imstillhere

I've been thinking about suicide for sixteen years. It's not just a fleeting thought or a dramatic impulse. It's… always there. A shadow in every room. A second voice in every silence.

It’s strange — how something so final can feel like comfort. Like a secret backup plan. A form of control when everything else feels out of reach.

Sometimes it helps me fall asleep. Sometimes it holds me while I cry.

There was a teacher once, years ago, who said: “People who take their own lives are the truly brave ones.” And something in me agreed. At least they did something. At least they made a choice.

But I didn’t. I haven’t.

I exist in this in-between. Not alive the way I want to be, but not gone either.

I live in a limbo — half real, half fantasy. A place where I picture myself gone, but still wake up, scroll, smile, and say, "I'm fine."

Do you ever get out of it?

#MentalHealth #imstillhere #Depression #Suicide

There's a little space between black and white thinking, that little space is for when you feel empty ... And I've been stuck in that space for a while now. I'm straight up not having fun, and I've been crying all day because I have telephone phobia and I can't call my professor; but I still cook, clean the house, look after the cat and my sister, I go shopping ... It's not enough for me, I want more ... But still I'm not in the right mind set to chase after my goals, I just wanted to say that Sometimes no matter how what you do, and how productive you are, you'd still feel empty and feel like you haven't made any progress ... I'm just happy I managed to make it another day, I'm still alive and that's worth something. The highlight of my day was getting out of bed, going out to buy bread, it was raining and cold (spooky season) ... #BPD #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Phobia #Depression #progress #imstillhere

I’m still here but I’m in a #BipolarDisorder low right now & I just want to give up. I’m tired, I can’t stop grappling with #SuicidalIdeation I just hurt all the time, my heart is broken from my #Divorce, I can’t stop thinking about all the bad stuff going on in my life it’s too much. I feel alone: but I also feel like I don’t want to talk to people(my friends), one to not burden them, also because I don’t want to scare them or make them think I need to be #hospitalized because that would not help. I need to find a new therapist but the one I had can’t do phone sessions & was 40 mins away & I have severe #Anxiety #PTSD because of the car wreck so anytime I get in a car I get physically sick. I can’t handle the drive every week. Also was going to start some new #Bipolar meds but the meds that were perscribed messed with my #PCOS birth control so I can’t take them & my doctor hasn’t got back to me about a different med. I spent like three weeks in a #ManicEpisode now I’m just so low all I want to do is sleep. #imstillhere though. #TakeItOneDayAtATime I’m just going to try to focus on my #Cats #MightyPets & breath. I need to shower but I’m hurting & I don’t feel like it but I need to so I’m going to force myself to do it. #ChronicPain #ChronicIllness #Fibromyalgia #tired #lonely #exhausted

I broke down 5 years ago and I thought after surviving that I’d never have to experience that feeling again. Then last week I woke up with this terrible sense of doom that I couldn’t shake off. I couldn’t make it to work. Trying new meds and just waiting for those terrible first weeks to go by so I can feel like myself again. That’s the shittiest thing to me about depression and anxiety, the fact that they never really go away no matter what medicines you try or how awesome your therapist is or the fact that you live a pretty good life. Depression steals the magic of even the smallest moments. Anxiety makes you feel weak. I really want to make it out of this depressive episode already so I can make up for all the lost time. I miss being able to enjoy my family, my girlfriend, my dog, my friends, my life. #Depression #Anxiety #imstillhere

I thought about cutting yesterday. It’s not that I hadn’t before, (thought about it, I mean) I just... I got really close to doing it but I stopped myself.

Sometimes I feel like I’m constantly hiding from everyone. I can’t show how I feel because then they worry and when the worry I have to explain why they shouldn’t worry. And that’s... that’s hard to do. I don’t know how to tell them what’s wrong. I don’t know how to say I get the overwhelming feelings of hopelessness that I can never seem to shake. It’s hard to open up about what I feel and I think that everything I’m holding in just tries to escape all at once. How do I let go when I don’t know what I’m holding on to?

Nowhere in life can I find the flame to blame 

for a reason to want to live

The swamping mire within my brain

dragging me in,

bringing the rejection of my precious birth,

In the quest for peace, from life I ask …and beg release.

The fear creeps from deep…taking hold,

I hear the words and now…I’m told

Be careful about what it is you ask,

the universe will take to task..

I stare quite numb towards the sky,

I hear my heart and tears I cry,

Why…and oh How sad,

I stare at brightened moon

not yet full just half a spoon,,,

Times….Before I’ve stopped the thought and although 

with thoughts distraught

Ive rubbed them out,

I love life I’ve heard me shout,

My tapestry I will re-weave, I was just lost,

needed reprieve….

But not this time, I look, I think…

Roll on death, roll on in, take me back to before,

I’m ready now to close the door ..

in this world I find no meaning,

What is the point, keeps revealing

nothing left but quiet and….peace, 

no more breath - just sweet release.

#MightyPoets #Depression #suicidal #peotryreprieve #imstillhere