feelinglonely

It’s been a little over a month and I’m still feeling affects of a recent break up. For a few days I was happy and in a good mental space. The last two days though! My energy has been off. I’ve been feeling lonely, lost, confused, sad, unmotivated, and bored. I disconnected from friends because I don’t want to wear them down about the break up and was doing okay being alone. Now I don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t have the energy to be amongst the outside world without crying when I see couples and families. I build the courage to go outside and once I get out there I’m ready to run back home and hide. I listen to music when I can. Sighs. This space feels like punishment.

I wish I had someone to lean on . Having to deal with my mental issues alone is extremely hard . Not to say that my counselor isn’t there for me . But she gets paid, I need someone outside of that . Someone that will be rooting for me .

I have been battling in my mind the lash I received from someone I thought a friend. I am the one that should be Angry from the Hurtful toxic things they said to me without any regard for my feelings. #hurting
From my self assessment, I have been fighting toxic relationships my entire life. I just get so frustrated and tired of fighting them alone.
#heartbreak
I miss the closeness I had with My Mom. She was the only one who really understood me and I don't understand why people always seem to Hurt me. I know I deserve happiness too but loosing hope I will ever have it
#GODPleasehearmyPrayer
#Scars

Have you ever been there for everybody but in the end it's just you?
I've been doing a lot of stuff for the people I cared, yesterday I exploded. I live with my family, and they ask me why I was acting like that. I told them I felt like I was doing too much. But the words I most remember they say we're: that's because you want to do them. You are not essential, your help is good but not as necessary as you think.

I think I only wanted to hear something like: we see you are giving your best, thank you. We will do everything we can to reduce the amount of work you do.

But I just end up feeling like trash. #Crying #help #feelinglonely #Feelingunappreciated

Before I explain myself, I want to thank all those who have been supportive in the comments and the rest of the Mighty Community during this interesting time in my life. Many of your thoughts and experiences have helped me along the way and I appreciate all of you ❤️. Lately, things that I’ve felt and experienced have been projecting in my dreams and they feel so real that it’s unsettling. Last night, I had a dream about my upbringing and all the things I had experienced. The big difference was that it was all heightened, I felt even more abandoned, unheard, and miserable. Even the abuses have felt too real. I did go outside earlier and felt better, but right now I feel unsafe. There is an emptiness that I feel inside of me that I haven’t felt in a while. For me, it’s holding hands with loneliness. Normally I would cry out of this kind of loneliness, but at this point, I’m not able to. I don’t normally open up about feeling lonely because one, I don’t want to bother people with my struggle, and two, I don’t always have understanding people in my corner who I can talk to about it. It can be a lot to carry and I do wish I was as strong as some people see me as. I don’t wish this on anyone, not even my worst enemies... ever. #MentalHealth #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Emptiness #dreams #unsafe #feelinglonely #Loneliness #narcissisticabusesurvivor

i’ve been with my boyfriend on and off for 2 years. he’s my first love, the person i lost my virginity to, and he’s also my first, big heartbreak. when we first got together, things were amazing, probably just the honeymoon phase, but after 4 months he cheated on me with another girl. he went on a date with this girl and kissed her. we moved past and 2 months later he did it again. he went on a date with this girl but after that i was fed up and i left immediately. for over a year, we would talk almost everyday but it was mostly him begging me to take him back and him going out of his way to make me see him. during that time of being broken up, i got into a relationship with someone else. this person was someone that helped me look at myself in another light. he helped me realize how i was never asking for too much from my ex, that i was not crazy and sensitive for wanting to be respected. we are together for 4 months until we got into a heated argument that made me break up with them. i made an in the moment decision and called my ex boyfriend to come pick me up. i stayed with him overnight and made the rash choice to get back together with them and we’ve been together ever since. of course at first it was honeymoon considering he had to make sure everything was perfect to make me stay. i just recently moved in with him and making this decision has caused me to lose every single friendship i’ve had. not even being dramatic on that either because i have ZERO friends. i spend all of my time with this person. during this time living together, we have gotten into multiple physical fights and have gotten into extremely heated arguments that have ended in me hurting myself physically and being gaslighted into believing it was my fault. he’s laughed in my face at me hitting myself and scratching myself to the point i cause blood. over time he apologizes and i forgive him because he’s all i have left. we went to walmart recently and i seen the guy i was in 4 month relationship with. we locked eyes and i immediately turned to my boyfriend and rushed to leave. seeing him made me feel a lot of things i’ve tried suppressing for 3 months. it made me question myself and made me think: what the hell am i doing? this is the guy that loved me with everything he could give me and i’m settling for someone who makes me despise myself. but i love this guy too.
i need advice and i need help. i don’t want to see my boyfriend with anyone else but i also don’t want to see him with me? please, help. i’m running in circles and starting to hate myself for having doubts.
#feelinglonely #FeelingOverwhelmedAndPained