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Loveless Without Reason (TW: R*pe)
TW: R*pe.
I do not react the way I should. At least, that's what I've been told and what has been implied by those without the guts to explicitly say it.
My mother broke down tonight, saying that she's accepted that I don't love her. Now, this may seem harsh and guilt-trippy on her part, but just listen for a second.
A couple months ago, a week or two before summer break, she told me that my father r*ped her 3 separate times. In front of my, (at the time), two year old brother. We were driving home from shopping and talking about the beginning years of their marriage, (they are now divorced btw), when it just sort of slipped out. I was shocked and mortified, and I showed it.
'Well, obviously. How could you NOT show it?' I'm glad you asked. I have a difficult time expressing my emotions. Sometimes I'm secretive about them intentionally, sometimes not. It's a blessing and a curse.
She then realized that it was something that needed to be addressed with her psychiatrist/therapist. Since then, she's struggled with all of this being brought up, especially because it's been about 2 decades and she hadn't really told anyone about it till now.
Although my initial reaction was expected, my attitude towards it and her has since been cruel. Why did she stay after the first time? How can I trust her decisions? (I already had a major difficulty with that.) Why would she leave me alone with him after that? (Even if he showed no sign of wanting to attempt such a thing with me, he is still a r*pist.)
I've grown cold, verbally abusive, etc, even more than before. So, now you see why she talked about her reasonably-inferred, stark realization tonight.
The thing is, I don't think she's necessarily wrong. She's taken me to Europe multiple times, gives me proper freedoms, accepts me for who I am (for the most part), she's never left/given up on me - all reasons that I SHOULD love her, care about her. But, I don't. I don't think so, at least.
It feels like everyone gets the same answer to this math problem, and I'm trying, but I don't have the right formula to solve it. I mean, why do people who hate their families spend their valuable time off on holidays with them? Why do people come out of the womb, loving their family unconditionally?
I see my family as regular people, not entities that I can't help but love because our DNA is more similar than in comparison to the rest of the population.
I should feel bad. I should be rushing into her room to say that I do love her and that she's got it all wrong. But, I'm not. I can't. She said tonight that she wants honesty, not just me pretending to like/love her so that I don't get punished or reprimanded. I've told her before to just leave me alone, that she needs to cut off this toxic relationship between us, etc, but now I think she finally gets it. Finally. Finally.
