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Loveless Without Reason (TW: R*pe)

TW: R*pe.

I do not react the way I should. At least, that's what I've been told and what has been implied by those without the guts to explicitly say it.

My mother broke down tonight, saying that she's accepted that I don't love her. Now, this may seem harsh and guilt-trippy on her part, but just listen for a second.
A couple months ago, a week or two before summer break, she told me that my father r*ped her 3 separate times. In front of my, (at the time), two year old brother. We were driving home from shopping and talking about the beginning years of their marriage, (they are now divorced btw), when it just sort of slipped out. I was shocked and mortified, and I showed it.

'Well, obviously. How could you NOT show it?' I'm glad you asked. I have a difficult time expressing my emotions. Sometimes I'm secretive about them intentionally, sometimes not. It's a blessing and a curse.

She then realized that it was something that needed to be addressed with her psychiatrist/therapist. Since then, she's struggled with all of this being brought up, especially because it's been about 2 decades and she hadn't really told anyone about it till now.
Although my initial reaction was expected, my attitude towards it and her has since been cruel. Why did she stay after the first time? How can I trust her decisions? (I already had a major difficulty with that.) Why would she leave me alone with him after that? (Even if he showed no sign of wanting to attempt such a thing with me, he is still a r*pist.)
I've grown cold, verbally abusive, etc, even more than before. So, now you see why she talked about her reasonably-inferred, stark realization tonight.

The thing is, I don't think she's necessarily wrong. She's taken me to Europe multiple times, gives me proper freedoms, accepts me for who I am (for the most part), she's never left/given up on me - all reasons that I SHOULD love her, care about her. But, I don't. I don't think so, at least.

It feels like everyone gets the same answer to this math problem, and I'm trying, but I don't have the right formula to solve it. I mean, why do people who hate their families spend their valuable time off on holidays with them? Why do people come out of the womb, loving their family unconditionally?
I see my family as regular people, not entities that I can't help but love because our DNA is more similar than in comparison to the rest of the population.

I should feel bad. I should be rushing into her room to say that I do love her and that she's got it all wrong. But, I'm not. I can't. She said tonight that she wants honesty, not just me pretending to like/love her so that I don't get punished or reprimanded. I've told her before to just leave me alone, that she needs to cut off this toxic relationship between us, etc, but now I think she finally gets it. Finally. Finally.

#Familyproblems #Loveless #whatswrongwithme

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#Low self esteem meets #Hypersexuality meets #SocialAnxiety meets #Loneliness meets #Depression

I’m a man in my early 50’s with a world of struggles. I live in search for love, mainly because I have never been shown love, my biological family was always bickering, my mother neglected me and always had to deal with beatings or fist fights, and sexual abuse by my half brother. So I sought it in women, however I have social anxiety mostly with women and low self esteem, no money no hunny and not good enough for her to want me. Then there’s hypersexuality for both the physical and sexual abuse. How is a man, who has tried and failed so many times can truly be happy? My ex and I’s relationship of 17 years together was because she got pregnant ( we met online, I was her summer play toy and I am horny all the time) so it was a relationship that was good but was not ever true love more like friends with benefits and parenting our son too. I sometimes make mistakes when approaching women that may turn them off or not realizing the signs they are interested until it’s to late. I’m depressed, lonely, And have given up on looking for her, I am disabled and living in my car, with no income ( “oh, he is such a catch, I want to live at rock bottom with him”) that’s what I hear in my head every time I see an attractive woman I would like to meet and they ignore me like I am going to give them covid or the poverty virus. I’m sure that nobody else can understand the struggles I’m going through. Thanks for reading, hope it didn’t bore you too much. #Loveless #alone #crazyornot #Disability #CheckInWithMe #SuicidalThoughts #MentalHealth #emotional mental abuse #adolescent sexual molestation trauma

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Love and the syndrome

I always doubt myself about being loved in the romantic sense. As the days go by, even with the COVID situation, I start feeling less appreciated. I feel like love will NEVER come to me naturally; I ALWAYS had to be “hunting it down” instead. Is it because I do not deserve appreciation or romantic type of love because of the way I am? Am I asking for too much? #Autism #Loveless #selfesteemissues

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#Depression #SocialAnxiety#Bipolor#alone#Loveless

Does True love really exist? I have been searching for it my whole life. Love in my family, father, abandoned me before I was born. Mother, neglected me and was hardly even around. Older brothers, beat the shit out of me ever chance they had. No love there, I have spent my whole life looking for it. After hitting puberty I liked girls, but with social anxiety and being shy it was hard for me to talk to them and no one ever talked to me about the birds and bees so I had to figure it out myself. So I only had bathe more aggressive girls talking to me, but they were really not the personality I was wanting or attracted to. To scared to go talk to the girls I wanted to. So I was alone a lot. IAs I got older I got bolder and had a few relationships, but they were more physical than anything. One I was so in love with, she didn’t feel the same, alone again. My last relationship lasted 17 years and it was love. Until recently we broke up. Not long after I realized that her love was totally on a conditional basis the whole relationship, I was so desperate to be loved for so long I was blind. I’m alone again at 51 years old. I am destined to be unloved and alone. Never to finding unconditional true love.


#BPD #Loveless

Once again I spiral
Once again I am crying for no reason
I feel like no one will accept me but know I deserve to be treated well
I hate feeling like I’m never in control
I feel very lonely but love to isolate myself
Don’t know what to do



I’m not sure why people don’t like me. I don’t know why my relationships always fail. As a saint my loyalty is to god. But if I could ask him one question it would be why can’t people love me?