My name is Morgan Sarah and I have Borderline Personality Disorder. What is my experience with this disorder? My experience is understanding that most people will look at me differently if they know what I am diagnosed with. My experience is understanding that most people will treat me differently when they find out what I have been diagnosed with. My experience is understanding that to others, I do not have the right to speak my point of view. When others hear things like that, they will tell me; “No Morgan, that isn’t true. You have the right to speak your point of view!” The thing is, I have learned that my point of view is usually met with doubt from others because of what my diagnosis is. I have grown up my whole entire life being told that I am perceiving things incorrectly, that I am misconstruing the facts, that I am manipulative and sneaky, that I am dramatic, that I am overreacting, that I am selfish, that I am ungrateful, that I need to be more like my brothers, that I need to be more like my friends, that I need to stop crying, that I need to get over it, that I am ruining the joke (that has been made at my expense), etc. The invalidating things said to me as a child are just repeated to me by other adults thinking that it is all so simple. BPD is misconstrued because the behaviors are just the surface level of what people see, I have close to no conscious choice of the “behaviors” that come out. Nothing about my experience with BPD is pleasant. Nothing about my experience with BPD is easy. I cannot say that BPD hasn’t given me any positive qualities. I used to think that all of my qualities were negative. I used to think that I was destined to be alone, that no one could handle my emotions. I used to think that I would not be able to get a handle on my anger, that I would always have such strong rage that I black out. My anger is so strong that my voice shakes, my body noticeably shakes, and my breathing gets shaky. I used to think that my strong emotions were something that I should hide, something to be ashamed of. What are the good qualities of BPD that I have? They are qualities that are not favorable to others. Why? Because they are qualities that are ugly, qualities that people would rather deny than accept. I can stand up for myself, I can say what I mean, I can say what is on my mind, I can confront others. Most people have the issue of not wanting to disturb the peace but given the way I was treated the way I grew up, I have no issue being the one to disturb it. In fact, I will do it with a smile on my face. I don’t tolerate unfairness, I don’t tolerate inequality, and most of all; I do not tolerate being mistreated or told my reality is incorrect. My reality has always been denied so I have grown to learn that maybe my reality isn’t incorrect, maybe it is just that people do not want to see reality for what it is. I can read people very well, so much so to the point that I even freak myself out with how much I can read into things. I never understood how “neurotypicals” and “neurodivergent” people think differently but the more I interact with the general public, the more I realize that I do think differently. Drastically different. I can read people, sometimes so much so, that I can predict their next move. Yes, I am incorrect sometimes but more often than not, I am correct and prepared for what I am not supposed to be prepared for. I see eye movements, I see subtle facial expressions that show peoples true thoughts, and I see how people backtrack when I acknowledge these subtleties that are no so subtle to me. I used to not be a self-aware borderline, I used to think that I was the victim, that I deserved peoples pity and to be treated as if I am delicate. That is not the case, I am not a victim. I actually think I am the opposite of a victim, I make sure that others know where I stand and know what I truly think. I make sure that others are aware of how I expect to be treated and if they cant adhere to what I ask of, I won’t be quiet about it. People think that when I say I expect to be treated a certain way, that I mean special treatment. No. When I say that, I mean to be treated with basic human decency which I think is a fair request. If I do not get that, I get angry. Very angry. I have noticed in life that people often tell you that you are asking for too much when you are in fact not asking for enough. I used to be scared of asking for what I want, I used to be scared of standing up for myself, I used to be scared of confrontation, and now it is what allows me to survive. The only way a person with BPD can survive, is by using their voice, even when others are telling them to be quiet. I think I use my BPD to my advantage, I learned to embrace it. I have a hard time being inauthentic because I despise it. In my head, I would rather someone show me their dislike towards me versus trying to act like they like me. I don’t assume that people have good intentions because they don’t, that is something we are all conditioned to believe. I have been told my whole life that the way I was treated was okay because they didn’t have the intention of mistreating me. This has led me to believe it is my duty to show someone that karma is real, even though that is not true. If I am not treated nicely, I will not treat you nicely. If I am not treated with respect, I will show you no respect. Honestly, I think BPD is a disorder that can be summed up into a simple phrase; treat me the way you would like to be treated#
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