Year Post Op Thoughts:
You lie in bed, sprawled out over the covers, you move to sit up getting a better view of your lower half. Steadying your leg, you take your pointer finger and trace the red hot scar that stretches across your skin. Tingles move throughout your body as quickly as your finger moves across it. Hand still lying across your scars you take a moment before your hand moves to the softer pink above it. Enjoying the contrast. Before moving onto the quieter lines throughout your body, waiting for the jolt of memories, proud you could still find the first indents so easily.
I was a small girl that came from a broken family. I was great in hiding this fact, until I became 13 years old.
I had a very skinny body, then I gained about 25 kg in one year because of PCOS. This huge hormonal change left me with many strech marks, dark spots and body shame. I am not sick anymore but deep inside I think I am ugly. I hate to touch my marks. I hate my body fats. Even after losing weight I still feel that I am in a bad shape. I can't accept what happened. I have not heal from this yet.
I came across a post/question on this about what do you struggle with most when you are having a hard time or day or a health flare up.I went through it and seen so many people being honest and it's so good to see people being able to feel same & comfortable on this community being able to share their struggles truthfully and get the support from others who are able to relate.Some people who don't have these issues don't always understand how when we are really struggling health wise the simplest little tasks can become so challenging and draining to even think about let alone complete.
It's definitely better being able to support others & get support while also knowing that we're not alone when we are having bad days or feel like we're failing at being unable to do some of these tasks.
#MentalHealth #CheckInWithMe #Anxiety #Depression #Selfcare #PTSD #Positivity #wellness #AloneTogether #Bekind #COVID19 #longcovid #loveyourself #Healing #SkinCancer #skincancerawareness #Cancer #Melanoma #Scars
I may look healthy enough, but I have wounds and scars you can't see. When I warn people of my "issues", they look at me and dismiss or minimize them. They think because I look healthy that they can't be all that bad. That is because to the naked eye, they are invisible. When people encounter me and I begin to value our interactions and relationships, that's when my invisible "issues" become visible. That is when they realize that what I warned them about is true. That is when they begin to distance themselves from me. And, eventually, that is when they walk away from me. Unfortunately this compounds my "issues" and causes them to become even more debilitating. It reopens wounds and continues a cycle of victimization, thus making me "sicker". This is the nature of my invisible trauma which, after repeated cycles, has morphed into mood disorders and finally a personality disorder. It has gone from me having "mental issues" to a complicated mental illness. Just because you can't see my wounds, scars, trauma, and illness, it doesn't mean they aren't there. It's time we put faces to these illnesses so that others can see that not all illnesses are readily apparent. Perhaps then we can change the perspective of what mental illness really looks like. #MentalHealth #MentalIllness #Trauma #wounds #Scars #invisible #InvisibleIllness
I recently joined 'reddit' and posted a comment on a self harm scar. My comment was insensitive and I will not repeat it here. It was the reply that I received which really opened my eyes to my own trauma.
The reply from the "redditor" was "I am sorry you are feeling powerless over your own body". I never thought about it this way. I know one thing for sure. The trauma took something away from me that day. It took my confidence and my care free attitude and left a bitter taste in my mouth.
I want that happy go lucky kid back. The other side of the argument is finally growing up and entering the 'real world'. It could be a combination of both although I consider it was mostly my poor decisions catching up with me.
12 long years have passed since I was assaulted and time has done little to heal the pain. I am just as angry and grief stricken as the day the incident occurred. I was not in control of the situation and maybe this is why I feel the way that I do?
Revenge plays on my mind a lot and I catch myself drifting in and out of seeking vengeance. I have medication which temporarily assists in levelling my emotions and focusing on the here and now.
My mind will play tricks on me from time to time; starting me off on a road of revenge only to lead me to grief and misery. I am of the belief that revenge will do little to heal my pain as the damage has well and truly been done.
#power #powerless #MightyTogether #TheMighty #Friends #foes #Love #hate #betrayal #Depression #ChronicFatigue #PTSD #Pain #suffering #MentalHealth #Anxiety #Scars #Trauma #Revenge #rut #despair #hopelessness #self #Selfesteem #Confidence #Happiness #Hope #pleasure #Healing #Recovery #Addiction #selfmedicate #Hope #Emotion #CPTSD #Grief #Survivor
Took a moment to educated a rude ass lady at the checkout today. “Ugh, you get government assistance?” I was using my insurance benefit card on over-the-counter medications. I told her, “damn lady you don’t even know me!” She death stared at me. Then said, “they’ll just give benefits to anyone.”
Anger setting in.
Educate or walk away?
Educate. “Actually… ma’am. As far as my disability, not that it’s any of your business, it’s for Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from an attempted murder and sexual assaults. I fight constantly against my own intrusive thoughts. Every 3 years they rediscuss my need for it. In 6years, thankfully, they still see my need for disability. Twice a year I have to account for dollars spent. Meanwhile, fighting for a will to live, nightmares, triggers, surviving scars and surgeries, doctors appointments, fight psych on putting me in inpatient, messages every time they move the bastard that did all this, and tirelessly explain to assholes that don’t understand like you. So have a nice day and stop judging books by a cover.”
I’m so tired of not living but surviving. People have a lot of nerve talking to anyone like that. I just wasn’t feeling it today. Typically I walk away. It happened much more when I’d have Romeo (ptsd service dog) with me. I’m still withdrawing and feeling high on these new medications.
After I got to my car, I just lost it. I was bawling. Took awhile to even come off it.
Just be kind.
Hi, my name is Justin. I’m here because I believe this is my calling. I’ve been told that “if I just had more Justin’s in my life ” I would be great! So I’m here to make a positive impact on someone’s life. To hopefully have more Justin’s in this world.
And so it's another night of as soon as little ones are down after feeling exhausted and dying to go to bed all day, I am now there and the little things in my head start going faster and faster ,start seeming larger and much more important than some of them actually are.Start thinking of every little mistake or worry or issue I have endured and then feeling worried ,or more anxious or guilty....... Have so much else going on right now and really just hoping to try and have few hours sleep without any sleep paralysis , waking up in sweats or tears , at that point where I really do just wish there was an on/off button for your head even though I tell myself this and know its all ridiculous something else just pops in !!
I can't even focus on my meditation or sleep hypnosis videos which usually do help !!!!!