How am I doing?
When someone asks how I'm doing, I'm going seems to be the only way I can think of to put into words how im feeling. Im a single mum to a wee 4 year old boy who has a severe learning disability along with cerebral palsey with dystonia. It was his birth and the trauma of it that brought on ptsd but anixety has always been there from as early as 4 years old (thats when my own dad left). At beginning of lock down I watched "13 reasons why" on netflix and it brought back alot of memories I hadn't realised at the time where abusive/sexual assult/emotional abuse the list goes on, I mean even memories i hadnt known about, someone once told me once you open pandoras box there's no going back and thats litetally what it has felt like. While all these realisations are coming out im still having to parent as many of us do. Childs dad takes him for 1 hour every night and to be honest thats more hassle to get ready for than its worth and most nights i come back feeling crap because he has told me im a part time mum can call me all the names of the day,then next day its whiplash as he says I'm a good mum, its just mentally draining. He has him overnight 1 night at wkend and theres always a story when he comes back how difficult he was or what I could do better. I send absolutely everything down right down to a list of his routine and meds. It gets alot and while doctor has said ptsd, i have researched anixety depression, bipolar disorder, ocd, adhd and autism. I would love some clarity and ive such a long road of councelling needed im on a waiting list for cbt but that is long and nothing else offered as of yet, but I just keep going and try to remember everyone has their reasons they are the way they are #anixety #PTSD #CBT #13ReasonsWhy #singlemummy #cerebalpalseyawareness
When therapy is too triggering
I'm with a fairly new therapist, whom I like so far. But CPTSD symptoms are raging. I've been in therapy for years, processed a lot, but am in a fragile spot now. Trying to move on and heal, but then I'm dragged back again in my head. To all those feelings, flashbacks, nightmares. Is there anything that helps or any suggestions? I'm going to speak with my therapist about it and maybe for now focus on something else.
I realized I hadn’t updated my “medical conditions” list on my medical ID bracelet site in awhile. I realized after looking over my list that most of my conditions are “invisible”, except for my knee problem that I wear a knee brace for and sometimes use a cane. So often, I feel overwhelmed by the number of conditions I live with (Am I a “bad seed”?) and the physical and emotional pain that they cause; even the ones that have been “repaired” have come with lingering pain from scarring, incomplete cure or subsequent Dx. I’m thankful for my caring husband and a few really close friends who understand to a point. But even they get tired of my need to share my emotions about what I’m going through. I’m thankful for this group who gets what I mean and can give support without judgment or weariness.
I’m no longer able to work fulltime; I used to be an educator in various special education programs as well as in schools.
I try to help others who have conditions like mine as well, so I’m not just a “taker”.
Here is my list. Dates indicate either diagnosis date or surgery date.
Right inner ear imbalance 1998
Narcolepsy 1999, 2021
Allergies - plants, animals, foods and meds
Sliding hiatal hernia 2011
Sphincter of Oddi dysfunction Type 3 2007 - result of gallbladder removal 2005
Diabetes Type 2 1996
Mild/moderate disc degeneration neck & low back and mild spinal stenosis
Slip & fall back injury 10/15- MRI Nov 2017 SI joint injury
Fibromyalgia - 1995
Sleep apnea 2019
History of ruptured ovarian cysts 2006 -
Recurrent tingling/"electrical shocks" all over body 2007 - diagnosed as Small Fiber Polyneuropathy 2020
Scoliosis (curved and twisted)
Right knee cartilage deterioration (injured 1979 & 1986) - diagnosed permanently dislocated kneecap 2019
Arthritis - neck, hips, knees, hands
Carpal Tunnel syndrome - 2019
Bursitis - left hip 2017
Recurrent "tennis elbow"
Plantar fasciitis and tendonitis both feet - custom orthotics 1991
Anxiety, C-PTSD, possible BPD
Multiple concussions (5)
Multiple whiplash injuries
Vaginal Hysterectomy with Rectocele and Cystocele repairs - 2018 - Urinary incontinence