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These are simple words, but very powerful. I’ve been doing well lately. I still have chronic pain and a couple of other issues but it’s been manageable and I am #exceedingly grateful. But I’ve had chronic health issues for too long to imagine the deep struggles won’t return. #Manageable means I’m #Hiding thecracks and I like hiding the cracks.


Had a semi-productive day :-)

I know it doesn't seem like much but I got myself to clean up a bit, do a load of laundry, cook lunch and take a shower. Such easy things really, but for me during a bad phase, it is really hard. #PTSD #Depression #Hiding

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What do you do when you have those days when hiding is the best option? I turn off my phone, hunker down with some chocolate, and feel sorry for myself. After a few hours—maybe a rewatch of Wonder Woman, a cuddle with a cat—I reach a point where I seem to have a choice: either retrench for the long haul or shake myself and shower/walk/work/cook (anything!). If I “allow” the retrench, I’m out for a couple days—people suffer, work suffers, the PTO shrinks. I keep a list of those negative effects near my bed and read through them at this crossroads. Remembering the harm to myself and others helps motivate me to take the next steps out into the world again.

#Depression #Anxiety #EhlersDanlosSyndrome


"Don't say one word."

My inner voice told myself, "Don't say one word," (as in to anybody) today, which made the hair on the back of my neck stand on end. I was embarrassed about a situation and didn't want to get a clarification. The problem is that this was the same line I told myself when I was in kindergarten and it was in regards to what turned out to be petite mal seizures. The person I initially reached out for help shut me down, getting angry with me, and made me feel stupid. Many years later I distictly remember telling myself that I should have just gone to Mrs Troutman, my kindergarten teacher. Today, all I can say is for anyone with a mental health problem, any kind of problem, is get help. If you bury it inside you, it will only fester and become infected.#Isolation #Hiding #Not alone

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Poem: Masks

The masks I wear are several.
“I’m okay”, is one,
When I don’t want to say
What is hurting me that particular day.

The “hiding” mask is my most favorite,
With that mask I can simply stay in my pen,
And not have to reveal what is within.

The “false brave” one is my common,
For with a pill I can pretend,
To not be anxious,
cause of course, that’s such a sin.

I’m sure there are others that I don
Here and there,
Only if could learn to handle life,
Maybe I could be mask-less I swear.
#Anxiety #Hiding #medicate #ChronicDepression #SelfMedicating



The first cut is the deepest #Selfharm #Depression #Hiding

They say the first cut is the deepest
But after seven years I’m here to say that is in no way true.
The first cut was shallow
But most of all deadly.
From that moment forward I was hooked.
I needed that release
And that first cut turned to many
It turned to light red bath water
Obsessively storing objects to hurt myself with.
It turned to long sleeves and pants
To nights where that knife couldn’t help me as much
It turned to rubbing my skin with sandpaper just to feel some release.
It turned to burns and pills
It turned to thoughts that race through my head at any sign of trauma or sadness
Then it turned to stitches and stashes of gauze and paper towels hidden around my room
It turned to lying to my parents
To my family
To my friends
To feeling alone and numb
That first cut may not have been the deepest.
But it was the turning point of a whole new lifestyle.
A lifestyle filled with hiding scars
Avoiding questions
Reckless thoughts.
And most of all an addiction that will never go away.
So before you make that first cut. Think about how it will change your life. #Scars

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3/10/19: In Hiding #Depression #Hiding #Holdingon #Trying #imstillhere

Sometimes I feel like I’m constantly hiding from everyone. I can’t show how I feel because then they worry and when the worry I have to explain why they shouldn’t worry. And that’s... that’s hard to do. I don’t know how to tell them what’s wrong. I don’t know how to say I get the overwhelming feelings of hopelessness that I can never seem to shake. It’s hard to open up about what I feel and I think that everything I’m holding in just tries to escape all at once. How do I let go when I don’t know what I’m holding on to?


Suffering in silence #Depression #MentalHealthStigma

I have always struggled with depression, anxiety, and PTSD from my childhood. Sometimes I feel like there are people out the that glorify mental illness for other people’s sympathy, which makes me embarrassed to talk about it with people. I personally find it hard to talk about how I feel on a daily basis. I have had few people in my life that understand how the illnesses effect me. I went to a two month adventure therapy program in Costa Rica. I found out a lot about myself there. I left the healthiest physically and mentally I have ever been in my life. But then I hit the real world again. I find my self going to the bath room to cry so nobody sees my pain. I don’t want people to think I’m not as strong as I make myself. You’d never know how many times I cry in the shower or the bath room or as soon as I’m alone it all hits me. I break down. I want to talk about it but it’s always the same thing... you have everything why are you sad?... am I not good enough for you??.... you never want to do anything but lay in bed!... trust me I’ve heard it all. And it all hurts. I’ve lashed out on family to cover up how frustrated I am with myself. I throw it on the other person so they don’t notice me falling apart. And that’s horrible. It’s not good to hold everything in but if I let it it people may get the wrong impression as if they are the reason.... I don’t even know the reason. I know I’m not alone with this. It’s a day by day thing to work on and we will get there. #Depression #PTSD #Anxiety #itsokaytocry #Cantgetoutofbed #Hiding


#Gratitude and #Depression 1.20.19

I am grateful for heat in our home, food in our stomachs, a roof over our heads, etc., all the these material things. I don't take these things for granted. But most of all God has been giving me the chance to wake up each new day to choose to make it a good day. In all honesty I have been #depressed over a week with #tears #Hiding behind my eyelids. I struggle each morning to get up and get myself moving. #IBS , not keeping food down, running to the bathroom at 3 in the morning just making the sink and toilet. My body and mind seem out of sync.
I have been writing poems and #Feeling #numb #Insecure and beating myself up even
more because I can't figure out what #trigger (s) might have been the catalyst(s). All I have wanted and been able to do is the #bare #minimum . I know I have #sad . I have so much to be thankful for. My husband always gives me the space to work my way out of my mixed emotions. This is the way he deals with my #moods . We start out each day with warm hugs and kisses. He runs circles around me with cooking, cleaning, etc. I use to be able to do more because I had to. He worked out of state for 5 years. I took care of the house, our son...Then my body and mind really fell apart ike clock work from late November until Spring. I was blessed to have my parents nearby. They help me and my son when it got to be too much for me. I just want to be above all of this #Sadness . Should I #scream or #cry . Does anyone out there that understands #why ???