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I’m still holding on…

Hey y’all. I haven’t posted in awhile. I just wanted to check in. So, I’m still holding on but that’s about it. I’ve been on my new meds for about 3 weeks now. During the first week I thought I noticed an improvement but nothing since. Of course I know it takes 8 weeks to feel the full effect. So, I’m still here holding on for the day I can feel human again. I’m trying so hard but after 9 months of this now, I’m just feeling hopeless.

I hope everyone is doing well and if you have any encouraging words, please share! ❤️

#MightyTogether #MajorDepressiveDisorder #Anxiety #CPTSD #Holdingon #NeverGiveUp #SupportGroups

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The face of the recovery

One of the worst parts of living with anxiety and depression is not being able to explain what I feel or how I feel it. People don’t seem to understand the emptiness inside, the hatred towards myself.
And above all, they don’t understand that I’m still me. My anxiety and my depression are not me. I’m here, screaming inside, pretending to smile, and sometimes smiling genuinely.
One of the few things that have helped me get out of my mind and answer the questions of the people I love is my art. I’m not an artist and although I always liked to paint I lost my passion along the way. So I’m not good, but I’m me. And I set myself a daily challenge. One painting a day, no matter how lazy I feel. One face. No matter how ugly I think it looks. No matter how much I hate myself and what I paint. No matter how ashamed I feel of showing it.
I paint. I post it.
I hope it can help others see what it looks like to live with anxiety. I feel that my family is starting to “feel” me and my friends say they are learning with me.
So maybe someone can see themselves reflected and hold on to life as I’m holding on to my #UglyArt even when the voices inside are deafening.
If you’d like to have an annoying useless and un-talented reminder of mental health struggles in your life, follow me on Instagram.
I am Adriana. I am on meds. I am going to therapy. I am @TheFaceOfRecovery

#ArtTherapy #painting #Holdingon #empty #depressed #anxious #suicidal #Anxiety #Depression #Recovery #Journaling


20 days

I’ve had a migraine now for 20 days. My head is so fuzzy, I am struggling to remember the most basic things I need to do to function today. My head is numb. I am so exhausted I can’t even get off the couch. #PainPainGoAway #Migraine #Holdingon


Holding on and letting go.

Holding on or letting go, they are both a painful decision. It’s the question of which hurts more.

I get to experience love and relationship for the first time in my life. It was the best 2 years of my life. I put all of my heart and soul in it. I was on cloud nine.

This past Valentine week, she abruptly asked for space and ended our relationship. I was blindsided, shocked, devastated, like I just got dropped off into a sink hole I wasn’t prepared for. She said she doesn’t see us moving forward together to where she wants to go in life. I felt abandoned, left behind and crushed. She said she’s still love and care for me, just not in love with me anymore. She said she was pretending for the last two months before decided to break it off. We had no conversation or communication regarding how she was feeling. I thought we were doing just fine. We were cuddling on Sunday night and comes the next day she asked for space and 2 weeks later she ends it.

We are still in contact via texts now and then, very business casual. She wanted it this way because we didn’t really ended in a bad note. I am close to her family.

The depression, the break up, the moving forward, the healing, the grieving, the pain, the loss of love, the loneliness, the will to get up in the morning, the will to live, the believe there’s a brother day ahead, the hope to find someone new, the thoughts of what could have been, thinking of her everyday, I used to wake up and end my day with her. My world has turned upside down. I am carrying a heavy load, with a storm over my head, and an empty heart trying to move forward to where exactly I have no idea. This is my first and only real long term relationship and my first breakup. I had plans and desire to be with her long term.

Since we are still communicating over texts here and there. I get a high and joy when I get texts from her but the next day I’d crash because I realized it was short lived and the reality is the relationship isn’t real anymore. I am also afraid to let her go completely. I haven’t accepted in my heart that this is over and I need to move on. I am having a hard time moving on. I am having a hard time letting go, it scares me. I am not sure if it’s healthy to let go completely or I’d regret the decision. I am not sure if I am fooling myself into thinking that I am strong enough to hold on and move forward. I lost her as a partner, I don’t want to lose her completely. The thought of her would bring me to tears. I am seeing a therapist and taking Wellbutrin to get me going day to day. It’s only been 2 months but it’s the toughest 2 months of my life. I have no idea how to deal with all of these new emotions and feelings. I miss her terribly. I miss us terribly. I am still in denial. There were days when I think of ending it all. I don’t want to face this pain anymore. I have great friends and family that are supportive to me during this time. So, holding on or letting it go? Thanks for reading. #Depression #Breakups #brokenheart #Lettinggo #Holdingon #Relationships


3/10/19: In Hiding #Depression #Hiding #Holdingon #Trying #imstillhere

Sometimes I feel like I’m constantly hiding from everyone. I can’t show how I feel because then they worry and when the worry I have to explain why they shouldn’t worry. And that’s... that’s hard to do. I don’t know how to tell them what’s wrong. I don’t know how to say I get the overwhelming feelings of hopelessness that I can never seem to shake. It’s hard to open up about what I feel and I think that everything I’m holding in just tries to escape all at once. How do I let go when I don’t know what I’m holding on to?

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Still holding on #Depression

Some days it’s so hard to stay focused on the positives. The turmoil inside my mind is like a hurricane of self doubt, but if I can just ride it out, I know I’ll be okay. #Anxiety #Depression #Holdingon


2019 just wondering if anyone else feels like this

So, it’s #2019 and I feel... nothing. It’s just Tuesday. I’m still dealing with the aftermath of late December 2018 (jobless after finally moving out of parents house). Trying very hard not to feel #hopeless or give in to #suidicalthoughts but it’s hard. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

#Holdingon #Depression #Depersonalization #NewYear