Control (Trigger Warning)
Sometimes I feel that suicide is the only thing I have control over. It is the one thing that only I can decide, plan, overthink, contemplate, and choose yes or no. I think of it daily. I've got all my plans in place so my family won't have to do anything. I have tried 5 times in the past. The last time should have worked, but I was sold the wrong product. I was so f'in mad that I was still here. My husband drove me to the hospital and they did nothing, which is the norm. I have two plans of action this time - no, I'm not actively suicidal right now. One could fail if not setup properly. The other is a definite guarantee. I did so much research on these two things. Why? It truly is a control issue. I need to control something in my life, and this is it. I feel I have no control over anything else. I don't bring it up, mention it to anyone, talk about it. I keep it to myself because no one wants to hear that I think about it, let alone having planned everything from start to finish, including the BS my family won't have to deal with because it's done. Anyway, I just had to get this out. Thanks for listening.
#Anxiety #BipolarDisorder #Bipolar2Disorder #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #CocaineDependence #EmotionalAbuse #Marijuana #MentalHealth #MightyPets #SubstanceUseDisorders #Suicide #SuicideIdeation #SuicideSurvivors #Survivor