Holding on or letting go, they are both a painful decision. It’s the question of which hurts more.
I get to experience love and relationship for the first time in my life. It was the best 2 years of my life. I put all of my heart and soul in it. I was on cloud nine.
This past Valentine week, she abruptly asked for space and ended our relationship. I was blindsided, shocked, devastated, like I just got dropped off into a sink hole I wasn’t prepared for. She said she doesn’t see us moving forward together to where she wants to go in life. I felt abandoned, left behind and crushed. She said she’s still love and care for me, just not in love with me anymore. She said she was pretending for the last two months before decided to break it off. We had no conversation or communication regarding how she was feeling. I thought we were doing just fine. We were cuddling on Sunday night and comes the next day she asked for space and 2 weeks later she ends it.
We are still in contact via texts now and then, very business casual. She wanted it this way because we didn’t really ended in a bad note. I am close to her family.
The depression, the break up, the moving forward, the healing, the grieving, the pain, the loss of love, the loneliness, the will to get up in the morning, the will to live, the believe there’s a brother day ahead, the hope to find someone new, the thoughts of what could have been, thinking of her everyday, I used to wake up and end my day with her. My world has turned upside down. I am carrying a heavy load, with a storm over my head, and an empty heart trying to move forward to where exactly I have no idea. This is my first and only real long term relationship and my first breakup. I had plans and desire to be with her long term.
Since we are still communicating over texts here and there. I get a high and joy when I get texts from her but the next day I’d crash because I realized it was short lived and the reality is the relationship isn’t real anymore. I am also afraid to let her go completely. I haven’t accepted in my heart that this is over and I need to move on. I am having a hard time moving on. I am having a hard time letting go, it scares me. I am not sure if it’s healthy to let go completely or I’d regret the decision. I am not sure if I am fooling myself into thinking that I am strong enough to hold on and move forward. I lost her as a partner, I don’t want to lose her completely. The thought of her would bring me to tears. I am seeing a therapist and taking Wellbutrin to get me going day to day. It’s only been 2 months but it’s the toughest 2 months of my life. I have no idea how to deal with all of these new emotions and feelings. I miss her terribly. I miss us terribly. I am still in denial. There were days when I think of ending it all. I don’t want to face this pain anymore. I have great friends and family that are supportive to me during this time. So, holding on or letting it go? Thanks for reading. #Depression #Breakups #brokenheart #Lettinggo #Holdingon #Relationships
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