have shared on my profile a few things I do personally suffer with and the things I am following to try and benefit from others as well as educate myself on other(s) struggles mentally and physically as I will admit I am intrigued to know what others go through.

Lastly I just want to thank The Mighty for this place.


Over thinking 💭

So I was excited to get back on track with my treatment schedule with my therapy sessions that starts tomorrow.

But today I got a phone call to say my usual lady is off long term and they don't want to push my sessions back any further and that I have to see a male therapist instead.
This triggered me and I ended up having a panic attack 😰 and now am struggling to change my way of thinking about starting therapy.

#Depression #mentalhealthawareness #EmotionalRegulationDisorder #Anxiety #CPTSD #Therapy

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Sharing my writing #Depression #PTSD #Anxiety #EmotionalRegulationDisorder

I have a blog page on Facebook, I recently begun sharing openly about my mental health struggles. I’d like to share what I posted a bit ago in the midst of a breakdown.



Trying to Regulate #Anxiety

I’m still recovering from intense emotions from Friday. That day, I felt incredibly overwhelmed, anxious, frustrated and even furious. I spent much of the weekend ruminating in my head everything that was thrown at me. But as soon as I resolved everything mentally, I’ve been dealing with the leftover intense emotions. I woke up with a tight feeling in my chest and upper back. I’m feeling antsy and irritable. Right now, though, lying down to recuperate is not much of an option because I’ve got things to do. I just want these intense feelings to go away; they’re standing in my way of everything, and it physically hurts!
#EmotionalRegulationDisorder #BipolarDisorder #Bipolar1Disorder #AnxietyAttacks #intenseemotions


The partner who doesn’t want to be

Trying not to be in love with someone you’ve loved since the moment you saw them,
Seeing them everyday,
Talking every day,
Acting like you’re still together because he hasn’t told his friends yet,
Crying constantly,
Having a hard time doing anything,
Wanting something so badly,
Struggling to let it go,
Yet trying to keep it in because of the kids,
It’s killing me.
DepressiveEpisodes #EmotionalRegulationDisorder


Too much. Too much. Too much.

I miss you so much and knowing you don’t miss me is tearing me in two. Why did you say all of the things if you knew they didn’t really mean anything? I want you to care again if you ever did. I need you to know what you did, what I allowed you to do. What I pushed you to do... because I am ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS too much for everyone. I don’t even have “a people” I’m so much. I want to sleep and not wake up to escape these thoughts and feelings. #ToxicRelationships #Imtoxic #Everythingitouchturnstoshit #ADHD #CPTSD #EmotionalRegulationDisorder

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Feeling #hopeless

Everything is just going downhill. Physical illness deteriorating and I feel so incredibly hopeless. Fear of abandonment from #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder and general heightened emotions sent me into a depressive episode.
I guess I just need some place to vent without being a burden to those around me. I'm so incredibly useless.
#Depression #CheckInWithMe #CheerMeOn #ChronicIllness #DepressiveDisorders #MentalHealth #Disability #Greiving #EmotionalRegulationDisorder


Do you think it's possible to learn DBT on your own?

I live in a small town and there are no resources for DBT therapy. So a month ago I bought The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook. Had an online mentor for 8wks to help me through the beginning ins and outs of DBT. The support was amazing and much needed. Now that the online program is over I'm finding it hard to focus on this alone. Had a bad couple wks but now I'm getting back on the right path. Just wondering and hoping if this is really possible on my own.
#DBT #Dbtskills #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder


Dreaming with BPD?

I had a horrible nightmare and I couldn’t shake it off. I find nightmares especially difficult, and they usually are about being abandoned by the people who care about me. This one was about #Suicide . Thinking about it again got me wondering, does anyone else with #BPD find that their emotion disregulation and distress intolerance extends to dreams as well, and not just real-life events?
#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #dreams #Nightmares #MoodDisorders #Emotionaldisregulation #EmotionalRegulationDisorder #Sleep