So, I've been absent from the Mighty for a few weeks now because this flare I'm experiencing has put me down hard. I'm in pain from the hair on my head, to the bottom of my feet. My joints hurt, my hands keep going numb. My elbows and wrists hurt, my hands & fingers get stiff, I'm getting headaches again, & as if all of that isn't enough, my stomach keeps getting sick like I have some kind of stomach bug that likes to disappear and reappear ever 2-3 days. Throwing up while feeling everything else that I am, is a whole new kind of hell. There have been 3 whole days through all of this where I thought I was feeling better. The pain had decreased significantly, & my energy levels were better. But I kept myself from doing anything so I wouldn't rebound myself back to feeling worse, but no such luck. I would wake up the next day feeling like I got hit by a bus. My poor fiance has been doing absolutely everything for me. He cant cook but makes really good toast which is great since that's about all I've wanted to eat. He keeps on to of my medication schedule. He helps me up & down to go to the bathroom. He even keeps his sense of humor through it all to try to cheer me up as best he can. He keeps calling me beautiful, and cat calls me when hes helping me change clothes. I know Im blessed to have him, & the better he treats me & takes care of me through all of this, the worse I feel at times. I want him to be happy, & I dont want him to worry, which I know he does all the time now. I feel like I'm losing so much of myself & with my whole life of me being a caregiver, I don't know how to accept being cared for. I dont want to experience him wanting to give up on me. I don't want him to feel like I'm just a burden, & he could find someone who can give him better. Even though I do feel like a burden, & that he could do better. We've been together 8 yrs this coming January, & will be engaged for 2. We knew something was wrong with me before he asked me to marry him, & finally got my diagnosises last December. When we were told I have MS, I knew what that meant for my future and told him I would understand if he wanted to leave. But he didn't. He knew what it meant too as I had suspected I have MS for sometime, & he had done his research, unbeknownst to me. He didn't leave though. He has been more understanding than I ever knew anyone could be capable of. He's taken care of me at every turn, & I love him so much more because of all of that. But I feel like I'm losing myself, & I'm robbing him of a happy life & future. I know how pathetic I must seem. Even ungrateful because I know of so many people who don't have what I do. I am greatful. But I have a big heart & a conscience too. I don't want to lose him, but I dont want to be the cause of his unhappiness either.
This physical pain is bad, but I didn't expect the emotional pain thats come with it. I can't help the thoughts & feelings Im having. I just want to feel better.. Am I wrong?
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